Upset by cousins boyfriend being invited to Christmas Day by my Mum

[Christmasinvite]

Firstly, apologies for the early C word.

I will try to keep this as concise as possible so not to ramble - looking for views on whether my Mum had been unreasonable here.

I am close to my aunt (DM’s sister) - she has one daughter (my cousin) who is similar in age to me. We spend most Christmas Day’s together - DM is hosting this year.

In June, my DA hosted a family get together/BBQ. I was meeting my cousins boyfriend for the first time. Whilst alone with him, he made two sexualised comments to me which were extremely offensive (basically insinuating I ‘get around’). He apologised the next day via my cousin, blaming alcohol (he’d had no more than 2/3 beers at that point).

I am upset to have been told by DM today that my cousin and her partner have been invited to spend Christmas Day with us. She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it. I have no wish to see that man again, especially at Christmas where he will no doubt be drinking again.

I feel like DM has taken the easy way out as she wants to avoid conflict. But I feel let down by her.

He didn't apologise directly to the OP, that would annoy me so I'd make other plans for Christmas. He sounds awful, and it would make me judge my cousin for excusing his behaviour too.

If someone had said that to me he would have got a glass of something over his head or a slapped face. You did well to keep your cool. He's a vile piece of shit.

Good point. OP, when someone makes comments like this, turn it back on them to make them realise how stupid they sound, "Why do you want to know? You're with Amy, so why is my sex life of interest to you?"

The problem will be if your cousin marries her boyfriend - how likely will that be ?
i know he is a new boyfriend but it may be serious.

If you don't go at Christmas and they do get married one day, you will be choosing through necessity not to attend future family events - including her wedding / seeing future 2nd cousins etc.

I would go, and in advance practice my very loud clear voice - ready to call him out publicly anything he says / does that is inappropriate.

She’s aware what happened, but says the apology should have drawn a line under it.

Nope, what he said should have "drawn a line under it", with the line being that he is not invited for a family Christmas. Perhaps he would not have said it sober, and perhaps he realised afterwards that it landed badly and did some deft back-pedalling, but what kind of person is even THINKING this bullshit in the first place? If your mother somehow thinks that there might have been extenuating circumstances, she should at the very least have asked you if there was any way you could accept his being there. What she has done instead is basically disinvite you.

I think you've two choices,you go,its your mum's house and you be very cheery to everyone else and literally just ignore him if he or your cousin says anything say I don't usually socialise with People like him. Or I'm waiting on him to apologise.

2nd choice is you tell your mum you don't want to be in the same room as him and that it's up to her. And you book yourself somewhere nice or veg out at home and have another Christmas when your kids are home

He didn’t apologise unreservedly, he blamed the drink. And he didn’t apologise to her. This was him meeting family for the first time and he felt comfortable enough to make an awful comment and doubled down when challenged. I’d not want to be sitting on tenterhooks at Christmas waiting for the next time. If it were my daughter he’d not be crossing my threshold. The shit women are expected to put up with is quite something.

Did he apologise unreservedly though? Because it sounds like he sent a message through the cousin along the lines of "i know what i did was wrong the naughty drink made me do it'

Yuck, what a grim thing to say, drunk/nervous or not. I’d go but avoid being alone with him and just be civil. I’d tell your mum that you feel uncomfortable being around him
and if there’s a repeat of that behaviour, you’re out of there.

Who knows if he even apologised at all or did the cousin just say he had to try and smooth things over?

Why is your mother allowing this oaf in her house? If he'd spoken to my daughter like that and she was upset (as she should be), he'd not darken my door again. Ever.

Ugh

Gross
YANBU

Hmmm I get why you are upset but I would be more upset with DM than with him as it is quite minor, but as DM knew your feelings she should have discussed it with you first. I would have DM message cousin and ask her to say he's very welcome as long as he doesn't make any more rude comments; at the first sign of that he will be out the door. If DM won't then maybe you can speak to cousin about it and say you're willing to let it go as long as he avoids making any more inappropriate or rude comments - you are still feeling upset by it now.

