DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

[Writer034]

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

Has your son's relationship with his Dad, deteriorated significantly since the divorce @Writer034 and has always been reluctant to visit and spend time there?

If that is indeed the case, then go scoop him up and bring him home.

Otherwise, if you feel this will jeopardise their future relationship then it may be worth being firmer with your son (it is you who are giving your son an alternative opt-out, essentially)

If your ex is that keen to go on holiday with his children then he can bin off the gf and her kid for the holiday

The schools have been off for about 4 weeks. You've taken your kids away for 19 days. So nearly 3 weeks. Nearly 3 weeks away from friends.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go.

If you were still together and he didn't want to go away with the two of you would that also be OK?

Cynically what’s the odds on dad actually staying alone in the caravan with his son rather than shifting the girlfriend and her daughter in.

Three caravans for 8 people is a bit much. When you get three bed caravans not counting the sofa.

Thank you, I appreciate your perspective. It's really difficult because I'm here, at home, 5 mins away from ex-DH's house, and I find it very emotionally difficult to say to my son 'no you can't come here, instead you must go with dad' when what I really feel is that he shouldn't have to go with dad, and he should be allowed to come home (one of his two homes) whenever he wants to. DS is not happy and hasn't been for some time (since GF moved in). We've had all sort of issues. Yes he's also being a teenager, and a bit selfish, etc. But I don't tend to have any problems with my kids and they very much wanted to come along to the two holidays with me, including the one to my home country which I promise you is FAR from a glamourous location. But we love hanging out together. They are amazing travellers and we love spending that time. The problem is, ex DH has really deprioritised them so he now has very little good will from the kids to do something they're not keen on as an activity. does that make sense? I can push the kids to do something they don't particularly don't want to because we have a top relationship and they (still) want to please me (haven't grown out of that yet). Their dad has blown that goodwill with moving in his GF after such a short time of being with her and deprioritising the DS in most ways.

My exH and I agreed we would do everything we could to encourage kids to go to visit/stay/holidays with other parent as planned until they were 16. I never waivered or let any kid think they could choose, even on the few occasions there were tantrums or (as they got older) begging. This was because we both agreed it was important to maintain relationships with both parents/grandparents etc. and it would benefit us both over the years to take this approach. Our eldest is now 16 and we do give her the choice. I think you should strongly encourage your son to go, it is so important that he maintains a good relationship with his dad and grandparents. I would however speak to exH and suggests he organises some good activities for him whilst there as he’s not enjoying the blended family thing

He can be as "authoritarian" as he likes, he still can't force your DS to go on holiday, he can't physically drag him there.

Honestly, I think he needs to go and I’m puzzled by those saying he can’t be forced. I certainly wouldn’t contemplate a 14 year old being allowed to refuse a family holiday. Hopefully his grandparents want to spend time with him and he needs to consider them too, as well as his Dad.

The feeling that he is being pushed out by the gf and child is a separate issue and should be dealt with separately.

Your ex is bullying your DS. You need to support him.

Tell DS he can come home now if he wants. I would be tempted to go elsewhere with him if you think ex will turn up at your house and cause a scene.

LEGALLY he is old enough to make his own decisions about his dad and if this went to court the judge would not force this poor child to spend any time with his dad if he didn’t want to let alone go on holiday with him!

back up your child and say he’s made it quite clear he doesn’t want to go on holiday with you and your gf etc so he won’t be. Dad needs to learn that no means NO!

How can he be forced? Are you saying you would use violence against your child to make them do something you want?

It’s not a family holiday though!!! VERY different to that!! It’s a holiday with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend and his dad’s girlfriend’s child!

I would tell your son that you are not getting involved. It's between him and his dad, and the holiday is paid for and organised and he needed to either speak up before it was booked, or he can go and try and enjoy it as much as he can. There will be a pool and the seaside and he's old enough to go off and explore a bit by himself, and he will get to see his grandparents

I would remind him that he had a great relationship with his dad before and it might be a good opportunity to talk to him about how he feels, but also it's not the other side of the world or in the middle of nowhere. It won't be like staying at his dad's house.

I'd encourage him to go and I'd encourage him to remember that you cannot do anything about what his dad does, and you're sorry that he's not excited, but he needs to try and make the best of it, and he won't ever have to do this again

I would be tempted to just tell your ex he isn't going. Why do some people insist on forcing their kids into a blended family situation. It clearly isn't benefitting them. Only their father.

Just text your ex that ds isn't going and go pick him up! Support your ds here, it is up to him totally if he wants to go or not.
Don't engage with ex further than that.

Your exH has made his bed and will have to lie in it.
He knew it was a risk of moving in a partner with child.

Actually, reading your most recent post I’m leaning more towards just go and get him. If it was just a holiday with dad and grandparents etc it would be different but if there are already issues around the new partner it would jjst make things worse.

We are a blended family - if one of my step children said they didn’t want to come on holiday with me and my DC I would be really disappointed but I wouldn’t force them. I always think, at the end of the day they didn’t choose this. They didn’t choose this new family dynamic and we should always be mindful of that.

But if he doesn’t go I would make sure DD is ok with it.

What's so puzzling about saying he can't be forced?
How would you force him if he refuses?

I know it is staggering that he is telling the ds he has to go. Authoritarian ex or not, the op needs to put her ds first and just say no.

I would back your son up here tbh. He’s asking for your help because he’s increasingly unhappy with his father, and he really, really doesn’t want to go. He’s asking because he trusts you, and I wouldn’t be inclined to teach him that you won’t back him up when he needs you to.

I don’t think this is one of those situations where he’s just going to roll his eyes and suck it up. I think some form of blow up is likely inevitable, and it’s better to have it to on home turf than miles away from home in a caravan.

How long has he been with his partner for ? You’ve said they’ve been together a short amount of time

Does his Dad realise that at any point he could refuse to live with him any more? And that this holiday is pushing him closer to that point?

DC are both old enough to make their own decisions about holidays and it's understandable if they feel they have been away enough, even apart from the difficulty with his dad's new lifestyle.
However, it may be correct that you have inadvertently used up all DS's holiday 'tolerance'. Perhaps you could suggest to your Ex that next time, he tries to make a plan to go away with DS before other trips are arranged.

I'm afraid I would tell ex-h that I have no intention of picking the boy up and physically putting him in the car, if he wants to do that, it's up to him.

Since your ex loses nothing financially if he doesn’t go because it’s literally just a caravan holiday in the UK, your DS shouldn’t be forced to go against his wishes. It isn’t fair on him. This exact same thing happened to me when I was 13. My mum dragged me to Butlins with her best friend and her DC. She said it would be fine because her DD and I always got along, but her DD brought a friend along so I was a third wheel! It was awkward as hell and I hated it.

Don’t make your DS go, he’s old enough to be allowed an opinion. I’d feel differently if this was an expensive trip abroad with flights and accommodation paid for him but it’s not. Your DD has a friend so she’ll get some enjoyment from this, your poor DS will be miserable.