Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

In that case, do you have any friends who will be on their own at Christmas who would iike to come to your house on Christmas Day?

It could be fun!

You can spend Christmas in your own house, if you want to.

What’s he going to ‘repent’ of ? Being a nasty misogynistic twat ? Doubtful.

So it’s OP’s fault for being ‘humourless’ ? Jesus wept the bar is on the floor for tolerating shitty behaviour from men isn’t it ? And what do you mean ‘particularly sensitive about the issue’? How is she ‘sensitive’ ? And how would you react if a man you had met five minutes ago started making suggestive remarks about you eating a sausage and then followed it up with ‘you know your way around a cock’ ? Of course it’s a targeted comment from a misogynist. If he had thought OP would find it hilarious he’d have said it in front of the whole party instead of waiting until they were alone. The level of misogyny from other women here is shocking.

Then do make other plans.

To be honest I would rather spend Christmas Day alone eating chocolates and crisps than spend it with that creep and his enablers.

@Christmasinvite

OP, do you live somewhere where there are opportunities for volunteers to help out on Christmas Day?

You could perhaps do that.

A good idea.
A friend of mine, that doesn't celebrate Christmas, volunteers for "Crisis at Christmas" every year.
Some local churches around here provide free Christmas Dinner for anyone who wants to attend, they are always glad to have some help.

Families can be rubbish OP and loyalties can unexpectedly disappear, especially where a man is the issue.

There are worse things than spending a nice peaceful Christmas alone if that is what you choose to do.

Jesus.

With “family” like that, who needs enemies?

I would either stay at home and enjoy myself but tell them I’ve gone away - or if you want to keep busy volunteer somewhere.

Agree. I’m astounded by the number of apologists. I found this posters’ take on it really disturbing. It’s not on OP to base her response on how she interprets what he said, but to make it clear that there are no circumstances under which it’s acceptable for him to say it.

The intention behind the remark seems very clear. To be blunt, OP’s cousin told him OP had ‘been around’, so he was testing the water with that remark to see whether he’d be in with a chance with her himself. There is no ‘benefit of the doubt’. It wasn’t a joke. The intention behind it was anything but funny. He’s a sleazebag

Enjoy a Christmas solo. I have a lovely family who I'm quite close to but had a solo Christmas just pleasing myself 2 years ago and it was great.

And there it is OP. The single biggest reason you shouldn’t be there at Christmas. I’m sorry but not only is your mum making excuses for what essentially was a stranger making vile, suggestive comments to her daughter, but she’s invoking her own social prejudices to support that. Her bar is through the floor, and now it’s at your expense.

This is absolutely not meant as any kind of criticism or judgement towards you OP, but we’ve skirted around the issue throughout the thread, so let’s be honest. Your cousin told him you dated a lot. He interpreted that to mean you sleep around. He got you on your own at the family gathering and made these comments which were thought through and designed so that your response would tell him if he would be in with a chance with you himself.

Your mum and the rest of your family don’t want to face that as a fact. Supporting you as the injured party would mean they have to confront him for the sleazebag he is and accept that your cousin is going to end up getting hurt if she stays with him. So they’ve chosen the easy way out - they’ve thrown you under the bus. Sorry but hell would freeze over before l’d be in the same room as this shitbag again. And l’d be making alternative arrangements, not only for Christmas, but for every other family event he’s present at. Your family may not have any respect for you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any for yourself.

Have you told DM you will not attend if he does? If so what has she said? I would ask her if she genuinely values his feelings and opinions more than she values her relationship with you. If she prevaricates I would just say again- I will not attend if he does. You need to decide. I will be alone at Christmas if you insist on him attending. That will be your decision not mine as I cannot sit in a room with this man.

Then I would leave her to think about it, and ber very clear you will not be changing your mind.

Have you spoken to cousin yet to find out what she said to new bf ?

OP said upthread that after the hot dog comment she asked what he meant, to which he replied that he’d heard she’d been on a lot of dates so must know her way around a cock !! So cousin has either told him outright that OP sleeps around, or that she dates often and he’s put his own spin on it. Beats me why cousin is still with him to be honest.

Yes I read the update so I would be chatting to cousin to find out what she said

I'm making the (possibly wrong?) assumption that he said it in a clumsy attempt to be funny. If he was deliberately trying to be insulting then my advice would be different.

I think @Christmasinvite 's bigger problem is her cousin tbh - she's obviously been gossiping to the boyfriend about her in a not very nice way.

As to the frequency of op's sexual activity, well it's up to her whether she wants to own it or not. But I don't think she should allow cousin, or cousin's boyfriend (or you) to make her feel ashamed of it.

I think that those of you who would stay away are wimps. It's a personal choice of course, but there's no way I would let an immature young man drive me out of a family event. I would rehearse a few one-liners and give as good as I got.

If you have to face him at the dinner table OP, I suggest carefully taking the bacon off your pig-in-blanket and saying "ooh, I do love a sausage" and stab it brutally with your fork while maintaining eye contact with cousin's bf. He'll get the message.

Broadly agree, cousin is the root of the problem. Where else would he get the impression that OP sleeps around. But l think the main reason OP should stay away is because of DM’s reaction. She’s making excuses for a man who insulted her DD and supporting those excuses with her own social prejudices. She’s also indirectly condoning OP’s cousin’s part in this.

My own feeling is that he was clearly sussing out whether he was in with a chance with OP himself - I can’t think of any other reason why he would say something like ‘l hear you know your way around a cock’ to any woman after literally just meeting her for the first time. I don’t think OP’s family want to face up to the hard truths here and they’re throwing her under the bus because it’s the easy option for them. Yes, she could front it out and be there at Christmas, but why should she ? Just because her family don’t respect her doesn’t mean she doesn’t respect herself or her boundaries.

So do you want everyone to spend Christmas seperately to apease yourself? How would you rather everyone spend it? Your cousin not see her partner? Or your aunt, cousin and cousins partner not see you and your mum at Christmas meaning your mum doesn’t see her sister and niece?

What a ridiculous comment @Daisymay1000

It wasn’t a clumsy attempt to be funny and he is not an immature young man. He was mature enough to orchestrate getting OP on her own at a family BBQ and try to humiliate and degrade her. I suspect this is not his first rodeo. This is a carefully planned situation he has, more than likely, set up a hundred times before.

We need to stop infantilising these sly men. They know exactly what they’re doing. They rely on silly women to find excuses for them. And they laugh behind these women’s backs.

OP doesn’t need to make a song and dance about it. Her mother has made her thoughts very clear. There’s nothing left to discuss. So, either say you’re going to have a peaceful day at home, or say you’ll go then cry off with a stomach bug. I wouldn’t discuss this man again.

I would rather spend Christmas day alone and invite my mum round for boxing day

Urgh so sorry op!