Also just to say often the reason comments like that stick with us is because we feel there is an element of truth in it which makes it more painful. Do you feel ashamed deep down about your history? Do you feel like other friends or family have shamed you about it, and that is making you sensitive? If not then kindly I think you are being overly sensitive by still being upset. The guy is obviously a bit of a twat but his stupid comments are just him showing who he is, it has nothing to do with you or who you are, so just work on trying to believe that. You will feel less upset. Some people are just idiots, roll your eyes and move on.

Also just to say often the reason comments like that stick with us is because we feel there is an element of truth in it which makes it more painful. Do you feel ashamed deep down about your history? Do you feel like other friends or family have shamed you about it

There’s something in the Mumsnet water tonight.

@Christmasinvite You’ve got lots of time to have a think if there’s anything else you want to do. Work out how long your children are away for - a few hours? Few days? Would you like to go away? Or do something nice at home?

There is a Christmas section here, you might get some good ideas if you post there.

It’s time for an absolutely lovely Christmas away in a hotel doing things you never have before, then.

What he said was disgusting . I do not see how your own mother could invite him over on Christmas Day when she knows how you feel about that. Don’t go .

I agree

So if OP took the advice to "Give him a second chance" how would it actually work in practice if she did that?

That remark he made to the OP was a deliberate one, designed to shock and embarrass the OP and test her boundaries. That takes practice and I wouldn't be surprised if he's done this before. He knows OP didn't want to cause a scene so he knows he got away with it.

He now knows the whole family have supported his attending and that the OP is under pressure to forgive and forget .
So he knows straight away that OP won't get much support if she complains again.

How is OP supposed to relax with that moron around. He's already proved he's sly, he won't even need to say anything this time, just gloat, maybe a few put downs. Imagine trying to eat your Christmas dinner at the table watched by someone who has already made sexual remarks about how you eat. If you decided to leave you'd be "storming out" and how easy would it be to travel home on Christmas Day? You'd probably have to apologise to your relatives for leaving "like that."

I did see a pp further up the thread saying that he could end up marrying the cousin and so it wouldn't be one but many occasions where they might have to meet. And they had a point. But I think if OP tolerates this now, it will become normalised, with other family members thinking she's causing a fuss about nothing and they find him charming.

OP, your mum and your cousin are doing the whole thing of "shut up, don't cause a fuss, keep the peace, just ignore it, all we want is a quiet life and a nice time a Christmas"and so on that allows people like him to get away with behaving like this.. He's a creep, on a little power trip and he might get bolder.
I think you are quite within your rights to say to your mum it's me or him and mean it. If it was my daughter I wouldn't be inviting him to anything.

This

Why did your mum invite him? Does your cousin live with him?
I don't know if I'd stay home/ do something else or go and ignore him.
I know I wouldn't invite a pig like that guy. And your cousin has low standards to be with him still. He didn’t apologize if it was through his gf.

Message your mum and cousin saying if <name> has any disgusting comments to me at Christmas I will repeat them very loudly and slowly several times so everyone there remembers months later what he said and what kind of person he is.

He sounds like an unfunny, crass twat.

I agree that cousin has likely said something about you to lead him to have opinions of you.

I think I'd be putting the feelers out around single friends to see who's up for a fabulous, girlie Xmas - I'm talking pigs in blankets in your PJs and enough fizz to sink an elephant alongside an Xmas movie marathon.

A break from the usual family affair could be fun, OP.

Just have a few quick quips up your sleeve to put him down if he pipes up again at Christmas. Don't let him come between you and your family. He needs to be put in his place.

His comment sounds like something we would say within our friendship group (all couples married for many years btw) but we do have quite an innuendo based sense of humour and, the difference is, we know each other well.

Excellent post.

The apologists for this kind of male behaviour are as baffling as ever. I experienced something like this a few years ago and refused to be around the person since.

I have no problem with prioritising my own boundaries over a sleazy misogynist's idea of a 'joke.' Benefit of the doubt, my eye.

She said in her post that her cousin knows