To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

We named our daughter incorporating MIL name as a second name and she still was not happy and made a snide comment about the first name we had given her. She got used to it over time and loved it by the time she died. She was imperfect same as the rest of us but on balance I loved her a lot.

Regardless of names no one should be coming every day to view the baby. You and DH can decline daily visits, you are settling into your rhythm as new parents, no more daily visits, thank you. We'll text next week for a catch up type of thing.

Despite having had four of her own, my MIL (a lovely woman, and much loved by me) was keen to name our firstborn son and had one name in particular she really wanted us to use. Just to tease her, we started referring to the fetus by a very old-fashioned name indeed. Originally it was joke name, but by the time he came into the world, we were so used to calling him by that name that we made it official. Fortunately, he likes it!

Well I guess it would have been nice to have used a name from their side but if there's none you like the that's that.

My son has the same middle name as his dad & paternal GF.

If I didn't like it he wouldn't have it!

I don't understand why thought that they should be consulted!

Is there something else going on in terms of your husband/MIL's culture?

In my family tradition the eldest son is named after w, the eldest daughter after x, the next son after y, the next daughter after z. Then if there are more children the parents pick the names. Sometimes the middle name is the mothers surname.

Obviously with smaller families we don't get to use all the old relatives names now.

There was also a local superstition that the names were reused so that the dead person was 'reborn' or 'at peace' (or something else along those lines).

For a family not to reuse a name was a big thing. When it happened it was a deliberate snub.

I have noticed that my age group were the last to be named on this way though. Most children are being given unique names in the family or ones based on the old names. They are using middle names in some cases from both families.

One member of the family has married someone from another culture where they think it's bad luck to name a children after a living relative.

Your MIL may have taken the name as a direct snub. It's up to your husband to explain this to her though.

My kids don't have names that favour either side of the family... so we're not weird either.
My point was it seems she has entirely favoured her side, and left out husbands side completely.
Its an obvious 'oversight' snub that MiL has picked up on as was clearly intended

She’s being ridiculous. Our first is named after my maternal grandmother. Our second after dh’s dad. Neither of them were alive when our dc were born or we might have consulted with them about using their names. Otherwise, no one in either family knew our name choices. None of their bloody business really. I dare say this does not bode well for how she’s going to be as a grandparent in years to come though.

When my DD was born, we gave her DH's Mum & my aunt's name (same name) as a middle name. Then when DS was born, we gave DH's dad and my dad's name (again, conveniently same name, although the're known as different diminuatives). Since we weren't going to have another child, and we realised my poor Mum had been left out, we asked her to choose a 2nd middle name for DS, and she was delighted. It's a lovely little family story, with all the children's names having meaning and shows how as a family we love, consider and respect everyone. IMO, this a much nicer start to life than OP's 'my way or the highway' approach. OP is techninally right, she can name her baby what she wants (with DH's agreement), but it was a dick move that was obviously going to cause hurt to her child's paternal grandparents. Would it really have hurt to give him a second middle name from his Dad's side? It didn't have to be FILs name if that's really unpalatable to them. His own Dad's name/middle name or his Dad's grandad/brother/uncle's name/middle name could havdle been considered.

I lived with my in-laws for the first six weeks after my son was born and they were angels. I couldn't have survived those weeks without them.

IMO only the people who were at the conception have any rights to a say on the babies name and it's bonkers that anyone else could ever think otherwise.

My paternal grandmother was apparently adamant on what my first name was going to be all through my mum's pregnancy, even though it wasn't a name that either of my parents wanted. In the end my mum registered me in secret and granny held a lifelong grudge that I never got her chosen name.

YANBU We got into trouble because apparently there was a long standing family tradition that you give the first born son their Father's first name as their second name. Noooobody had ever mentioned this during my pregnancy, but it was a big issue after we announced the names we had chosen. We had actually used a second name from their side of the family and my Dad didn't bat an eyelid.

Your MIL sounds like an absolute twat. YANBU. I think it’s good that you snapped tbh. She’s only put out as she’s realised she’s overstepped the line.

You chose the names as a 'fuck you' to that side if the family and now are surprised it has caused offense.

You are out of order and you know it @TwinklyPoster. I suspect you like getting your own way and your dh knows this. Choosing both names from your side only is pretty shit. You say your father is delighted. I'll bet he is. Its all about your family, isnt it. And all about you.

I have no interest in what my son chooses to do. So long as he’s happy. He doesn’t need to name anyone after me. My mother and my fathers mother were always cordial and their relationship worked out fine. They didn’t try to pretend to have things in common or be age mates. DHs mother is over 40 years older than me, come on I already have a mother who I have things in common with. We can just be cordial she doesn’t need to message me every 2 seconds, get mad over names, call me randomly. Yet the other grandchildren she hardly sees, hardly remembers all their names. I’m not going to play her games against her other children who dislike her. DH is just cordial.

‘Pick on’

Come off it, this is a person who talks about her husband’s mum ‘contaminating’ her child!

She should talk about ‘our son’ and later in the thread should talk about ‘our’ house and not ‘my’.

Gives a very strong indication of how she thinks, this Virgin Mary…😂

I chose DS's names, his father couldn't be arsed to be involved with that. I named him after a dragon/elephant, my dad, my favourite singer (her surname but is also a first or middle name) and gave him my surname (which I got from my ex-H who is not DS's dad.) All a bit complicated!

And your MIL has got you sussed.

You don't like your mother in law and that's fine. You are of course perfectly free to chose any name you want. I think your delivery was harsh. Also the use of the word 'contaminate' says quite a lot as I doubt you feel your own family will 'contaminate' your son.

Your judgement is clouded by your dislike.

This isn’t remotely normal behaviour and maybe you can get some support from your DH’s siblings as well as him addressing the frequency of the unhelpful visits. It sounds like they recognise the problem behaviours around DH.

Grandparents’ role in naming a new child should be limited to “have you noticed those initials”, “really unfortunate associations due to X” and “that’s nice” before the event and “thats nice” after the event - even if you chose Pixie-FrouFrou BigBollux. Sometimes we see a problem worth mentioning beforehand but once named the deal is done and we get on with it.

What happens when DH tells her to plan visits in advance and limit them?

Is a prolonged stay at your parents and option to escape?

There is being direct and there is being openly hostile. For me, this crosses the line.

What the names are and why they were chosen is irrelevant.

"We have chosen the names that we liked and it is no longer a topic for discussion. Another biscuit, Marjorie?"

Telling someone who is past child bearing age to have one of their own is rude.

Your mother in law was wrong to comment on your name choice..
But you obviously don't like her.
What on earth do you mean when you say you don't want her to contaminate your son?

The naming baby to honour relatives is also quite a dated practice isn't it?
So what? It's what the OP and her husband wanted to do. It has nothing to do with anyone else and I really don't see why anyone would feel the need to judge about it.

The OP's MIL is out of order, coming round almost daily when the OP is immediately post-partum and going on and on about the name.
OP, I'd leave the room any time she brings it up. Let your DH deal with it.

She’s desperate for me to interact with her but I just don’t want to. I will respect but I don’t have anything to talk to her about and now we have a son she thinks we will be best friends no!

Don't you want to have a better relationship and try for your DHs sake?

Looks like all the other children did too. Maybe she should just focus on retirement instead of coming over pretending she’s helping when she cannot do anything she gets in the way and is not very useful. My mother does more and isn’t obsessed with our son and respect boundaries and this is her first grandchildren. Yet MIL has 7 other grandchildren.