Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

I'm thinking:

"I make a choice to go on dates with whomever I want to. Apparently, you were just born a rude twat."

"Are you jealous?"

"I'm sorry you are not sexually satisfied but unfortunately I'm not interested in helping you with that."

"Yes, I have had a few dates, but I still wouldn't go on one with you."

Make sure you say these loudly where other people can hear if he even tries any similar comments.

I agree with others
Tell your mum you’re not going if he’s going to be there.
He’s despicable. And being drunk is NOT an excuse. If he hadn’t heard something about you from someone it wouldn’t occur to him to say that. And if he had heard something about you he’s still a despicable pig.
Do you like your cousin? What’s wrong with her? She must be desperate.

I think that was an appalling thing to say and can't believe people are taking it so lightly. No way would my husband or son say something like that, mentioning cocks in that way, to a woman.

He sounds a real chav, I'm surprised your cousin is involved with someone like that, or that your mum condones it.

However, if you really want to spend Christmas with your mother, try to relax. I doubt - and hope - he will not dare say anything like that again. If he does, drink or no drink, you know what to do, tell him straight and then go. I hope you have a car and don't live too far away, if not have sufficient taxi fare. If you a very long way from home, kick him out.

I feel it won't come to that, he knows he did wrong and will try to be on best behaviour.

The alternative is you could stay home alone and that is not all bad at all. Many people dream of having a peaceful day and evening to themselves, getting up when they want, eating nice things that they choose and the telly. It doesn't last long, soon over.

The apology should have drawn a line under it frankly. Suck it up to be gracious to your other relatives. But if he does it again that's a red line (I doubt he will)

I'm amazed at the downplaying of what the BF said. There's a calculated specificity about it. In particular, and I'll spell it out, he puts the image in her mind of a cock in her mouth, and therefore a blowjob. Then follows up with another sleazy assertion about her sex life.

He has not apologised. The OP has been told he has, which is not the same thing at all.

I don't think hosts should ever be told to make a choice between guests, just say you're not going because of X and let her make her own mind up.

I'm in my 60's now, so I'm used to pratty men making unwanted, stupid, sexist remarks. Maybe he's poorly educated, or nerves got the better of him and he thought he was being funny.
I spent many years working with men and many years involved in male dominated football. If I had a £1 for every stupid/sexist comment I'd be a rich lady. Equally, if I refused to go anywhere, or be in the company of men like this I'd never have done anything.
I always found the best way of dealing with it is to not "clutch my pearls" and react so much. I just treat them as the uneducated oafs that they are and give them a witty/withering reply to shut them down. Far more satisfying than refusing to be in the same room as them.

I’d be telling my mum that I was incredibly disappointed in her.

I’d have a lovely day on my own rather than “draw a line under it”. Fuck that.

Nah. I wouldn’t be letting a little man like this stop me from enjoying my own family at Christmas. I’d be there, shooting him down and showing him up allllll day long. If your mum doesn’t like it, you can tell her that she was the one who invited him into her house, does she really expect you to say nothing if/when he’s being insulting, drunk or not?

When you're nervous meeting your girlfriend's family for the first time, you make jokes implying one of them has a lot of sexual partners? Really?
Are you the actual boyfriend?

Why should the OP have her Christmas Day ruined by having to behave like that?

The best advice. I'm also shocked at OP's mother's attitude.

I often think people are being ridiculous but not this time. First of all, what he did. And people here are apologising for it? If YOU had felt comfortable afterwards, genuinely efforts were made on their part and YOU were ok with it, maybe. Not even giving you an opportunity by telling you before inviting him was disrespectful. And that is the second and most upsetting part. He has not only been sexually abusive and I would find those comments threatening as they insinuate you 'give it away' and belong in 1972, there is going to be a rift which is hard to forgive. Your mum is making you feel like she is choosing them over you and that stings. Shes probably just being selfish and doesn't really understand the magnitude but it is horrible and hurtful and not ok. Ignore the cool girls, your hurt and probably anger is human, justified and the couple are to blame, not you. ❤️

And you can come to us for Christmas 😊

I would give him one more chance.

I am absolutely gobsmacked by (what I presume are) predominately women making excuses for this slimeball. His comments are unacceptable, insulting and constitute sexual harassment. His ‘apology’ was blaming 2/3 beers and if it had an impact - which I doubt - ever hear the saying in vino veritas? I’m amazed that your mother has decided to pander to a stranger rather than back her daughter, and I think I would tell her that. The level of sexual harassment and sexual crime in society comes down to the prevailing attitude that women (and children) are not worthy of respect. Maybe - just maybe - an unqualified and direct apology may mitigate the situation. I think it shows his colours and the use of ‘slut shaming’ to denigrate you as a woman.
The former (male) chief of the Australian army made a speech about sexual misconduct which included “the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.” Think about it, all of us.

I would feel i have every right to go or not or have every right to how i feel about this if thos was me

But I seem to feel i have to say this a lot on here i do not have the right to dictate how others feel or act

Wonen constantly complain about men being controlling this is no different

If I didn't want to go i wouldn't but a host has every right to invite who they want

This.

What a creepy scum bag. I’d also be very wary of your cousin from now on. You’ve clearly been discussed before they saw you.

If it were me, I’d say absolutely nothing for now simply because I wouldn’t want to have the next few months with this being brought up again and again by your Mum. I’d then politely but firmly decline and state that you will have your Christmas with her when your children are back from their Dad’s house.

Spend the day as you wish - a spa day, a city break abroad or a day watching films and eating treat food.

No way would I be near that pair of idiots. This wasn’t the drink talking - this is who he is.

Spot on.

Wow, disgusting. No I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with him and would rather have Christmas dinner for 1 tbh.

Your mum is the problem here. She is prioritising being courteous to a stranger and your cousin's feelings over her daughter's comfort and wellbeing. It's awkward but she should rescind the invitation, now while Christmas is still far away. I would not sacrifice my own Christmas with family just so that this man is spared discomfort. Your mum should not have invited him she needs to find a solution that works for you.

Gross. I can't imagine a guy saying this to any female he fancies. It was designed to sting. The fact he knows this much about you makes me think your cousin isn't as nice to you behind your back.
Have you actually told your mother exactly what he said? That's a bit more than the usual creepy banter.
Personally I would rather prepare for a "me" Christmas than be with them. Buy some lux food. Have a home spa and choose a good book or box set a series. One good thing about Christmas is you can guarantee a lone day, as everyone is busy.

I would also show your cousin the responses you are getting on here. She really needs to wake up before she loses her female friends. Then when she is appropriately isolated the mysoginist behaviour is aimed at her.

I think it’s quite obvious that your cousin has been badmouthing you to her new boyfriend and insinuating that you’re a slag. Her boyfriend was probably trying to impress her with some private joke at your expense, which would explain why your cousin was the one apologising afterwards and is now trying to downplay what happened.

If I were you, I’d stay away from both of them. I’d honestly rather spend Christmas on my own than share it with a misogynist, a cousin who clearly talks about me behind my back, and an enabler.

.

That is utterly vile. Did other people hear this? You were absolutely right to raise it and expect an apology, my personal path would be to be in his company again and see if he is repentant and respectful and if so tolerate him for the sake of family harmony, he sounds awful but if he backs off after warning he's not really your problem to sort so id just stay as clear from him as possible ( if I was your cousin and actually in a relationship with him I'd have swiftly dumped him), but if he behaved similarly or with attitude or any signs of malice etc towards me on second chance then id refuse to be in his company again. It's a shame that the day of reckoning is Christmas day though, could you engineer to see them sooner and see if he's learned his lesson and leaves you in peace.