Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

What makes you say he was allowed to get away with it? OP must have made her outrage known in some way, otherwise the apology would never have been made the next day.

Anyway, he sounds vile but I don’t think I’d let this knuckle dragger scare me away from my own family Christmas. If your cousin stays with this guy, then there will presumably be other family gatherings where he is present. Better to face up to him now. I’d go, be very cold with him, and give him the dressing down if his life if he utters anything remotely offensive. But then I am a rather confrontational type 😬

”he’s heard I’ve been on a lot of dates so must know my way around a cock.”

This isn’t just an unfortunate tipsy joke. This man is vile and I’m shocked that the three women closest to you are brushing this off and inviting him for Christmas.

There is no way I’d be spending the day with him/them.

I actually laughed at this, maybe he just uses humour in awkward situations.

I guess the issue is that notwithstanding the comments your cousin has chosen to remain in a relationship with him and her mother is not cutting him (and by extension her) off so when you say you never want to see him again, that could mean never seeing your cousin, and potentially your aunt, again. Are you prepared for that? If your mother uninvites them that could mean the end of her seeing them too. Maybe she doesn’t want that? In the circumstances I think I would go to the Christmas under advisement and see how it goes. If he is the same or worse I’d have to make a decision then.

What's awkward about eating a hot dog ffs?

I'm appalled, quite frankly, at all the apologists on this thread for such crass behaviour.

Awkward as in meeting his girlfriend's family.

Some people would find it funny. Jimmy Carr sells out, so many people do have differing senses of humour and no doubt he has realised OPs sense of humour is different to his.

Then I’d spend it by yourself. You could have a nice day. it’s only society that yaps on about “who are you spending Christmas with”. If you think about it without that constraint, spend Christmas Day on your own is perfectly good.

Creepy men are awful.

Eurgh that’s so creepy! What a drip

Don't blame you for not wanting to see him but things are going to be very awkward in future if you don't want to attend family gatherings when he's there. What he said was vile.

I'd be there on Christmas day with bells on and say at Christmas lunch...

'Brian, do you want to share with the family what you said to me last time we met? What was it again, oh yes, I look like I know my way around a cock...' 'Nice spread mum...'

I’d make alternate plans for Christmas. If he’s so important let them have him. You can have a perfectly lovely time without that nonsense. Do Xmas with your mum another day.

Every word of this. But especially this: “the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.”

@Spiffingdarling88 so many people do have differing senses of humour and no doubt he has realised OPs sense of humour is different to his.

If he had any brains, intelligence or manners he would have kept quiet until he'd had a chance to evaluate the situation and get to know the people he was eating with.
That's what you do when you are a guest in someone else's home, not just open your big trap and put your foot in it.

If you go to see Jimmy Carr, Chubby Brown or Billy Connolly you know you're going to be offended, insulted and subjected to 'adult humour'.
You don't expect it at a family gathering.

I said YABU, but having seen what he actually said, and that it was disgustingly specific to someone he doesn’t even know, I‘ve changed my vote.
Sleazy dick.

What do you mean, “ he apologised via my cousin “?
That sounds as if she apologised, not him. Has he approached you at all about this?
If he actually did apologise himself, that’s different from your cousin doing it, on behalf of her bf. The fact that he made two separate comments, when you were alone with him, sounds not just insulting but threatening, I’m not surprised you don’t want to be in his company. For him to behave like that to a woman he has just met, to a relative of his gf is not only misogynistic, but on a power trip.
Do you think your mum would choose appeasing aunt and sister over you being there for Christmas? I think I’d tell her you won’t go if he’s there. Sure, she likes to avoid conflict, but you also know that if that’s the case, she won’t be standing up for you if he’s there does the same again ( or worse - the fact he said this when you were alone sounds like the behaviour of someone quite predatory).
As far as I can see, he hasn’t apologised to you, and either doesn’t care if this is smoothed over, or expects all the women will run around trying to out things right on his behalf, without him having to deign to apologise to you at all.
If you do go, there’s every chance he’ll do it again, knowing that you, and his gf, and all her family, will accept his behaviour. And if he’s like this with you, what’s he like with your cousin?
So, tell your mum that he hasn’t apologised to you, and that won’t be going if he is there. She can disinvite him or you can make other arrangements.

See how it goes. Ignore him or keep any interactions to a minimum. Dont be alone with him etc...

I think it’s the making sexual comments to his girlfriend’s cousin that’s really grim

Nerves is a dud excuse -if I was nervous about meeting someone for the first time, I'd be focussed on making a decent first impression. I wouldn't launch into misogynist slurs. Your cousin's boyfriend has shown who he is and what he thinks.

Exactly what I was thinking! Go away and be quiet and dignified but not flouncing.

Can i also just mention how ashamed I am to be around women who belittle other women for this stuff.
ITS 2026, WOMEN CAN EAT SAUSAGES AND BANANAS WITHOIT BENNY FUCKING HILL POPPING UP!

Lets hope he drinks and makes horrible comment to her then he will get dumped

id go snd keep away from him

Oh god, that is vile!!!

Yeah he sounds gross.

And your cousin is STILL dating this man? Fuck!

I think I'd go along this Christmas and I'd completely grey rock him. And I mean completely.

Have a lovely time. But ignore the cunt

This is such a powerful question. Please ask your mum this.

Lots of fellaz here these days. I mean, it might account for SOME of it... 🤔