At what point does this sort of ‘low effort’ message from a partner become acceptable in a relationship?

[Priylea]

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

On here - LTB!
In the real world - it’s funny just laugh along. What kind of language offended you? Shag is pretty tame!

I’m thinking if you’re asking, then you don’t find it acceptable. That’s all that matters, not what anyone else thinks.

I think this is his attempt at a joke and you clearly didn’t find it funny. He was embarrassed so labelled you touchy in defence.
I would find you touchy too, it is obviously meant in jest. I wouldn’t have been upset by this or worried remotely about the language.
Perhaps put this one back if you’re not on the same page….

I agree with him, I'd think she is too sensitive - it should be game over at that point for both of them - neither were left feeling like they are on the same page. Keep looking OP this one is not for you.

I mean, at 3 months in me and DP would often spend an evening in with a takeaway and sex would definitely be had. That would usually be on a Sunday though after we'd been out on a Saturday night.

I still would've felt gross if he'd text me this, I'm trying to work out why and I think it's mainly just the word shag 😂 always feels so juvenile to me, like something a teenage boy would say.

Either way if you're getting the ick 3 months in move along

It would be unacceptable to me after 35 years.

I mean, it could be a perfectly acceptable evening, but if sex was taken for granted it would put me off. What if I'm not in the mood when I get there?

Sex has always been an 'if the moment is right and we both feel like it at the time' thing for us, not scheduled in advance.

I know people who’d laugh/ enjoy this, I think perhaps ye aren’t suited

Stay wary, move on.

One of the more romantic moments of my life was dancing on a beach in Bali with my husband at twilight with a band playing in the background. I don't think I'd have been too impressed if he'd suddenly whispered in my ear those magic words, "Curry and a shag?". In fact, in over thirty years my husband has never said those sorts of words to me. I wouldn't like this after a few months and I can't really imagine when I would like it either. It's not being a prude - it's just being treated with a little dignity.

It's been a while since I've had a good curry.

Definitely shag first, though. You don't want indigestion.

I have to say, I did laugh when I read his message. I mean, it’s not comedy gold but it’s clearly just a light-hearted attempt at “banter” with someone he feels comfortable with.

That said, if it’s not for you, just end it.

Oh get over yourself.
Dignity my absolute arse.

This.

It’s either your type of humour or not it’s not wrong to not be amused

I have had similar messages, we get each others humour and I’ve replied oh god if I have to again

but not everyone would find that amusing and sharing a similar sense of humour in a relationship is important I think you are now in the stage of getting to know each other rather than everything about them is charming to you as it is in the beginning of a relationship

slippery slop here, allow this and next week it will be a burrito and a blow job.

Yup, that doesn't bode well.
Expect more boundary busting and disregard of your feelings coming your way.

I think it depends on how you feel about it.
Did it make you smirk or did you get the cringe?
If you thought it was ok then its ok
If it made you cringe and as you say he has not put his self out much lately, ( which is in my view not good.), I would say " thanks about the curry but Im not just a shag even if you have tried to make a joke out of it".
Then if its still on to see each other, then go but dont have sex and see where that takes you. You dont have to sleep with him. Just because he wants it.
Also you are worth more than a curry.
Unless this is mating these days, as im 71 and very out of touch.

It’s less about how long before such a message becomes acceptable, but more about your boyfriend or partner knowing you well enough to understand whether such a message would be appreciated.

I’ve been married to DH for 30 years. I do not like the word shag and he knows it and so in our case 30 years would not be long enough for that message!

It depends on the tone of the relationship. It wouldn't have bothered me at all. Our relationship was never hearts and flowers it was borrowing dogs and piggybacks across rivers.

This.

I think it was probably a misjudged joke unless you feel that sort of thing is reflective of his character? Like he thought it would be funny but didn't reflect it might be a bit soon for that kind of humour about your relationship?

20 years into marriage that’s pretty much our date night message…I’ll apologise to DH for being inelegant and rude…

if you don’t like it OP then maybe he’s not the man for you.

Have you found The Burned Haystack Method OP? Have a look at the fb page.
You can dump him for whatever reason you like, you are under no obligation.
This is the kind of message I would have sent (or said pre mobiles) to a few of my ex’s. It was definitely low effort but also made sure things were kept casual and kept rubbish relationships going for longer than they should’ve.

How does he normally speak to you/behave around you?

If you feel like he's already on a downward trend then I can see why you'd be bothered.

But if he's otherwise been great then I'd take it as the joke he said it was.

Also sorry to add but that message sounds more like FWBs more than a proper relationship.