To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

I think we all know the answer 😂

Yea I can read just fine. Both the babies first names were from her side of the family.

Christ your dh has married his mother @TwinklyPoster

Would someone neutral who knew both you and your MIL say that you're quite alike in temperament?

I really do hope that rant is because you are postpartum, because you are coming across as a really unpleasant person.

I’m currently going through this with my own mother. It’s draining and starting to become downright rude. Good for you.

No I don’t think. I want my son to have complete control of his life but he isn’t even 3 weeks old yet I think it’s is fair for my husband and to make decisions for him and we don’t want him on my MIL rotten social media full of fake news and crap. She can post her other grandchildren but she’ll never see them again if she did that she’s crossed boundaries multiple times and refuses to respect other peoples choices. Humans have autonomy. Her son has always maintained that I’d we had a son he’d like for him to be named after my father. My father and my husband are very close. My parents respect my boundaries I am an adult they’re never going to tell me what to do. DHs parents especially mum think she can tell ME what to do she doesn’t know me or own me.

My children are all named after people on my side of the family, DH could have of course disagreed and I’d of listened but he liked them and I basically just told everyone it was tough! It’s mum & dads job to name the baby no one else’s

Not unpleasant just a woman who’s sick of another woman that isn’t even my mother telling us what to do constantly. She is not needed and needs to just stop. Sometimes you have to be harsh. I’ve tried to be nice for 13 years but that doesn’t get me anywhere with her. She wants control and she won’t get that with me and she is upset so she starts crying constantly. Anything she is told it leads to tears as a form of manipulation. She got upset because I laughed in her face, tears yet no tears were actually coming out.

We are nothing alike. Even my mother avoids her she’s pushed everyone away and if she’s not careful she will push her son away. He’s the only sibling that is still somewhat nice to her , all her children can’t be the problem.

Just because someone is a mother in law doesn’t mean they deserve respect when they have constantly disrespected you and crossed boundaries and use their tears as a weapon. For all I care she could stop messaging me and pretending to care and I wouldn’t even notice. DH has debated cutting ties with her all the time and now we have some he has had a word with her and told her if she continues she will be cut off.

I bet she didn't get into a consultation process over your name.

Mother and Father's family names are represented.

She can get over herself.

Must say that on initial reading regarding the baby names, I can see why she'd take that as a snub. It is. Even if your dh agreed. But you know that.

By the sound of things both you and mil are somewhat controlling and you both feel threatened by and resentful of the other.
You don't like her, that much is clear. You say that she doesn't like you either so there we go. You're not coming across on here as being all that pleasant tbh...but maybe you're just at the end of your tether, I don't know.

Someone said, "Christ, your dh has married his mother."
I laughed because that's possibly true.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted

tough titty, they didn't need to be consulted and fairness in naming a child is not a thing

It does seem off that the names are from your family and none from his. Should have been more fair and shared.

DH didn’t want to use his fathers first name. He likes my fathers name and sees out son growing into it when he’s a little bit older he’s still a baby right now.

I mean she abused by husband ? You also don’t dump your children off to boarding school amongst other things and expect them to like you. She’s in her 70s with nothing to show for her life just a wasted life not many skills I do feel for her. She’s also upset that I will be going back to work for 2 days a week when our son is 6 months as we have a village to support us ie my family. She’s upset that her son has chosen to take 3 months off work to spend with baby and I. Her reaction was so misogynistic and she kept saying about us being “indoctrinated” and “woke” because DH want to be with me whilst we are still getting used to being parents. I just laughed I didn’t even bother commenting. He’s had to go to therapy for it all. I can only go by his childhood experiences and the fact that his siblings don’t want much to do with their mother. But yea we are exactly alike. If it’s controlling to not want our son to be posted on Facebook then yes alright. I will never post my child on social media till they are 18+ children cannot consent. She cried over us telling her for the 4th time to delete the photo otherwise she cannot keep seeing him. We have her multiple chances before coming to a conclusion on that.

She keeps turning up to the house she is not needed. She needs to find other things to fulfil herself with my parents are similar ages and have a life MIL doesn’t seem to have much going on in her life. Has all that money but doesn’t want to go on holiday etc. We won’t even ever ask her to baby sit our children on her own we don’t want her abusing our son. Considering all her children have the same story. If I’m controlling then so are all her children and their significant others. They don’t like her at least we tolerate her but she will not tell us what to do certainly won’t be telling me or our son what to do. If she wants to tell DH what to do then okay but he’s a grown adult in his 30s not a teenager.

Serves her right for feckin with a new mother.

Why are you letting her round every day? Just say no or don't open the door. Tell her you need space.
Giving both names from your family only is going to cause upset - you likely knew this and didn't care. That's up to you.
My son has my dad's name as a middle name and also my fils, as he would have been really upset. My husband is not even close to his dad, but knew the upset it would cause.

You were rude to her.

Obviously you can name your son whatever you want but surely you knew to expect that their side of the family would take it as a slight. It could have been handled it more delicately.

I just don’t get why she cares ? its not the end of world and doesn’t affect her life. She should be more worried if baby is healthy she happy not what his name is.

The usual pathetic excuse when a woman is expected to acknowledge the parentage of their new baby!

If you have another son whose name will you pick @TwinklyPoster

I simply don’t see why she cares so much about the name. It has been a topic of discuss so much. She will have no say in what happens to our son that’s mine and his fathers decision we are the parents not her. Same way I wouldn’t tell her what to do with her son or what to do in general. She seems to think I owe her something for being married to her son. I don’t owe her anything.

This.

It's not the actual name that she's bothered about, its more that she feels your family have been favoured over hers. She really needs to grow up. Your Boy has his father's surname... that's the bit people usually talk about when they are discussing passing on the family name.

You initially ended by taking a bit of the blame for being "freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high" but to me that's exactly why she shouldn't be round your house demanding you change a name agreed by both parents because she thinks "Its not fair" She's not being fair.

I think even though you were very forthright with her, that you were right to say so very very firmly. Standing up strongly for yourself right now is actually the best way to nip it in the bud. She now knows that if she raises the subject again, there will be pushback and that you have no intention of giving in to that demand.
So I think that is better than putting up with repeated requests for ages and making polite hints that she then ignores and then having a massive blow up when she really goes too far.

She may be offended, but she wasn't worried about offending a new mum, more concerned about the silly name issue than she is about your mental health and the harmony of your household.

If she's coming over too often then you and DH need to work out a reasonable schedule you can live with. Also I think you need to squash the whole being jealous of newborn's maternal grandparents thing and remind her that you are both just grateful that this little baby has a lot of people in his life who are going to love and cherish him.

However, I do think you were too harsh with your comments about not wanting her to "contaminate" things. It will make things so much easier in the long run to stick to realistic facts and don't overblow the issue, to be accurate and clear, but not unkind.

Congratulations on your little one. It's brilliant that you DH has time to be with you both. Many happy days ahead.