To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

A bit dramatic.

Naming a child is usually decided by the child's parents.
It doesn't require committee approval.

My own - generally lovely - Mum said far far worse when I told her my children's names. Negative input is by no means restricted to MILs.

YANBU.

Anyone who repeatedly turns up at the home of a post-partum mother to whinge and harangue after getting a reasonable explanation clearly needs a more direct conversation.

You’re not wrong - she had her chance to name multiple children. She doesn’t get to name yours. As long as you and your husband agree then it’s nobody else’s decision.

I cannot comprehend taking the joyous occasion of the arrival of a new grandchild and turning it into something to be furious about.

You and h get to choose your kids names.
Mil and anyone else sticking their oar in need shutting down pronto.
Good for you OP, fuck being kind and nice sometimes. You told her, your h was on side as he should be. She has to get over it, think all the more but get over it.
I know someone who named their baby, in the week after a dodgy A lister was accused of serious sexual offences. Their kid wasn't named after this person but given the same name. I was 'oh, that's nice' while thinking wtf.
The news has moved on but the name will still resonate with people for the wrong reasons.

It isn't surprising that she (or rather FIL) might have felt a little bruised to see your Dad and Grandad's names used - 2 from your family.

But it is her job to keep schtumm, say 'what lovely names' and get on with being a happy grandma and loving the child whatever his name.

I would say "I know I was snappy the other day - I just want you to know that we just love that style / era of names, and those names in particular. It wasn't a way to make one half of our baby's family more important than the other. " and if she comes back on it "well that's his name now. I am sorry you feel upset but there's no point going over it - the most important thing is that he is a happy, healthy, loved child, so lets focus on that". And after that ..."we've had that conversation, ooh look its raining"

And take control of the boundaries, Give her a job. "We nap / rest / in the afternoon and are in bed by * but it would be brilliant if you could come on Thursday at 11 and wheel baby out in his pram for half an hour - see you then"

She sounds difficult, and a pain, but I wouldn't burn bridges yet.

If she hates his name then don’t call to the house. Yet here she is every day. He hasn’t changed she was here yesterday now she wants to come later on this afternoon. She had other grandchildren she could go see.

That's interesting isn't it.
She has other grandchildren but hardly sees them.

Sounds like it's time for your DH to take over all of the communicating with his parents while you just enjoy your new baby.

Agree 💯 with kitty or not to kitty

She’s being a dick but it seems VERY pointed to honour your family and not his…

It’s your choice on names but I can see why she may feel slighted as you’ve chosen to honour 2 names from your own family. My nephew had mums grandads name, dads grandad as middle name, mums surname as middle name and Dad’s surname so both families were equally honoured.

Same. But it’s what OP and her DH chose. Maybe they wanted to name boys after the mother’s family and girl’s after the father’s family or similar.

I took my DH’s name when we married and we both agreed that middle names would reflect my heritage and family to create a certain amount of balance.

Well, she's not wrong, is she?
You have picked your dad's name and your grandfather's name.
Your husband's dad/grandfather aren't "honoured" at all. No delight for them.
If your father and grandfather's names were always your husband's favourites, fine, but you've said yourself why you chose them.
Arthur/Wilfred/Albert etc are kind of making a comeback, as are old fashioned girls' names, but your expectations he'll grow into it, like you did, is also blinkered. He might, he might not. He might end up with a school nickname. He might hate it or get teased at secondary.
It's your child. You gave birth to him.
But your reaction was OTT and your husband choosing "with" you is fortuitous.

It’s also not unreasonable to say that you need a couple of days with no visitors. It can feel quite intrusive to have people constantly visiting when you’re trying to recover and catch up on sleep.

Can your DH get his siblings to invite her over to spend time with her other grandchildren?

Why is it tone deaf? It’s clear that the baby’s father was fully involved in picking names. If he felt strongly about using a name from his family then he could have had that discussion.

I came on your thread assuming I'd be fully on your side but actually, I think you've been pretty nasty.

You have honoured your family in your son's name three times and his once... that's either a deliberate snub or pure selfishness. Your child has two parents and two sets of grandparents.

I'm not shy at telling my in-laws to back off when needed and asserting boundaries as a mum. But I wouldn't have been so deliberately hurtful when choosing names.

on my side of the family this is the first grandchildren. My siblings are in their late 30s and early 40s all married but no children yet. I am the youngest out of 4 and I am the first to have children. My brothers wife is expecting.

I don’t think you helped yourself @TwinklyPoster

“he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself”

Surely he is ‘our son’.

No don’t worry , it’s none of her business so it’s good that you've put her in her place early on as no doubt she’ll have an opinion on other aspects of your DS upbringing

My husband loves the name did not want me to name his son after his father at all. I did ask him for our sons middle name so we went with my grandfathers name.

Well, she's not wrong, is she?
You have picked your dad's name and your grandfather's name.
Your husband's dad/grandfather aren't "honoured" at all. No delight for them.

This OP. You should put yourself through pregnancy, breastfeeding, mat leave, do the hard work in these early years (as most mums do), give baby dad's surname, but really, it's your in laws that MUST be honoured. Fuck what you want, fuck your family, fuck honouring your own heritage. The man is the only one that matters. If you could erase yourself completely, that would be great. Just do the work and sit there quietly and play the good daughter in law.

I think it's really odd to name your child after your dad, grandad and to double barrel his surname. His his own person not a mini me project!

She was annoying and rude to a mum of a newborn baby. She can fuck off and I think putting your foot down early is the right thing to do. Don't pander to her nonsense.

And then she talks about Mil “contaminating” the baby, like she’s some sort of disease. I agree it’s nasty.

You birthed a baby just weeks ago, your husband needs to be protecting your recovery and wellbeing from his mum. Well done for sticking up for yourself and don’t feel guilty one bit

It’s tone deaf and shows complete lack of social and emotional awareness to honour one side of the family several times, and not the other. It’s pretty cruel and mean. Tone deaf. I cringed when I read it. It’s like having a wedding and putting the bride’s family on the top table with her, and the DH’s family on a separate table. Outwardly humiliating.

That confused me too and was going to post, then saw yours. Agatha is as old fashioned as you can get (but perfectly decent).