Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

I think it’s low on the scale of shit thinking many scummy men actually have (nor excusing, just couldn’t give a shit about these lowlifes anymore). But without a doubt he was extremely disrespectful. But in my mind the worst thing about it all is him accidentally showing he’s scum. I’m pretty confident though and would be happy enough to just let it be known I think very very little of him as a human and think less of my cousin for essentially endorsing and accepting that an apology means anything at all. I could still be in the room with him at Christmas but he would know well I think he’s scum. Without me saying much.

unfortunately these men are EVERYWHERE and I totally understand you don’t want him at your Christmas so either fight it out or just accept that he’s a sub standard human and don’t let him get anywhere near under your skin because men like that want to feel power over women. Dont give it to him.

what I mean is, holding the line causes drama unfortunately, and this gives him power. It’s counter intuitive but there’s a better way to stand up to him.

I’d say to your mum you are really disappointed she has put you in this position of either being alone at Christmas or spending the day with someone who makes you uncomfortable. It’s great for her that she’s drawn a line on it but it wasn’t about her. I wonder if he insulted her would she be so keen. And bf didn’t even apologise himself which shows how little he cares.

But ultimately it’s her house her choice. You can only decide what you will do.

Are you really going to never spend Christmas with your family again over this though? Given that she hasn’t dumped him and he may be a permanent feature. Surely better to go and hope either it really was a one-off or that he shows himself up again and he is uninvited going forward… I don’t see why you should effectively have to be!

Totally agree with this. The drama some people make over some comments.
I would go, I would totally ignore him and if anyone said anything I would, quite loudly, repeat exactly what he said to me last time I saw him.
i would also secretly hope he said something else and I would tear him to shreds.
i would never let a moron like that come between me and Xmas with my family

I used to work in the most toxic environment ever. Totally mentally unsafe. A bloody prep school of all things. I couldn't leave, I wasn't brave enough. One day we got a new teacher, he was what Brene Brown would call wholehearted I guess. By Christmas he had thought fuck this and politely resigned and moved on. Everyone loved and respected him and I remember being in absolute awe of someone brave and 'safe' enough to be able to do that. Luckily, as i have got older I have, and recently quoted the guy in the office to someone and said I dont let anyone speak to me like that, not my family, not my colleagues, not anyone. Its better than sex. Fuck them, go and do something else and enjoy your own company. Scary but wonderful. Don't get pissed, do something positive, go for a hike, volunteer, anything but dont be 30 year old me.

I would be offended by that. I would ask my cousin why they had been discussing how many dates I'd been on. Maybe he was prying and she answered his questions without realising what the number of dates would mean to him because she hasn't realised he is a twat yet. Maybe she will before Christmas.

I would also be disappointed if my mum didn't tell my cousin that he couldn't come and say if she really wants to spend Christmas day with him they should go to his family or enjoy their day by themselves. But I wouldn't let a pervy little shit like him keep me away from my family. I would tell my mum and cousin that I'd let that comment go as it might have been a one off but if he is rude to me again I would be calling him out on it there and then. So if they don't want "a scene" they need to make sure he is reminded how decent, well-mannered people behave.

I think the people telling you to forgive and forget, it’s a first offence, you’re being ridiculous etc are massively gaslighting you

This guy has shown himself to be free with his insults with someone he barely knows, loose tongued after alcohol, and a horrible misogynist

I would be telling my DM that you won’t be in attendance and have a very relaxing Christmas elsewhere on your own if need be (assuming your ability to do that eg not feeling left alone etc)

Do you not think times have changed? It might have been normal in the 80s/90s/00s, but that doesn't mean it should still be tolerated. Fwiw your employer would now have an obligation to stop you from being sexually harassed.
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-protections-from-sexual-harassment-come-into-force

Few options here. Refuse to go and say how disappointed you are.

Go, settle in before he gets there with a few drinks and welcome him with “you again?”

Place a bowl of delicious gummy sweets you can get from Amazon (only for those with bowels of steel) and hope he grazes all day on them.

Offer him more pigs in blankets as he’s obviously enjoying gobbling them down.

Have butterfingers when it comes to passing the gravy, because he loves a bit of gravy.

Then when / if your cousin tries to pick you up on it ask her why he thinks you’ve been on lots of dates and ask what she’s been implying.

Follow it up with an apology as you’ve just had a couple of drinks. Whoops.

ETA: if by any chance she turns up with an engagement ring for Christmas, don’t hold back the laugh. Seen it so many times. So unoriginal and clearly couldn’t think of anything else.

Prepare to retaliate and improvise. A fork would make an excellent stabby weapon.

Do you think the relationship will last until Christmas? Perhaps it's time to spread what he said around family - ruin his reputation.

Your mum is a twat but she is old enough to have been brought up to think this was normal (like some posters here). Would she be up for discussion about changing laws, morals, feminism, violence against women and girls? My mum tries harder when I call something she says/does old fashioned - she can't bear to be though of as old.

Tbh Christmas alone is definitely something to try.
The house to yourself, eating what you want when you want, watching what you want on tv is bliss

Someone told the oaf OP goes on lots of dates, in a way that made him think this remark was funny… my money is on the cousin.

Have you ever had a man you’ve only just met insinuate that you sleep around ? Only asking because you seem to think that’s acceptable.

I agree.

And people insist that punctuation doesn't matter.

He apologised the next day via my cousin

Did he fess up the next day to your cousin, or did you tell your cousin what he'd said? If it was the former, and the apology seemed sincere, then I'd probably give him one more chance. If it seemed as though your cousin was apologising for him and he wasn't genuinely remorseful, then I wouldn't be so forgiving. You can either go to the Christmas dinner and avoid him as much as possible, or choose to spend the day on your own/go away somewhere. Your DM will likely feel embarrassed at the thought of disinviting someone, and if the bf doesn't come, your cousin may not come either. Then potentially your aunt won't come and so it escalates.

There's still 4 months to the C day. Maybe your cousin will suss out what a twat her bf is before then and dump him.

What apology ?

Maybe when he's stuffing a pig in blanket in his gob, comment "Wow Simon, you seem to know your way around a sausage too. Interesting!"

"work out" how long her children are away?

This is something the OP will just know, surely. What an odd thing to say.

‘Just a little one though’

I'm so surprised your DM is casting aside your feelings on this and inviting a disgusting man to C day dinner. Your cousin will fond out the hard way what an arsehole her BF is.

I would speak to your DM and explain to her that if she insists on her DN BF attesning C day dinner that you won't be there. His behaviour was disgusting toward you.

You can choose to send C day as you wish. Don't let others dictate what they feel you SHOULD be doing. C day is your day too.

So, in order to highlight what a prick this man is, OP should act like an insane prick herself? And you think that would be a win?

If he does the same thing on Christmas Day, call him out literally - call out loudly
"How dare you say such a sexist, untrue insulting thing to me?"

And do it in your cousin's presence so she can see what a sleaze he is.

Be brave!

I’m quite old and heard a lot of sleazy comments, but this is pretty grim, and also shows they’ve been talking about you

Rather than framing it as “not going cos he’ll be there” I’d look for something lovely to do by yourself over Christmas, maybe go away for a break? Then you have a good reason not to be there but don’t have to bring him into it

What has your cousin been saying about you? I'd be just as pissed off with her.