To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

You are 10,,000% in the right there OP and 100 thumbs up from me for being direct with your MIL, who has no right to dominate.

I am sooo glad to read that your father is very happy, your MIL needs to accept the naming of her grandson was up to his parents and not her.

Just stand your ground, she should just be happy she has a new grandson as most grand oarents would, that is what counts here.

Even if h didn't want to use names from his side, you lost the high ground on the 'he is my son' . Did you h not help create this new life? In his shoes I would have been pissed off.

Well you have given your child names that’s are 75% your family and not his…you’re married what’s with the double barrel surname?
I can understand your MIL feeling somewhat hurt TBH - First middle and last name …all YOU
plus I think it’s really weird to name children after living people ie you’re dad

Yeah he’s told us to just give a bit of time to get to know our baby. She’s been here almost everyday and it’s the same thing everyday baby isn’t growing that fast. She can go see the grandchildren that are actually able to converse with her.

I think it's great baby will have your dad's first name and yours and your DP's last names.

But I don't get the logic of not giving baby your father-in-law's name as a middle name, if he has been a good dad to your DP.

It does sound like a pointed move.

My 3 oldest got a certain middle name as both of his grandfather's were coincidence the same first name his first name a Welsh name to reflect that side of the family, second child my daughter got names I chose no family connection whatsoever, my 3rd one got two Scottish names to reflect that side of heritage, only found out after I named him was my great grandfather's first name, my children have named their children names they like not a single family name among them, it was their choices not mine so never ever said anything about their choices

This is where your partner/husband needs to step in and say “mum, I know you are excited that X is here but we also want to have some time just the three of us. Could you come by one day at the weekend instead.”
or
“today isn’t a good day to be honest. You remember what it was like with a newborn don’t you, we are both tired and just want to chill today without the house being Piccadilly Circus. At the rate you keep visiting my neighbours are going to think you have moved in!”

At three weeks PP you are still in recovery mode and he needs to step in and ensure his mother remembers that!

Missed the point of thread but love Agatha for a girl.

No delight for them?

Why is it impossible to be delighted by the arrival of a grandchild unless you get to choose the name?

Maybe in the circumstances it would have been nice to have given baby a second middle to honour your husbands family.

If my sons become dads I will accept whatever names they and the mum choose (whether I like the name or not). If the name nods to the mother’s family it wouldn’t bother me at all. A hopefully healthy baby and happy parents would be my only concern.

I've got 4 kids, the first 3 have names that come from my family. Only my youngest has his great uncles name on my husband's side as his middle name. I don't care if it's unbalanced. Tough titty.

If she's anything like my MIL she'll be like a dog with a bone so you have to be really blunt or she'll never drop it. Our kids have dhs surname (I kept my own) so all middle names come from my family, which seems fair to us. We're having a third and as soon as she was done complaining about the baby being a girl she started on middle names and how it's unfair they all come from my side. I agreed and told her we'd go ahead and use middle names from his family and my surname this time. The pearls were clutched, I'll get at least a month of the silent treatment for that one.....

Absolutely! Contaminated….by her attitudes…🙄

… The baby is genetically part of MiL (unless OP, your DH is adopted).
He is ‘contaminated’ by your MiL already.

Perhaps a different choice of husband, rather than marrying into a family you clearly don’t like.

Well my husband was involved and did not want our son to have his fathers name.

She has done

[Her dad] + [Her grandad] + [Her surname]-[Her husband's name]

It's hardly a Fuck the Patriarchy stance 🙃

It is not feminist to choose all your kids' names
or railroad your husband into it for suck-up points to your closest male relatives.

I would suggest your reaction is extremely OTT.

You are definitely not in the wrong! Well done for speaking out! You need to watch sheena.tiktok76 on TikTok - she will validate your feelings!

I can't believe your MIL thought it was OK to upset you about such a thing when you are at your most vulnerable OP - not acceptable, regardless of her feelings. There's a time and a place!

This.
Not even a nod to the paternal family at all?

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all by choosing names that “honour your side of the family” and not his. The baby has their surname so I don’t see the problem. You and your husband chose the names and are both happy, so it’s none of her business.
At best she could’ve heard the names and had a bitch about it to her husband or a friend, but she absolutely should not be speaking to you about it, bringing ot up multiple times with you and telling you she thinks it’s unfair. She need to back off!

She needed to be put right and she was. You need to set boundaries now by the sound of it, or she’ll just get worse. Glad your DH has your back. Hope Herbert (or whatever his name actually is, lol), is thriving.

My first was named after my mum. My MIL was nothing but delighted. Our second was named after my MIL and she was so touched, there had been no expectation on her part at all. Your MIL sounds very self absorbed and generally a negative person. You don’t need a drain like that around you when you are postpartum. Limit contact as much as possible.

i thought he had both your surnames? Or one of those amalgamated ones?
" We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names."

I can sort of see where she's coming from - out of 4 names 3 are from your side of the family. Plus as a pp picked up 'MY son' rather than 'OUR' (as in yours and DH's) - if you've said other similar things the fixation on the name might be symptomatic of a general concern that you're going to freeze her out and prefer your side of the family. But ironically clashing with you over that is only going to make that more likely.

Personally I wouldn't like the way ALL his names are essentially hand me downs. Let the poor kid have at least one name that's just his. But at the end of the day it's yours and your DH's decision, not hers.

The child is a boy. Of course he will have male names.