Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

Jesus this is awful.

I just think that accepting some horrible man making this kind of comment is just horrible. Nothing to do with having a go at somebody. Nothing to do with one-up-womanship!

Perfect.

The cousin’s choice in men is questionable but you can hardly expect her own mother to disown her over it. OP’s own mother has been disappointing, but she is in a difficult position too between her sister/niece and her daughter. And the incident has probably been played down by the cousin. Like a lot of posters on here who seem to think it was just a tasteless joke.

If OP would genuinely rather stay at home then fine, but if she understandably doesn’t relish this idea, I don’t see why the presence of this oaf should keep her away. That would be letting him win in my view! In the very unlikely event that he dares to insult OP again infront of the rest of the household, they’ll be able to see him for what he is and hopefully kick him out / be more understanding of OP’s position.

Comments like that, when your guard is compromised by alcohol, just shows what an utter misogynist, depraved, woman hating pig you are underneath.

I’m sorry your cousin will find out the hard way what he truly thinks of women.

I've never met anyone who talks like this and if I did I’d call them out at the top of my voice to show what a pig they were.

Why should you be pushed out of Christmas. I’d go but I’d tell your mum, aunt and cousin that if he repeats his sexist, repulsive behaviour then you are leaving.

id simply warn your mum that if this man makes one inappropriate comment to you, you will turn on him and call him out in front of everyone and probably ruin Christmas Day.

Maybe your DM should tell cousin to keep him on a short lead and tell him to stay quiet to prevent anything blowing up.

(Obviously it’s him ruining the day by coming out with shit, but you know how it will be perceived).

I’d go and plan to have a lovely day and ignore twat man as much as possible.

Personally, I’d really love an excuse to have a truly peacefull Xmas alone!!

More to the point of the OP: I think it pointless telling,asking, reasoning etc with all folks in charge of this gathering.
Just don’t go.
That would make a larger statement of your feelings & can’t be ignored or manipulated into others interpretations.

I would be booking a lovely sunny holiday over Christmas. Just do it and if they complain say that when you asked for him not to be invited you were ignored, so now you are ignoring them. When they rant and rave that you are spoiling Christmas, let them. Just do something lovely for yourself. Take a friend if you can.

Yeah. It’s August. It might need some working out.

Comments like yours are so………so very typically Mumsnetty. Let’s pick on the minute details. The smaller the better.

If it were ‘just a tasteless joke’ he’d have said it in front of everyone else, wouldn’t he?

And that would mean a) you’re ok with a stranger suggesting you’re a slag (choose whatever name is appropriate)
b) he’ll think you’re flirting with him
c) it will validate whatever your cousin has been saying about you
d) he will think it’s ok to talk like that to any woman
e) he will engage with you in a similar way on further (family?) meet-ups.

Yuk

Yes but is she aware of the upset this has caused

I wasn’t saying I think it is a tasteless joke, I’m just thinking of ways the OP’s family might be interpreting it. Especially as the cousin will have given ‘her side’ of things. Point is, I don’t think this arsehole is potentially worth falling out with close family over and having a lonely Christmas. Unless that’s what the OP would prefer to do, of course. Fingers crossed the cousin sees the light and ditches him before it comes to that anyway.

It would be fine for you to eventually accept his apology and socialise with him.
But not at Christmas! OP you should refuse to attend if he’s going to be there.

It’s a spectrum of potential comments, intention and interpretation though isn’t it?

We don’t know the full picture (and perhaps even OP doesn’t!). It could have been misguided jokes that landed extra badly because the OP is humourless or particularly sensitive about the issue and he wasn’t aware.

Alternatively it could have been targeted comments from a misogynist, made specifically with the intention to hurt her feelings!

If it’s the first then I agree he should be given another chance. If it’s the latter then obviously not.

Although I would point out that perhaps OP won’t really know the answer unless she DOES give him a second chance? Time would surely reveal the truth either way?

Could an option be @Christmasinvite to suggest a meet up before Christmas Day, to clear the air?

If all is well then you can relax before Christmas but if he is creepy again then at least you can really stand behind the “it’s him or me” ultimatum and make alternative Christmas plans if your mum doesn’t take your side.

Start the conversation about you possibly not attending, see if he gets in touch. If it's a genuine, 'I'm a dickhead' apology, then I'd move passed it. I wouldn't have been so offended to start with, you were, so you've got to decide how big you want this to be. There's a SIL on another thread who won't be in the OP's company and holidays and potentially funerals are going to be missed. It could have been a moment of dickheadness, it depends on how old you are and his background. If they stay together, you've got to decide now if you are happy to be cut out of the family. Are you going to let your children mix in the future etc. It's easy for posters to say just don't go, but you can't expect your Mum to agree with you and cut her sister and DN out. She was there and knew his mood/level of drunkeness etc.

I think YANBU because your feelings are valid. I would speak to your DM and explain how you feel about this man and how his comments made you feel.
i can understand some people saying if this was a one off incident under the influence of alcohol,with an immediate sincere apology perhaps a second chance may be the way to go, but its how you feel about it that matters.
Bottom line is after speaking to your DM your family choose to invite this man to Christmas you have 2 choices...1. attend and see how it goes.2. decide not to attend and make the reason clear to your family.

I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset about this but unfortunately conflict avoidant people will always take the easy way out. I have a similar situation where a direct family member betrayed me but other family members are being dismissive to a point I’ll never be able to feel the same way towards them and probably won’t ever see them again.

I laughed at part one but the follow up was definitely creepy! It’s hard to give the benefit of the doubt but maybe the initial joke came out and then when challenged he scrambled for more jokes and erred badly.

But the fact is, she might end up marrying him! I think better to see them at something lower stakes than Christmas and give him the opportunity to clear the air himself before deciding what to do about Christmas Day.

I agree the ending wasn't great but maybe it sounded better in his head 😂

@Ponoka7 She was there and knew his mood/level of drunkeness etc. (Referring to the mother)

Then she should have stepped in and shut him down.

If any guest in my house made comments like that, inferring my daughter was 'slutty' (pick any suitable word here) they'd have been asked to leave and take their smutty comments with them.

It's not just a crass joke though, is it. The fact he said OP looks like she can navigate her way around a sausage indicates he was thinking of her wrapping her mouth around a penis. I personally don't want any man conjuring up thoughts and images of oral sex if I'm eating a sausage or a banana. Even less do I want them crudely vocalising those thoughts to me.

It could have been misguided jokes that landed extra badly because the OP is humourless or particularly sensitive about the issue and he wasn’t aware.

So women are humourless and sensitive about being told by a man they have just met that they must know their way around a cock because they’ve been around a lot?

Could an option be to suggest a meet up before Christmas Day, to clear the air?

You wouldn’t meet up with a man who insulted you like that, so why do you want that for OP?