DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

[Writer034]

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

You tell your HX that DS is not going and if he's not happy he should get his lawyers involved. Please stand up for your DS.

I would ask your ex how he plans to ensure your son goes with him when he doesn’t want to? I am a worrier so i would be very concerned he might run away if put under extreme pressure.

At 12 and 14 my ds's dumped their df for a few years. Of his own doing. I supported their choice..
They got back in contact in time and in their terms.
More than the fucker deserved imo.

Just as a counterpoint, I was allowed to decide at 14 if I went on a family holiday. I wouldn’t have been allowed to stay home completely alone, I think, but I did stay once with a friend instead and once at home with my older sister at 13-14. And both times there wasn’t any particular reason I didn’t want to join the family holiday, just wasn’t feeling it and preferred to stay home and hang out with friends. If just one parent was going I would definitely have been allowed to say, even last minute, that I didn’t want to go any more and would stay home. Only way I can imagine that being an issue is if the holiday had been planned especially around something I had asked for and / or it was very expensive.

This - it's absolutely not the same as a family holiday.

My DD refused to go on hols with her dad (my ex) when she was 17. Although it wasn't booked at the time. I told her fine - but she needed to tell him. We do not have a good co-parenting relationship and it would be another thing he'd blame me for if I got involved.
She was 3yrs older, but I wouldn't force a 14yr old to go on a holiday he didn't want to go on. I'm not really sure how you'd force him? Manhandle him into the car?
In your situation, I would back your DS up. If your ex tries to blame you, just ignore it, or reiterate that it's DS's choice, as many times as needed.

Obviously he would be staying at (his other) home with his mum (me).

Text the ex op. Go get your ds.

It's deteriorated significantly since my ex DH moved his new partner and her child into the house, unfortunately.

In those circumstances I don't think he should be made to go.

It's just awful how people force their new dp and their kids on their own dc. Just keep separate properties, allow relationships with the new bf or gf to develop with various kids before forcing combined homes and holidays on them.

Can your son make his own way to your house so you don’t have to collect him?

also I never understand MAKING a child who is old enough to have independent thoughts and fend for themselves go ina holiday which is supposed to be a fun experience not some thing to be endured

your ex husband is still going to enjoy it even if he does miss his son a bit !

plus it may encourage your daughter to stick up for herself in the future too!

I think it is a family holiday. Yes Ex-DH new partner will also be there but surely will be diluted by GPs, DSis & her friend. How long is the trip?

Can you sit ex H and your DS down together and get DS to explain what the issue is?

I wouldn’t make him go on this holiday.

If he is at his dad's now, is dad not listening at all to him?
What does your DD/his sister have to say about the situation? Is she able to tell you exactly what is going on?

At 14 I believe he should be able to speak up for himself and you shouldn't need to intervene.
Would the grandparents listen if son spoke to them about it?

your Son wants to see his mates, that's the crux of the matter. he has been away nearly 3 weeks of the 4 weeks up to now and no 14 year old would now want to go in a caravan for another week when they can hang out with their mates.

Hmm. So when Dad has been taking him to exciting places like Miami and Florida he has been more than happy to go I assume. Now when, for understandable reasons, it's a caravan in Cornwall he's getting arsey about going. Doesn't sound good from your DS TBH.

I know they are at Dad's now, but if this comes back in to your court I think you should try to play up the positives to encourage your DS to go

What do you mean by forced though?

How would you force it if the child just sat on the sofa and refused to move?

Thats what people mean by forced. A 5 year old, you pick them up and plonk them in the car. You can do that for a few more years too

AT 14, how do you think you can force it?

There needs to be a conversation about how he's feeling in the blended family generally. You should have already broached this as you've been aware of it.

I also think you're bullshitting when you claim if your child didn't want to go on holiday you'd just accept it and go on your merry way without them.

Honestly I think for the most part children need to do as they're told instead of being the decision makers in the family. However, he's old enough to opt out of seeing his dad if he chooses.

very few 14 years old want to hang out with a 5 year old, his Dad's girlfriend, his sister and her mate.

How does he get on with his grandparents? Would he enjoy spending some time with them?

No,I wouldn't force him.Not a chance in hell. Even if a very expensive holiday abroad (even worse then,cos u can't exactly go and pick them up if needed).

Different circs for me,but my 14 can only just tolerate a lunch/dinner with XH. We've been divorced for 6 years,first 2 he would have them (DS1 and DS2) every Sat night.I won't lie that I enjoyed the breathing space,and a bit of a life of my own.

XH lost his temper over his car breaking down and it freaked DS1 out beyond belief(should add he is on the spectrum).He refused 2 stay ever since. He gets awfully panicky when asked to go with him at all,even now.

I'll encourage,but will never force him. XH doesn't give a fuck,he only suggests it begrudingly anyway.

I feel so sorry for him - he’s really a spare part; his dsis has her friend but do you think they’ll include him a bit?

OP have you had a look at the campsite with your ds to see what exactly there is to do for a lone teenage boy? Could you take him out for coffee and help him decide how tragically bad the whole week will be?

It’s an awkward age and few teens would want to spend a week with gran and grandad and a 5 yo. How mortifying.

Make sure he’s packed some stuff to keep him out of mischief - maybe a good frisbee and a football would be sensible things to take as might find someone to play with.

What is his dad planning to do for the week? If it’s going to the beach to play bucket and spade games with the 5 yo, can ds be signed up to a surf school or can he take a wakeboard and a wetsuit?

If they are just hanging out at the campsite all week, Maybe there is a communal area with a pool table and some video games and decent WiFi and your ds could sit there and do his own thing? Dad could give him £50 and let him buy snacks and play pool - he might make a friend.

Does he have a device he can watch Netflix or Prime or Disney+ on for example? Or even just download a few series on BBC Iplayer. I know my dd15 would be ok chilling out - yes it would be boring but I would absolutely not stop her if I had only organised things to please a 5 yo.

Is it close enough for you that you could offer the compromise of collecting him midweek if it’s really not enjoyable?

Your ex really is going to damage his relationship with your DS if he doesn’t learn to listen to what he’s actually saying about how he’s feeling, rather than just reacting to the outward words.

There then, if you, as his Mum, have considered all the possible repercussions (which your son may not have the maturity to extrapolate?) go get him.

It's interesting that your daughter, despite her Dad's haste in moving in his partner and child, is content enough to go.

Do you think it's purely because your son won't have a pal with him?

If it's definitely more than that and you see no way forward, in the relationship between his Dad and himself, whilst this particular partner is on the scene, then support your lad.

I would have a guess that the new wife and child weren't on the scene though when the OPs son was going on these holidays with his dad. From experience, the 'new family' massively changes the dynamics.