At what point does this sort of ‘low effort’ message from a partner become acceptable in a relationship?

[Priylea]

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

Would give me the ick, what is it with majority of men that can't have a decent conversation without talking about sex..

I remember that book Women are from Venus Men are from Mars - didn't they talk about how some couples couldn't talk about sex they'd have ways to let each other that they were in the mood - like leaving their slippers in a certain place or laying out sexy underwear? I suppose some people find it really hard to speak the words and as a consequence some have jokey terms for sex, some people feel sexy using words they don't use normally and leading up to the event. This is not about disrespecting someone it's just the unspoken and spoken language we use about sex. He used humour, got it wrong and got told off and I think that will put a dampener on things - it's a sensitive topic - emotions matter - the op could have said gently that she preferred calling it doing the deed or whatever term she prefers, I don't know but her response sounded pretty blunt but maybe he likes the dominated! Got any whips and handcuffs OP?

I have never met these men - plenty who couldn't converse but none that talked about sex with me. Now what does that say about me!🤔

It's not what you've said. That shit doesn't matter. Some would be fine with that and others wouldn't be

It's the fact he dismissed your feelings and said it was a joke I would pay attention to and keep an eye on it.

"we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc."
Always check with him that he sees it at way.

I immediately clamped shut down there reading that

What would you prefer? “Would you like to go for an Indian meal and perhaps engage in coitus” grow up 😂😂😂 this would be funny and I’d reply with “sounds mint, g’won then”

Is it a microwave curry, a posh meal out or is he making you a bespoke one with fresh ingredients whilst wearing only an apron ?

id be happy he suggested food !

All depends in your relationship but guess it’s early days. My exDh wouldn’t dream of sending a text like that, but he was uptight, serious and couldn’t see light in these things, in fact we never spoke about sex at all.

My current DP would text something similar but not until we knew each other’s humour. If he texted that today I’d probably reply with ‘id rather have an extra bhaji’

Nope, that's gross. That's expectation with zero effort on his part. That's insulting.

At only a 'few months' into a relationship, you should still be in the honeymoon phase and doing things you enjoy together e.g dates, walks, hobbies etc an enjoying your new 'bubble'.

He seems to think that he doesn't need to try at all anymore and doesn't even bother to even take you out at the weekend, never mind try to make you happy and your time together enjoyable ffs.

Chuck this one back, because if his 'effort' has already dropped to that low standard, can you imagine what it'll be in a years time??

''I'll come round to yours on Sat, but not till 3-4am, cos I'm going out with the lads, but I'll give you one when I get in...'' (And that's if he bothers to text you at all...)

It's the fact he dismissed your feelings and said it was a joke I would pay attention to and keep an eye on it.

This ^ 100%

DP and I have been like that since day 1 together. A lot of sexual banter by text. I like it but it’s not for everyone. Can certainly get each other wound up during the day before seeing each other in the evening.

Same 😂

My boyfriend, now husband once, and only once said 'fancy a bonk?' Funnily enough suddenly I wasnt in the mood!

"we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc."
Always check with him that he sees it at way.

I agree. OP, don't assume anything.

I worked with another female who met a guy via a dating app. He'd spent time at her house, had meals there, slept with her, met her kids, been on days out together (with/without the kids) they seemed to be getting on fine.

I was on the same site (unbeknown to her) and matched with a guy and I had one date with him.
I told her about it and I noticed that as I was speaking she started to go pale. She said "That's Fred" (Not his name) I said No !" She said "Yes!"

I said "Hang on he's been seeing you for months"
" Yes" she said and started crying. Apparently he told her at the very beginning "He didn't want a serious relationship".
That night I rang him and gave him such a roasting on the 'phone that his eyes must've watered. All he could say was "I told her I didn't want a serous relationship"
"We are just friends" he said "Oh I said, you f**k all your friends do you?" and added some more expletives.

OP you need to clarify exactly where you stand and what sort of a relationship he wants - if in fact he does want one at all.

Not the most romantic message from him..you should be at the loved up stage

I don’t actually know any grown man that calls it “a shag”
to me it’s a bit grim and especially as only 3 months in

I wonder if you and he are on the same wavelength regarding the nature of your relationship. You sound like your idea of dating involves learning about each others likes and dislikes, more considerate and romantic, whereas he sounds like he's leaning towards a friends with benefits arrangement.

As you have called him out on his uncouth message, and got a half hearted response, you need to look for other red flags in terms of compatibility.

I would find it funny!🤣

Completely agree

Ewww that’s gross 🤢 I would be swiftly dumping and moving on. Oof I feel nauseous.

What is it with these uncouth men just lately on MN threads?

One guy wants his wife to act like a porn star, another talks about oral sex at a BBQ, and now we have some lazy blighter making a suggestion about Indian food and a large seabird of the cormorant family known officially as "Gulosus aristotelis. 🤔