At what point does this sort of ‘low effort’ message from a partner become acceptable in a relationship?

[Priylea]

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

Why should she "get over herself" ?

Those are her standards. If she doesn't like a guy taking to her like a smutty schoolboy, that's her choice.

Repeatedly on this site we see posts from women who complain about their useless idle bf/DP/DH's attitude and the way they get spoken to.
That's on them.

They need to raise the bar and shut that shit down as soon as it starts. The time is when they are first dating and not when they are living with a guy and have 3 kids and feel they can't leave.

No, because she has standards and wants to be treated like a lady. What's wrong with that?

My DH and I have this sort of shorthand. But we have been married for 13 years and were together for 7 years before that, there’s a whole lotta history there. I would find that hilarious because that’s who we are as a couple.
You don’t have that history or that level of shorthand by the sounds of it, so I would say this is icky and LTB.

No need to get snippy.
People are entitled to set the bar where they want.

he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy
That's the part you need to focus on. A decent man would have apologised, he didn't and dismissed your feelings as worthless.

The thing is it's not automatically disrespectful or a problem. Context, tone, relationship and sense of humour is everything.

A "romantic" man who dances with you on the beach in Bali could have been shagging his secretary for the last ten years.

If my DH (of 22 years) texted me "Curry and a shag?" I'd text back something like "Get your coat, you've copped." It doesn't mean there's a fundamental lack of respect between us.

If she doesn't like that sort of chat then that's fine, but I wouldn't take the text itself as grim or weird.

@DeftGoldHedgehog A "romantic" man who dances with you on the beach in Bali could have been shagging his secretary for the last ten years.

And what has that got to do with anything ?🤔
I don't get your point.

You seem to have lost your own thread. It refers to the post you quoted in your original reply to me.

This with big brass bells on ^

What he's doing OP is invalidation and it's a form of verbal abuse.

????

I only see this as laddish behaviour if that's the only kind of texts he sends. I could see many different types of people sending such a text. Personally I'd find it more off putting to be told off for it in the way you did. I get his response was defensive which isn't the best but maybe it just means you're not suited.

Do you make an effort with him?

In my 23 year marriage that type of message is amusing

If new relationship then I would question if it was humour or if that was how he thought of the relationship

Even in my marriage if that message was typical rather than an occasional bit of fun or rushed message because busy it would be an issue. Sometimes a girl just wants a little romance and that is the opposite of romance

Would the classier version of Fettuccine and fellatio be acceptable?

Absolutely feel the same way. Dh could say fancy a shag? - there’s humour, playfulness, cheekiness but in 26 years there’s no disrespect.

Outrageous behavior. Shag and then a curry is the only correct order. Other than that you sound like a prickly pear.

Depends on whether you fancy a curry and a shag ;-)

I'd have laughed and probably said okay. But it doesn't really matter what I think or what anyone else on here thinks. It only matters what you think.
Although I don't see a future for your relationship if he says he's joking and you don't believe him because if you aren't trusting he's telling you the truth then how can you have a relationship.

What a prince not?
Yanbu
Definitely does not have a way with words does he?

There's a big difference between a relationship of 26 years and one of 3 months.

3 months in it should be all hearts & flowers, dating and getting to know one another.
Many nascent relationships fail at that stage and, sadly, this looks like one of them.

I think it depends on your age and how intense it's been so far (have you been with each other every weekend for 3 months?). 3 months in early 20s, I think it would be ok. 3 months in early 30s, not ok. 3 months in at 53, when you've been married or had a few long term relationships and this quite chilled plus you have the same sense of humour, probably OK again!

It's just dependent on the people.

3 months in DH and I were relaxed enough to just be saying to each other "let's stay in and shag", but that's not everyone.

Wouldn't see that as a problem at all, although we are very laid back with a lot of joking and banter.

For someone I'd been dating a couple weeks I wouldn't like it though

Tonight's date has just asked me about this evening.

His text was, "curry?"

Because of this thread, I laughed. (I also said yes.)

I know all this. My opinion is my opinion. Wonderful isn’t it. You do you.

It really depends - in the first three months it would most definitely have been something that was said more than now. We have a very honest relationship. Dh makes me laugh all the time, we enjoyed having sex a lot at 3 months. I was brought up catholic and the whole he won't respect you stuff surrounding sex left me a screwed up. There are men who won't respect you - imo their heads are wired wrong.

I married one who is quite straightforward in that respect - he loves and respects me - I don't need or want flowers or gifts to feel loved. I have felt loved every day since I met him.

In fact I am way more creeped out by men who plan an overly romantic evening to get you into bed - I've had that once and it give me the complete ick, I did not feel flattered and romantic, I felt played and the guy got dumped.