To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

Hopefully I have my grandmothers traits. She gets on with my mum because she has never told her what to do. Respected that she’s an adult. I will respect that my son will know what how to raise his own son/daughter. Why would I care. If he’s not abusing his children why would I care what they decide to do or how they raise them. I’ll be in my 60s/70s travelling. DHs mum is in her mid 70s and obsessed it’s weird. She has more money than sense If I was her I’d enjoy life to the fullest nor be miserable because your adult. children want to have boundaries. She started crying when DH and I told her to delete the photo with our son off her social media. What kind of 76 year old woman cries over that get a grip! It’s manipulation.

Not really. My aunt just had her first grandson recently. She has a great relationship with her daughter in law and sees her grandchild regularly. She actually, arguably, has a closer relationship with parents than they do with the wife's mother precisely because she doesn't feel the need to nitpick their every decision...repeatedly.
Mothers of boys are welcome to have an opinion. Doesn't mean that they should go on expressing it until everyone drops everything to accommodate them. Same goes for mothers of girls. An appropriate advice for most people, really.

Just admit you hate your MIL (which may or may not be justified). I think the name saga is a red herring.
Have to say that double barrel names are really chavvy not to mention completely unnecessary if you're married.

Totally should be you and your husband to choose names and it is nothing to do with anyone else.
I am a mil, I would never say I disliked a name either, not my business.
As for the daily visiting, tell your husband to tell her you need some days alone, this is not rude to say.
Its great your husband has 3 months off, you should be enjoying visitors on your terms. It’s your first baby, make the most of it.

I think choosing two names from your side of the family and none from DH is a bit insensitive to be fair. MIL shouldn’t keep talking about it but it would have been more thoughtful of you to consider a name from DH side as a second name or just a neutral name. This smacks of your family being more important than DHs and something I see quite often.
You’re not unreasonable to choose names you like but I understand why she feels hurt.

What a pathetic old cunt.

She wants to because she wants control. I do not give a fuck what she has to say I am an adult why is she not respecting my boundaries all she should be worried about if if baby is healthy which he is. She will never have any say on how DH and I parent. She cried because we told her to either delete the photo of our son off her shitty Facebook or never see him again. He’s our child we make decisions he’s unable to consent to anything yet.

I don't believe she does hate the MIL. I believe she's frustrated at the MIL not reverting to type and ignoring her grandchild and getting in the way of a recent PP mother from getting on with learning how to look after her child.

'contaminate'?

It’s completely suffocating for her to be coming round every day. especially as your DH has taken three months’ parental leave. He needs to tell her to back off. Twice a week for one hour feels about right.

I’m surprised that you can’t see that maybe it didn’t feel fair that both the baby’s names are after your family, you could have done one of the names after one of his relatives.
I also think you were unnecessarily sharp with MiL. Your point might be true, but that doesn’t mean you need to be stroppy about it.
None of us can know whether MiL’s comments were just passing comment, or repeated digs, only you can know that.
But she is now part of your family, and it is better if you can get on with her. My tip to you would be if there is any confrontation required, let DH do it. It is nicer if you can be inclusive and at least aware of potential issues, so that you can explain your reasoning. “MiL, we’re calling the baby xyz. The x is after my dad bc and the y is for my grandad. I feel a bit bad that DH’s family names are not being used on this occasion, but for the next baby we are thinking of using one of your family names.” Which you should be, in the circumstances.
I know when I was pregnant with DC2, my gran mentioned that she was sad we hadn’t used my deceased grandpa’s name for DC1. So we used it for DC2 ( as a middle name, as I didn’t like the name much). My brother and his wife used that grandma’s name as a middle name for their DD, because they knew it meant something to her.
Yes of course you can name your child whatever you want, but it doesn’t hurt to be diplomatic.

'She cried because we told her to either delete the photo of our son off her shitty Facebook or never see him again.'

Crumbs! Poor MIL. I'm nit surprised she cried.

If she mentions it again OP, smile sweetly, say “we have already had this conversation, but MIL you could ask the question on Gransnet and get some advice there about it”?

She will be “told” 😃

If it was put to her like that, I’m not surprised she cried!

I’m not my mother in laws greatest fan by any means, but I don’t speak to, or about her, as though she’s something I wouldn’t step in.

Well done OP. You have shown her you won’t be bullied and she will not be able to get away with any nonsense in your presence. Keep at it until she winds her neck in. These characters often step things up a notch during a time of vulnerability (e.g. you just having given birth), so don’t accept crap treatment and don’t back down, otherwise you’ll be putting up with this for the rest of your life.

This is an incredibly uncomfortable read. You sound as if you hate her and want nothing to do with her. It does sound too as if she oversteps boundaries and I imagine it’s suffocating having her visit so often. I get the feeling that you’d happily cut contact, it’s almost like you’re itching to do so. Something about your posts is incredibly depressing on both sides really.

I wonder if the millions upon millions upon millions of parents of daughters who witness their daughter give up her family name when she gets married, and her subsequent children also do not have the same family name as the mother’s side also feel this way? Oh no, I forgot, women can give up their names without a thought, but heaven forfend a man agrees to name his child after his wife’s father. Now that’s insensitive(!)

Every day is mental, you need to tell her no!

It’s really refreshing to have parents not plastering their children all over social media and respecting a child’s privacy.

Right?! So many batshit replies on this thread “it’s not fairrrrr!”

It is up to the mother and father to decide, as long as they both had input what is the problem 🤣

I personally wouldn’t keep going on about a perfectly acceptable name choice to a woman who gave birth three weeks ago. I wouldn’t keep trying to emotionally manipulate a woman who just gave birth to my GC. But I guess we’re all different.

So many upholders of the patriarchy on here. Be nice! Be kind! Shut up and take it! It’s so refreshing to hear of a poster who is not prepared to take any shit!

Impressive you’ve managed to extrapolate that from my post.

I tend to read the words in front of me, rather than making them up. So yes we are indeed, all different.

What have I extrapolated? What is “that”?

And yours.

As a boy mum, you may one day see where she is coming from if your son ever has a child named after his partner's relatives. I'm not saying that she is right, just how you may feel if the mother of your grandchild seems to be all for her family.