Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

Having had this detail, I wouldn't be spending Xmas with him either.

This is really one of the first problems on Mumsnet that I’ve scratched my head over - I really don’t know the answer to this one.

In the absence of the answer being clear, in your shoes I would let your mum and cousin know how you feel and then just wait and worry about this in December. Many things could happen by then.

Ultimately I’d be up for the fight, there is no reason why you shouldn’t go to Christmas at your own mum’s house and who is he to start making comments that you get about. “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
and “What did you mean by that?” in a level
voice looking him right in the eye will be useful responses here.

But why on earth is your cousin still with him? It’s an incredibly rude thing to say to a partner’s relative.

That's not dealing with it. That's letting them get away with it.

Men who make deliberately belittling, sexist, offensive, misogynistic comments to women - frequently from a position of power - don't give a toss about 'witty/withering replies.'

I also spent decades in a sexist environment dominated by men (City law firms) who made comments/passes/worse all the time, and I do not get your attitude one bit. In this case, you're literally trying to make excuses for him, suggesting that he might have been nervous or was trying to be funny. Why? Also saying that men making unwanted sexual comments are just 'uneducated oafs' who don't know what they're saying, bless 'em, is not something I'd expect to hear in 2026.

You don't seem to think that men should be held accountable at all, and it's a woman's job to titter a witty little retort and let them carry on being boys.Tf?

I want better for my daughters and their generation than the crap I dealt with. And while it still gets dusted off on MN, 'clutching pearls' is also a sexist, derisive, tired old trope.

She wasn't in the room when it was said, the OP didn't want to spoil the BBQ by telling anyone. But she knows in what state he was in. In some quarters, this would be taken as a joke. He needs to say if it was a case of getting it wrong.

I would still go, but that's because I'm bloody minded. And I have a good line in Paddington hard stares. I wouldn't let a misogynistic dickhead determine my Christmas. If I didn't go he'd get a lovely family Christmas and I'd be on my own, and in my head that would mean he'd won. A PP talked about him sitting at Christmas dinner gloating, he'd be gloating a damn sight more if he thought he was the reason OP was alone.

But while I might have been taken aback the first time, second time I'd be prepared. Not with 'witty' comebacks that descend to his level but challenge him with a cool head.

Ugh, is he 14?

Well the whole male population is not going to change between now and Xmas. Some men are just thick and think they're being funny. I'm not being defeatest, but there always has been, and always will be, idiots like this in society.
In this case I would go and stand my ground. I would not let any man make me feel uncomfortable and get away with it. If op stays away and has an Xmas on her own then he's got the upper hand.
if he's rude again I would not hesitate to put him in his place and show him up. Even if it causes an argument.
Staying away, or uninviting him is not going to affect or bother him, imo.

Have yourself a stress free day with TV and treats.....better than listening to a boorish man

I can’t see any humour here at all. I agree, it would be stooping to his level.

Not on Xmas day surely.

Who cares. If OP is a single woman she is totally entitled to sleep with whoever she wishes. The days of slutshaming should be well behind us.

I saw my DM in person yesterday, whilst she agrees it was an unacceptable comment she maintains it’s not one to fall out over and that she is going ahead as planned.

She says to cut him some slack as in her words ‘he grew up on a tough estate and probably isn’t used to mixing outside of those circles particularly as he’s in a manual trade’.

I told her that’s nonsense, but she just doubled down.

I am so sorry OP.
Your mother truly is a disgrace.
Unbelievable.

Yep, my previous assessment stands. Nasty mother. Make your own plans OP.

@Christmasinvite

OP, in the light of that, why not look for a Christmas break away for yourself? The Canary Islands, somewhere like that.

You've said that your children are at their father's family at Christmas.

I see no point at all in enduring a miserable Christmas, wondering when he's going to come out with more of his sparkling humour, when you could be sitting in the sun and having a nice time.

Do you have funds to go away for Christmas?

I do agree that if she doesn't go he will think he's won and I like your suggestion of OP having a plan to challenge him if he starts again.

But he will think he's won anyway won't he?
I just don't think I could bear being there him walking around my Mum's home and gloating because he knows she complained and he knows everyone else supported him and not the OP
@Tungstern had some good points.

