To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

As a MIL I wouldn't comment but I do think only choosing names from your side of the family is slightly thoughtless. There are enough names out there to avoid choosing parents names.
To say your MIL will contaminate your child and suggesting that she wouldn't want to see him because she doesn't like his name is actually nasty. You do not come across well when you make comments like that.

Frankly, if you speak to your mil the way you write on here, I’m surprised she wants to see you at all. “Contaminate” your child, really? You sound horrible.

Well obviously it's up to you and your DH. Bit I find it a bit off both names (I'm not talking surnames!) come from your side if the family. To me it's not about fairness, it just seems a bit odd leaving the other side of the family out.

Honestly regardless of what anyone thinks about your choice of baby name, it’s really not cricket to keep bleating on about it, hassling new parents because you dislike their choice is horrible. You’ve (presumably!) tried to explain nicely, you’ve been more blunt and now you’ve bitten her head off. If she carries on now.. well, the woman’s got the hide of a rhino 😂

My DD has just had a baby. He has his 'own' first name (completely unrelated to either family) then a second and third name both from his dad's family. When I heard his names I spent a fraction of a second thinking 'nothing from our family'... Then I got over myself and celebrated the happy and healthy arrival of the baby.

Not my baby, not my business.

I love all the old names! I met a little girl at the beach once, she told me her name was Ethel, and it suited her so well. She’s probably in her mid to late 20s now.

It's your baby you can name it whatever you want. No one ever seems bothered when a boy is named the same name as his father and his father and his father before him. Perfectly acceptable to only "honour" the dads family but god forbid a woman honour herself and her own family when naming the baby she grew and birthed.

No one should be complaining about anything. You're freshly post partum, you have a newborn baby. You're the only person entitled to be emotional and yet you're the person expected to be being rational and reasonable and consider everyone else's feelings.

Your husband needs to text her "mum you can't be here every day, it's too much, we have other visitors and we want some time alone too. We'll only be able to have you round once or twice a week from now on. We love that you love our son but you do have other grandkids too that would love to see you. And stop complaining about his name, that's his name, we chose it, it's final, we haven't asked for your opinion"

Your husband should have stopped her going on about it yet again. "Mum weve named him and it's not going to change so please stop bringing it up ... its mot up for debate" ... would have sufficed.

I wouldn't have snapped at her, but I would tell her exactly what you did: that it's your son, you get to name him, and you don't need to consult her or anybody else about his name. End off.

All my names are hand me downs, same with DH.

Paternal grandparents often feel a bit less connected to the child and worry they’ll not be as close as the maternal line. You’re right with what you said but if you want to have more empathy for her look at it that way - she’s worried that she won’t get a look in and now the baby has been given both names from the maternal line. She just feels pushed away or left out.

Why isn't your husband telling her to back off and give you all some space while you nest? She needs to back off and he needs to be clear and make the boundary, not you. Next time she asks to come round HE needs to be the one to say sorry, no, we want to spend time together as a family. She is coming round daily now, this will turn into twice daily soon enough and turning up unannounced.

I have friends that didn't let anyone see the baby until they had their first jabs, she needs to back off!

my son

Another MN virgin birth? Surely he is 'our son' and you and his father will choose names.

Are your sibling and his wife having a son?

I'm imagining a baby Cuthbert.

I wouldn't have picked both names from one side of the family but I only have only used one family name in 8 names.

It's none of her business and now she's been so rude any chance of you picking two names from your husband's side next time have gone.

Congratulations.

My kids don’t have a nod to their paternal side. One has my dad’s name as their middle name. No one fought or argued over the names of their grandchildren. Our family isn’t weird like that.

"My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him."

No thrill for them, would have been better wording.
All newborns are a delight.
Naming after her Dad, fair enough.
Husband not bothered about his, okay.
But making the middle name her granddad's is a snub.
As others have said, her baby, her choice but it is tone deaf.

And remember, one day OP, you will be that paternal grandparent, a future MiL to your DS’s wife. (Or husband).

HRTFT, but just remember this might be you one day, especially as DM of a son. I say that as someone who is grateful to get on incredibly well will my DIL, and whilst I will never be as close as DGD's maternal GP, I have a wonderful bond with DGD.

He told her many times but she kept on and on she wouldn’t listen to respect our choice.

We have never really got on. DHs dad and I get on but mum doesn’t seem to like me and I’ve never really bothered I don’t really need her I have my own mother and father she always wanted a “girl to girl relationship” but we just had nothing in common. Same thing with all her children’s partners. She’s desperate for me to interact with her but I just don’t want to. I will respect but I don’t have anything to talk to her about and now we have a son she thinks we will be best friends no!

I think you are utterly selfish to have both names from your side of the family AND give him a ridiculous double barrelled surname.

Yes that is the line to take. Pick up on a 3 week post partum mother for momentarily using “my” instead of “our” when referring to the child she has carried for nine months and just birthed. 🙄

MiL is ridiculous and the only debate to have is how to limit her intrusive and unhelpful visits.

Is it damp under there?

You chose names that honoured your family and ignored your husband's. In return you get the pleasure and appreciation of your folks and the disappointment of his. Bouquets and brick bats.
Your MiL should have controlled her disappointment certainly but you can't accept praise for the names from your family while considering the flip side of that totally unreasonable.

What do you mean by contaminate? Do you mean she visits with colds and coughs?