At what point does this sort of ‘low effort’ message from a partner become acceptable in a relationship?

[Priylea]

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

3 years in I'd find it funny, 3 months not so much...where's the effort, the romance?

⬆️ Says it all really 😊

I would find it funny. And quite nice that the relationship was getting more relaxed.

But it sounds like you and he have incompatible senses of humour.

Cool it a bit, Teamrabbit.

I've no doubt he meant no harm but, still, it is not respectful and your relationship is fairly new.

Be less available - or take the curry and go.

I think for me it's more the offhand assumption of sex at the end of the date that would turn me off really. I don't care much for the low date effort after 3 months either. It's too easy isn't it, stay at each other's houses sex on tap, TV, bed, more sex..not inspiring or exciting and back in the day I was always up for hot sex at every opportunity.

This. But also gross

I’d laugh 😂

curry and a shag sounds like a good night to me. I’d be delighted.

There's nothing wrong, per se, with him sending a message like this to someone he is in a relationship with and already having sex with. It's just both people in the relationship have to be comfortable with being upfront about the fact they have sex and revealing quite obviously the fact they want to have sex with each other. And it's perfectly ok not to want this and to want to have the indicators of wanting sex to be something physical and not planned. (Plus everything Inbetween.)

He clearly felt it was OK, but quite obviously doesn't know you well enough OP to have realised you wouldn't like it. Also no problem with that - early in the relationship and still learning things about each other.

However, his reaction on discovering he got it wrong isn't great. He should have apologised he got you wrong, but instead he blamned ihis bruised ego on your reaction.

Ultimately, @Priylea want you need to understand is you don't have to like the text or want this to be how you and him discuss sex. If he does, he doesn't need to completly change and you also don't have to change and accept it. If you can't find a happy medium this isn't the relationship for you.

This!

Keep your relationship bar high. The fact you're seeing a decline in how he treats you is very telling. It will only get worse! You may get him to concede on this one but he'll revert to type again.

Well if you were going to have a curry and a shag I don't see the problem. I often say to my bloke "sex and a meal tomorrow night?"

What it suggests to me is that you don't yet know each other very well.

Possibly you are not well suited.
I would be happy with the text and the arrangements.

I would find it funny. My boyfriend mentioned going out for a curry tonight yesterday so I just text him curry and a shag!

I'd laugh, too. But some guys would send a message like that and then make it special - others, that would be reflecting the level of effort they're expecting for the whole evening. Only you can know which he is, and if you don't appreciate messages like that, you need to tell him so, because as this thread shows, some people would laugh, others would be unimpressed.

It would turn me off, personally, but I could get over it if he'd been great up to that point and didn't try to blame me for not liking it by accusing me of being touchy. Or by pretending it was a joke.

What would you have preferred him to have said?

I’d not think it was respectful and it would then make me ask him what he seen you both as. Was it just casual weekend fun or are you actually the real deal?
do you go out on dates?
have you met his friends and family?

Ideal Friday night

"Do you fancy a night in with a curry?"

What he says was crude, crass, and to my mind makes him sound uneducated because it's so uncouth.

I don't accept low effort in any way in my relationships. Low effort = they think lowly of you. And I don't give people who think lowly of me my time.

Also, it's really unattractive when a man is like this. And, who the hell would want to have sex after eating a curry? Worst food to have before intimacy.

Depends on your sense of humour? DH and I thrive on humour so I’d find it funny but if don’t like it that’s fine and he’s probably not the man for you.

The answer to your question OP is "it doesn't".
People treat us how we allow them to.
I would tell him to shape up or ship out.

I don't like curry.