I think his initial remarks were a bit of a power trip... what can I get away with, and now he knows - quite a lot. Remembering that he did this out of everyone else's earshot, He sounds like a divide and rule personality.

TBH I'm really not sure what I would do in the OP's situation. Only you can judge this @Christmasinvite I'm so sorry your Mum's reaction was so disappointing. She acknowledges it was unacceptable but has chosen the turn a blind eye route, the one where you shut up we can all forget it and pretend everything's dandy.

Do you think its because your Mum is counting on the fact that you will be reined in and attend, so she doesn't really think you'll boycott the event? Maybe she sees you as an extension of herself and thinks its good manners to ignore it. How would she react if you didn't go? Maybe you not being there is the shock they all need? Would she accept it if you didn't go, or get into a huff. Maybe that would illustrate to her what the consequences are of ignoring his behaviour.

I don't think You are losing a normal, happy, family Christmas if you boycott it.
Attending would carry a lot of anxiety due to dreading it for weeks ahead.
Could you guage in advance if he's learnt his lesson and intends to behave himself so that it might be possible to attend?
or would you be potentially having to watch him turn on an all out charm offensive to convince them that it was all in your mind, with the family saying afterwards, "You see OP, he's ok really, it time you got over it and accept him like we have." Which in turn could make you feel more upset at the lack of support.

What you can be sure of that this guy is stuffed full of confidence in himself to be turning up to Chrismas Day to meet his new partners family and behaving like he did. He's not a nice person, a lame non apology via your cousin doesn't count. Unless you have nerves of steel, you could end up being seen as the problem causer of the piece. You didn't want to cause a scene last time. It depends if you think your DM would speak up for you this time or wants to continue to "let it lie" or even if they'd weigh in to defend him?

It would be easier if you were able to challenge him, one to one, and not in front of all his supporters.

Can you think of other plans that would be a better alternative?

As they are fond of saying on MN.. when someone shows you who they are believe them.
Hopefully he won't be able to stop his true character from showing and you can all wave him goodbye.
Sorry OP.. Mixed advice I know, but you are better placed to judge their likely reactions.

I would find a nice spa hotel and go away by yourself.

Bloody hell. Did you ask her how she’d feel if he said it to her?

Sorry she has let you down. She’s so in the wrong here.

That's shit OP. My mum would have hunted the bastard down to tell him he was no longer invited and exactly why. I would do the same if anyone said that to my daughter.

I'm so sorry she's not backing you up. Go elsewhere for Christmas. A wee holiday in the sun if you can afford it ❤️

Yanbu to not want anything to do with him
But yabu to be surprised or upset that he's been invited for Christmas

I would be wary of trusting your mum if she says she hasn't invited him for Christmas after all. You could turn up and find him there watching your reaction with glee.
What are you going to do then?

Nah, I wouldn't spend my Christmas day with anyone that thinks that is an appropriate thing to say to a woman he has just met. Being in a trade or from a rough background is not an excuse.

Your mum and cousin have chosen whose side they are on. I am sorry that you are being let down by your mother who should be keeping this creep away from you, not inviting him into her home and trying to make out that the issue is you for not getting over it.

I am not one for making ultimatum so would not tell her that it is him or me for Christmas Day. I would make my own decision based on him being at your mum's on Christmas Day and just let her know what you decide. Options as I see it are:

1. Attend and pretend nothing happened. However, you would be sending the message that his behaviour is okay. If he (or anyone else) is inappropriate again then you will be expected to let it go as you have done it before.
2. Attend but do not talk to or interact with him. You will be treated as the bad guy for making things awkward and not getting over it.
3. Attend and raise it directly You are the bad guy for making things awkward.
4. Do Christmas elsewhere. Mother will be upset but it was her decision to choose this leche over your wellbeing.

So who told him this

your cousin ?

yes was crass but I would forgive this time , esp if he said he was sorry

maybe he was nervous etc

yes a silly comment but if happens again least you can say you tried

A holiday is out of the question unfortunately, I do just about manage a holiday every summer but I’m far from ‘mumsnet rich’ to coin a term.