Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

This. A quick pithy comeback works best. 👍

Maybe that's just jokes in his circle

at a stretch maybe he was trying to have a laugh but got it v v wrong

and he did apologise

id give him one more chance

I'm not sure what your first point is. Why he said it is beside the point, but he did and he should have known better.

I've lived a long time too. I don't expect perfection from the human race but it also seems that my standards for the male species are higher.

😮

Awful. I’d be upset too and definitely wouldn’t want to spend Christmas Day with this man.
In fact I’d avoid any future encounters with my cousin where there’s a chance that he might be present

See I don't necessarily think this.

Yes the cousin COULD have been nasty or gossipy about OPs dating life.

But could also be as simple as BF: Shall we ask OP to come along next weekend?
Cousin: No, she's on a date
BF: Oh, is that the same guy as last weekend?
Cousin: No, that didn't work out. This is someone else.

= The Boyfriend therefore realises OP 'dates' and think it somehow gives him ammo to make a rude crass comment to OP.

Not to enable the boyfriend, but that kind of crass misogyny is emotional immaturity. And whilst not okay AT ALL, hopefully he has learned his lesson and won't be so rude ever again.
I think this is where men out themselves, like you get some groups men that are respectful quiet and decent..then you get others that are constantly crass, making inuendos and generally gross and sexually aggressive towards women (maybe the type who will call a woman a slag for multiple partners, but WAHEY and give their mate Dave a high-five for "pulling a shag" the previous weekend.

Just some men. Unfortunately.

If it takes OP to put him in his fucking place, or cause a scene to avoid being insulted, then so be it.
It's the only way these types of arseholes will learn..!

He did not apologise. His partner did.

Blimey, that is bad!

I would tell your mum exactly what he said (if she doesn't know at the moment) and ask would she like to have Christmas dinner with a man who said that to her? It is an offensive comment. If he thought it was funny, he's crass and bad mannered. That's something you would only joke about with a very good friend, and only if you knew through knowing them well that they would find it funny.

Now your mum has invited him it's awkward though. I would tell the family that if he starts on you again then you will leave immediately. Put the onus on them to watch his behaviour and intervene if he says anything inappropriate.

You will have to carry through the threat if he says any more sexual innuendos and they don't have your back, so make sure you have nice food at home.

I’m astonished at how many people on here are suggesting the OP spend Christmas Day with this awful family. They are embracing a vile misogynist over the wellbeing of their existing (female) family member.

As for all the “have some put-downs ready” NO NO NO. Who on earth wants to look ahead to Christmas Day expecting confrontation and nastiness over the turkey?

This man is not ‘mildly offensive’ or a bit badly behaved while drunk. His comments were carefully thought out. He picked his moment when the OP was alone which suggests intent and certainly forward planning. Who knows what he’ll do if he can get her alone again. This man knows exactly what he’s doing. Nailed on he’s done it many times before.

I wouldn’t go, you don’t need to make it about him. Just say you’re looking forward to enjoying a peaceful day at home. Or say you will go then pull a sickie last minute. If your family are too thick to see through him, then they’re beyond your help.

I think we're arguing in agreement. Yes, he shouldn't have said it, but yes he did so all he can do is apologise which I understand he did. I'm just saying no one is perfect and everyone deserves a second chance to make things right.

My standards are very high but I've been with DH 41 years so probably out of the loop.

Christmas day with friends or a lovely relaxing Christmas at home alone no pressure from anyone to socialise , all your favourite food and whatever you want on the TV.

I'm especially loving all the posters who said he apologised when he didn't.

A message via someone else isn't an apology, or even real.

Public abuse and private apologies don't cut it.

Unfortunately, the bar for men like this is in hell, and people like your mother are ten a penny. "Don't rock the boat / keep the peace / people will talk."

