Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

Don't be alone with him. Maybe because it wasn't witnessed, they only half believe you. Keep an eagle eye on him, and call him out in front of the others for any similar remarks, don't let it pass as "banter". It's your cousin I'm sorry for, why is she with such a POS?

You should attend Christmas and hope that the boyfriend has truly repented.

Don't bring up the past. Give no reason for your family to think you cause him any ill will.

If he is acting offensively again do not fear.
All your famlly is there. They'll witness that he instigates hate speech for no reason.

The best thing is that your cousin sees him for his terrible self. An offensive boyfriend will not last long.

What the fuck!?

please don’t spend Christmas with this man.

Tell your mum that he made a disgusting sexual comment to you and she should be supporting her daughter?! Then book a trip away.

We don't know that the children have different fathers because we don't know where the missing apostrophe should be.

I'd rather spend the day alone than with a man like this.

Your Mum made her choice, let her live with the consequences of it.

Yeah that’s quite offensive, although I imagine he thought he was being funny but honestly I’d accept the apology, and move on, if it happens again, then clearly that’s it, if you can’t do that you need to make alternate Xmas plans,

Some of the replies here seem to show why these men get away with being so vile. The apologists are unreal, if men knew that any sort of comment like this was unacceptable it might stop but no, he’s nervous, let’s give him the benefit of of the doubt. I don’t recall ever being so nervous I’ve made an inappropriate sexual comment to someone I’ve never met. I’d be telling my mum it’s him or me. But then my mum would never have turned a blind eye.

@Frozensun The former (male) chief of the Australian army made a speech about sexual misconduct which included “the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.”
Think about it, all of us.

This nails it ^

Oh, so he said something mildly offensive. It's hardly a borderline sexual assault is it.

I can't understand so many people saying the op should stay away. Why on earth should she let this immature young man drive her away from her family Christmas.

@Christmasinvite I think you need to "woman up". I hope you looked him in the eye and said "am I making you nervous?".

He has apologised and he probably won't do it again, but just in case, practice a few quick put downs in front of the mirror. Then put it out of your mind and enjoy your family Christmas.

Well you're not going to enjoy that version of Christmas, are you? So make an alternative for yourself. What would you choose to do if you could do anything?

Or I would go just so I could say this 🤣🤣🤣

I mean, he didn’t apologise really. An apology “via someone else” isn’t really a true one.

Your mother can invite whoever she wants to her house.

If you want to avoid this man, and I don’t blame you, then you don’t go to mums for Christmas.

OP l wouldn’t even consider being there on Christmas Day and breathing the same air as the two people who have clearly had a good gossip behind your back, and frankly you should pissed at DM for not even checking with you before inviting him.

I’m shocked at the replies you’ve had from some posters who seem more than willing to tolerate and even excuse this kind of behaviour from men. This wasn’t some daft comment borne of awkwardness and alcohol. It was deliberate. Designed both to let you know that you’d been talked about, and to test your boundaries.

I wouldn’t ask your DM to disinvite him, or to choose in any way. I would simply tell her you won’t be attending because it seems that your own family think it’s fine to gossip about something that’s actually none of their business, and expect you to laugh off his insulting behaviour.

It was a vile, sexualised comment and he knew exactly what he was doing. And now your family are minimising what happened for their own comfort. That’s unacceptable and they need to know it.

That’s really vile. 🤢

However, I’d be thinking about what if she stays with him/gets married/has kids?

If he’s in your family long term what you do NOW matters.

I’m old and properly give no fucks about who I want in my life and just wouldn’t care about going to family at Christmas. However you’re young with young children so that might REALLY matter to you long term.

Your mum has already picked her side and you could lose out here if she stays with him long term.

Agree with this.

Plus Christmas is still a long way off and he may not be in the picture at that point. If your cousin has to send other people her apologies for his behaviour then she will probably bin him off by then.

Holy heck, that’s an outrageous comment to make to someone you’ve just met! 😱 I think your mum wants you and your cousin there, but she thinks she and her dp come as a package. You shouldn’t have to keep the peace, so one comment out of place and you would be absolutely bang on to bollock his idiotic arse.

Well he sounds grim but I’d also be questioning your cousin here, someone told him you “get around” after all… It’s awkward because this might become a long term thing, imagine they get married one day so he could be at family parties from here on. He did apologise, I’d maybe give it another chance but avoid him where possible.

You think a man making a comment like that to a woman he’s only just met is ‘mildly offensive’ ? He alluded to blow jobs and told OP she clearly knew her way around a cock, insinuating that she sleeps around, and you think that’s acceptable ? Wow.

And he didn’t apologise. He sent some half arsed excuse about being drunk via OP’s cousin - who has some apologising to do herself since she clearly gave him the ammunition to fire. OP’s family are minimising this so they can all have a lovely time together at Christmas. That’s the most hurtful part, and it’s for that reason OP would be perfectly justified in staying away.

If this is going to be a long term relationship then you might have to meet this hideous person again. So go ( if you want to), but just avoid/ don't speak to him if possible. Play it by ear. Hopefully the cousin might dump him.

His humours poor and very misplaced.
I wonder if he felt mortified afterwards.
I’d go to Xmas (after all it’s your family) and rethink it if he behaves badly again. You don’t have to like him.

Nope, unforgivable.

He's a misogynistic sexist twat and shouldn't be welcome at Christmas dinner.

A stupid innuendo is one thing but that? Idiot. Your cousin and her mum and your mum are massively downplaying this. Find a friend to have Christmas with. Or volunteer somewhere doing some good in the world rather than encouraging that twattish behaviour. Him or me is a realistic request in this case op. Sorry your mum has put you in this position

I completely agree that what he said was unacceptable.

I don't agree that he should now have power over whether or not you go to your own family's Christmas.

Hold firm, OP – this is your family, your dignity, and your home turf.

I certainly wouldn't be considering a Christmas alone at home because some knuckledragger let his inside thoughts outside months before.

Go to your family Christmas, and if he shows up with your cousin, find a moment, preferably within clear earshot of your DM, to tell him very, very calmly:

"I understand there's nothing I can do about you being here today, but I'm going to make it clear now, so you're fully informed – if you make any kind of inappropriate comments, to or about me, I will make the situation very unpleasant for you."

Then get on with your day and thoroughly enjoy yourself.

@LaurieFairyCake
Your mum has already picked her side and you could lose out here if she stays with him long term.

What is she "losing out" on exactly ?
An association with a mother who thinks it's OK for her daughter to be slagged off at the dinner table?
That's no loss.

I feel sorry for your cousin. Have you told her exactly what he said to you? I am amazed that she still wants to be with this repulsive man after knowing what he did.

At least you know that he is not worth your time. Ignore him when he is around. These kind of men need to get the message one way or another that this behaviour is not acceptable.