Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

He sounds vile, but I would be inclined to give him another chance. If he does it again at Christmas pour a drink over his head or something.

That's not the excuse you think it is - no excuse at all, really. A man whose first instinct is sexist claptrap when tipsy and/or "nervous" is not a man I want to be around on holidays.

This

No acceptable. You don't have to put up with this. Tell your Mum you won't be coming to her for Xmas this year. Why not go on holiday instead? You don't have your DC so you could book into a nice spa hotel for Xmas and Boxing day.

I know what hurts though it's the feeling your Mum hasn't got your back. I was very hurt after my ex cheated on me and emptied joint bank account after I divorced him and he knocked on her door one day out of the blue as he apparently working close she invited him in and offered him some bloody apple pie and coffee. I felt like the one person who should have shut the door on him rolled out the red carpet for him. I found it hard to forgive my Mum and stayed away for a long time.

You are kidding aren't you? Whatever happened to keeping your mouth shut. He was there with another woman therefore his opinion was totally beside the point. And, if he's not capable of holding his drink he should stick to softs.

Are you a mouthy male by any chance?

Your mum sounds nasty. I would not attend. Tell your mum why. If she still sides with this subpar specimen she truly is a shit mother.

That’s a very long winded way of saying you don’t understand humour.

Do your DM and cousin know word for word what he said? I’m just thinking that if they don’t that might be a reason they are minimising?

I'd be signing myself up to volunteer at the Christmas soup kitchen rather than sit in that pricks company over Xmas

Grim 🤢
I wouldn’t go but then I have no problem spending Christmas Day on my own.
Who says that to another person regardless of hearing that they’ve been on a lot of dates….
I think I would have replied at the time that his brain is probably the same size as his cock.. small and that you were lucky that unlike your Cousin you didn’t have to put up with either of his organs…
I mean it’s all just abit of banter and ok when you’ve had a few isn’t it??!!
What a total dick.

He sounds really rough. You’d have to be from the gutter to think saying that to someone you’ve only just met is ok.

Does your Mum know exactly what he said? He sounds utterly vile.
is there a chance you can avoid any interaction with him? Interesting that he has no other family clamouring for his company at Christmas - but not surprising.
Can you tell your cousin that you are hoping his behaviour was a blip but that you expect her to ensure he is much more respectful this time as you regard him as a stranger and not part of the family and you expect guests to be polite and not offensive. Don’t go through your Mum as she will either dilute the message or not say anything at all.
Also be really clear with your Mum about how upset you are over both his behaviour and her minimising of it.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

As long as your cousin is with her partner, be prepared for the fact that your cousin and your aunt probably won’t be spending Christmas Day with you again if the partner isn’t invited.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

There isn’t going to be much conflict to be honest, your cousin will probably decline the Christmas invitation if her partner isn’t invited and your aunt will probably opt to spend it with her daughter.

Christmas with just your cousin and aunt isn’t very likely while the partner is on the scene.

Are you even sure he was the one who apologised? Is it at all possible that your cousin apologised on his behalf because she was embarrassed by what he'd said? In which case, it makes it even worse that he's been invited. I'd rather spend the day alone, than with a misogynist pig like him, to be honest.

Maybe not your humour but it’s not crime of the century!

I think you’re being OTT

Exactly. If you’re ’nervous’ then either avoid a conversation altogether or talk about work or hobbies not eating cock.

Another thing, does your DM know the exact comment or did you just say it was inappropriate? Would be upset if she knew the exact comment. Ditto your cousin.

I wouldn't spend Christmas day with this guy. But then no one in my family would invite this man anywhere

...or you have very low standards

@caringcarer I know what hurts though it's the feeling your Mum hasn't got your back.

I agree.
A good friend of mine's husband cheated on her with her younger sister. The mother took the sister's part saying that if 'she'd been a better wife he wouldn't have done it.' 😮
This caused a family rift and my friend never spoke to her parents for 20 years. It was only when her father was in hospital dying and her mother pleaded with her to go and visit that she went.
She'd spent 20 years raising two kids and putting them through Uni as a single mum, without any help.
Just because someone is related by blood doesn't give them a free pass for poor behaviour.

Whilst he’s clearly a dick with misogynist tendencies, you’ve made it clear that you’re not prepared to tolerate his sexist and sexualised comments. Don’t play the victim here; if he says anything vaguely inappropriate call him out firmly and loudly and let your mum and your cousin know in advance that you will do this and leave if he can’t behave like a civilised adult. Or better still they should agree that he will be asked to leave if he can’t behave politely in someone else’s house. Why should you have to miss your family Christmas? Tbf with aht luck they will have split by then. But if she is in it for the long term you are better to have set clear boundaries than to let him piss over your territory.

I would tell your mum you are definitely not going if he is and make sure she knows exactly what he said and thank her for taking sides.
Just have a nice Christmas on your own, its only a couple of days and you wont have to see this arsehole.

Oh and ask your mum if she would have drawn a line under it if he had asked her if she was good at earing cock!

Eating.

It happened. But just for you we can turn the clock back so he didn't say it because he was with another woman and it was crass and misogynistic - hope that helps?

No one is saying he was right by any means, but neither should his arse be nailed to the cross for it either.

And no, I am not a mouthy male, I am a woman who has lived a long time and seen everything twice over. I am not so naive as to think that every man is perfect and everyone's actions all the time are above reproach. Thankfully I don't live in cloud cuckoo land.