Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

I thin the biggest issue here is - is your cousin aware of this behaviour? And if so - why is she still with the awful creature?

YANBU. I would tell your mum that you will not be attending if he is there, so she needs to choose between him or you.

Is there anyone else you could have Christmas with?

First offense and in a nervous situation I would give someone the benefit of doubt

I think I would be telling my mum that it’s him or me. Does your cousin know what an unpleasant person her partner is ?

Yes she is, she has turned a blind eye essentially though.

Only by myself. My kids are with their fathers family this year.

He made two comments.

He apologised via the cousin so presumably she knows...
Why not suggest a sober Christmas then he probably won't come anyway.

More fool her!! But I’m sorry to hear this x

If you feel that strongly about him OP, then I think you have to tell your DM that you won't be there for Christmas if he's going to be. However, to some degree I do agree with her, that having apologised, as it has at this point ,only happened on one occasion, you should perhaps give him a second chance. Maybe he drank more than he is used to at the BBQ through nerves about meeting you, or something, but he did send his apologies. If you decide to attend and give him a second chance, I would be making it very clear to your DM and your cousin that any reoccurrence of what happened, and you will be leaving, and having nothing further to do with him.

Is there anyone you could have Christmas with at your home? Or do your friends and other other family have plans?

If that is the only offence he has committed and he has apologised, then I agree with your mum and think you should forgive and forget.

If you rise above it and he continues to prove himself to be a dickhead then you will be able to honestly say that you welcomed/ accepted him. If you kick up a fuss now then you will be seen as the problem between the two of you and you will damange your relationship with cousin and other family.

Absolutely this. You’re being ridiculous.

How many people do you socialise with who have repeatedly said you sleep around?

He got a couple of drinks, got silly, probably found you attractive and let him mouth run away with him. He then realised he'd been insulting and apologised unreservedly.

I don't think this will happen again because you can't do that twice and get away with it twice, but I don't think he should carry on paying for it after he's apologised. Nobody is perfect.

If it was the first time you met him. I would be pretty confident in thinking that your cousin said something about your sex life, for him to make a comment, that’s probably why she is still with him.
Has she ever disagreed with your lifestyle choices in the past?

probably found you attractive and let him mouth run away with him.

I thought that the misogynistic view that men are nasty to women they fancy had died a decades ago. Seems not. 🙄

I was eating a hot dog and he said about me looking like I know how to navigate a sausage. I asked what he meant, to which his follow up was he’s heard I’ve been on a lot of dates so must know my way around a cock.

Why did he say that? It’s a bit random?

i think you’re being unreasonable, it’s done now, but I do think you should have some sort of comments collection in your back pocket ready for him this next meet up, something that can shut him down quickly and make him look like an idiot if this is more than a one off for him

Lots of people think if your kids have different fathers, then you get around. They will lie to you, pretend they don't think that, but they do. However, he has no manners and he should have kept his opinions to himself.

It`s not christmas yet and the christmas drama threads are starting early.

What makes you think that the op’s children have different fathers? Could just be a missing apostrophe? Op could have meant to say ‘my kids are with their father’s family this year’. If there are several fathers, it would have been ‘my kids are with their fathers’ families this year’.

@Christmasinvite

If the children are at their father's family this year, could you solve the problem by booking a nice Christmas break away for yourself?

Then I am wrong and apologies are in order.

He sounds vile. I wouldn't want to be around him either. I would see if you could spend Christmas with a friend or of not buy a load of nice food in and spend it peacefully at home. Maybe have a second Christmas dinner a few days later with your mum and children once they get back home.