At what point does this sort of ‘low effort’ message from a partner become acceptable in a relationship?

[Priylea]

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

Wind this one down. If him accurately describing your typical evening together is uncomfortable, it's not the right relationship for you.

Alack fair maiden, let us dine on a repast of prawn bhuna, vegetable samosa and garlic naan before tumbling into each other’s arms and indulging in a night of unrestrained passion and flatulence.

Is that a bit more on your level, Princess?

It’s only okay if it’s typical of your usual banter together. Otherwise, it’s clumsy and crass.

I’d definitely find it crass. And feel cheapened. I’ve had men basically use me before, and put very little effort in after the initial period, and it’s not a nice feeling at all. DP doesn’t like that sort of language either, so we’re a good match…he still successfully makes it clear he’d enjoy us having an early night, but in much nicer ways and we’ve been together eons.

If my husband didn’t think of sex with me as a precious gift I wouldn’t sleep with him!

Maybe I am a princess with a romcom life but I can’t stand laddish behaviour like that, it’s gross to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t like/talk/joke about sex, just in a slightly more ‘tasteful’ way, same for DH.

It’s perfectly okay to not want to date a man, or woman, that acts like that.

Yuck. But my ex was a sex pest so sexually related jokes or innuendo makes me cringe.

On balance I think I’d rather get the shag out of the way then tuck into the curry

I’d prefer a shag THEN a curry tbh.

Lamb bhuna and garlic naan bouncing about in my belly isn’t sexy.

Op i think what he said is fine but you don’t - why are you asking us to agree with you? It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, I don’t think it standards I think it style and it’s not yours, fair enough.

Maybe your idea of humour is on a different level to his.

Your not gf and bf your friends with benefits so perfect language lol

You're quite right to object. Insist on the shag first, so you don't get heartburn.

Fair enough, if you see sex as something you give to others as a gift then good for you. It's interesting to hear others' take on it.

When I have sex it's because I feel like it.

Also totally fair enough.

It’s not like I don’t feel like it, I would just feel like it a lot less if it wasn’t appreciated like a mystical gift. I feel lucky that after so long sex is still ‘romantic’ and not routine or casual (It’s also fine to prefer it to be casual or routine though, it’s just not for me).

Are you both having the raw onions though?

I completely agree with this.

What he's said is fine. I'd appreciate the simplicity.

You have found it hard to hear. You are not the right one for him.

Never. I would never, absolutely never, eve accept this or think it was even vaguely amusing. My fanny would dry up like the Sahara, forever.

Some women appear to enjoy crude, we're all ladz ere innit behaviour. You don't. He won't improve.

So that's that.

God me neither….the indigestion would be fit to kill me 😉

I think the main red flag isn't that he sent the first message, it's that when you told him how it made you feel, he dismissed your feelings and said you were too sensitive.

I‘d love a curry and a shag. You sound a bit like you’ve had a humour bypass.

I would be asking how good is the curry and how good is the shag. If the curry is more appealing than the shag then he isn’t the one for you. You can go to The Bengal Balti anytime.

We don't know what you're used to, as in how formal/ informal/ jokey/ serious the conversation tends to be. If things have been formal you might find it shocking, if you're used to plain speaking it could be ok.. Hard to say.

No. She doesn't.

You sound like you've had a humour bypass.

Or, actually, everyone is absolutely and totally entitled to not find crude humour funny, or to find crude humour and dialogue funny/acceptable.

She doesn't. You do. Both are perfectly valid responses. Your response is not superior or more acceptable to OPs or my own.

Yep. His comment was gross and piggish. That's my opinion and it's a perfectly valid one. But anyone can be forgiven for a gross or piggish comment from time to time.

Refusing to allow her to have an opinion about his gross piggishness is the real problem.

He won't improve and she definitely shouldn't have to limbo dance under the very low standards bar to tolerate his gross piggishness.

Bin.

If i knew the person well enough to know how ot was intended I would have replied 'keep on dreaming' or 'you wish' or some such smart remark

I dont over analyse every comment I just go with how I am feeling at the time, I may be female but on that instance I might have wanted one myself

So it depends overall how things are