There is no way I would disrupt my peace by being in the company of this man again. I've dealt with my fair share of creeps, and they're all the same, always testing the fence to see what they can get away with next time, and then hide behind the veneer of alcohol, bantarrr, etc

If your mum wants to host this pig, let her and hopefully other guests won't know the Heimlich manoeuvre should he choke on a sausage. It's early enough in the year to plan a lovely Christmas with friends who might also be at a loose end, or a nice day alone.

Personally I would go to Xmas day but put up with no shit from boyfriend. Any inappropriate remarks demand an apology there and then. Then refuse to speak to him until he does. If it means bad atmosphere on Xmas day so be it - his choice.

I wouldn't even offer her the choice. Just say 'OK, no worries. I'll make other plans.'

Mum should put you before your cousin regardless. Hopefully she'll rethink without you having to make it a 'him or me' issue.

I’m sorry OP but that would have just made me laugh 😂

Well, IF you decide to go to Christmas and want to dish it back to him......

You could take a plate of browned Vienna sausages with two small olives/pearl onions/anything tiny and round speared onto each. When you offer him one, smile sweetly and say:
"I made these especially for you as I knew you would like having something more your size." Then walk away.

Why do you keep seeing this in the frame of a male and female relationship? He is OP’s cousin’s boyfriend, he is nothing to OP.

You keep saying he was with another woman.

That he found OP attractive.

That you’ve been with your husband with 41 years.

It’s like your mind can’t conceive that it’s inappropriate for men to talk to women about blowjobs to women. You don’t need to be single to see how bad his behaviour is. You can still understand it with 41 years of marriage behind you, you know.

you must have very low self esteem

Don’t go then?

Holy crap! Are you a man? What a revolting way to excuse what this arsehole said.

So, you'd think it was funny that some bloke who you barely knew made that comment? You need to raise your standards.....

Surprised by everyone saying oh he was probably drunk and nervous, it was only once I'd forgive him. I've been drunk and nervous loads of times and managed not to make an inappropriate sexual comment to someone. When you asked what he meant, he should have just said sorry it was a joke not doubled down that you know your way around a cock.

The guy ia a creep, I don't blame you for not wanting to spend any time with him but I think your mum is probably in a difficult position - as a lot of responses on here show, people won't want to not meet their family for a long time because of a comment which an apology has been made for.

So I'd probably just go but I'd be telling your mum that you won't be making a big effort with him, you won't be alone with him, and you would like her support in future if he makes any more gross comments

I agree it's a really unacceptable comment - but he has apologised which is all he can do at this point really.

If it was just someone on the periphery of your friendship group, say, I would say avoid him from now on wherever possible.

But you are close to your cousin and this (inexplicably, based on what we know!) is her choice of partner. Who knows, they may end up getting married, having kids together. If you choose to stay away from him, you are potentially choosing to distance yourself from an entire part of your family, sadly.

So you need to weigh it up carefully. It's ultimetaly your choice, none of us on here can tell you what to feel about this. And none of us have to live with the consequences of what you decide. Only you.

Personally, I have to say I wouldn't be panicking at this point? They may well have broken up by then anyway. Maybe give it sone proper thought in October if they are still together.

My personal advice (and as I say, I don't want to influence you as it's you who has to live with whatever you decide - just sharing one perspective to consider): I very likely will have to spend Christmas alone this year. Dad died last Christmas so mom doesn't want to celebrate it, my daughter will be at her dad's, and my brother will be abroad with his partner. I'm dreading it - I have always liked the idea of Christmas alone, but now it is being forced on me it feels terrible. I'd forgive a lot, to be able to spend it with my family. And especially with elderly people, you never know how many Christmases you have left.

But, you have to weigh it up as I say. I can't vote that you are being reasonable or unreasonable - I don't think there is an answer to that - your feelings are your feelings.

Do we have to turn this into a way of having a go at each other, and one-up-womanship about whose "standards" are "higher"? Different people see things differrntly - that's not news. Why does it have to be a competition?