To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

We will give him a name that isn’t affiliated with my family. We have other names that we like but if we have another son he will have a double barrelled name. DH has my surname too we put those names together.

Do some research......sometimes people know stuff you don't!

So is it only first borns that have to be named after family?

You’ve just described an imbalance, though. It just happens to be in your DH/his family’s favour. And you’re apparently fine with that, but not the reverse?

No there’s no rule ? He will have a middle name that is affiliated with the family.

Yes you were rude and a tad aggressive.
You could have added your father in laws name also.
It wouldn't have hurt really. He probably would never use it anyway. But it would have meant a lot to Fil.
He isnt just your baby. He is your husband's too.
Your Mil raised your husband well enough so you wanted to marry him.

Agreed 👍🏻

What tradition is this?

DH didn’t want to we discussed the middle name. The names were my husbands decisions too. I wasn’t rude she just needs to realise this is our child not hers she will never make a decision on him and he cannot consent to any of her nonsense. What selfish person posts a baby on social media when they’ve been told even before the baby was here that we do not want our child on social media ever and we believe a baby cannot consent

MiL has never raised a child. He had a nanny, he went to boarding school aged 8.

My mum was exactly like this! Well we named both children with two middle names, one from each side (our choice and what we wanted) but my mum HATED my DD first name (Tabitha) … she tried to get my whole family to side with her that I needed to change it!!! I couldn’t believe it, after 2.5 years of miscarriages, pain, surgeries ending in a caesarean and a child that was in distressed in utero, why couldn’t my mum just be happy 🤯 … my brother actually told her to behave, it’s our choice not hers … she was still awkward and said she’d call her what she wanted and it wouldn’t be Tabitha, I told her then she wouldn’t speak to her at all ( we lived on other sides of the world) … three months later she tried to get me to change the middle name from our side of the family to something completely different, not anyone in my family … she can said she’d send me the money to change through deed poll … sometimes you can’t make up these crazy behaviours!
you go with your choices - if your DH buckles tell him the next time he squeezes a bat out of a small hole he can listen to him mum if he so pleases

Well, I think your mother's experience is different than the average experience given that she was ill. Under normal (not life-threatening) circumstances, most people (especially women) DO care what their children are named. It's actually more surprising and weird to me that some parents are very blasé about it and don't seem to take it seriously. Under normal circumstances, I can't imagine letting someone else entirely choose my child's name with no input from me. I don't think that's being precious.

OP you sound every bit as bad as she is and immensely childish on top. I feel sorry for your DH and child.

Across many cultures, naming children after parents, grandparents, or other relatives was a long‑standing tradition. These naming patterns helped maintain family identity, honour ancestors, and create continuity across generations.

If you want to know more, Google it!

Your baby your choice. My first two didn't have grandparents parents names. My third did because my wonderful fil had died.

My grandchildren from one son, one has my name as a middle name. One has their FILs as a middle name and one mils as a middle name.

My other son the grandchildren theyre not named for anyone.

OP, you do sound at the end of your tether. It sounds as if karma has caught up with the MiL: sending an 8-year old to boarding school? No wonder there is such a distant relationship. Is the FiL in the picture? It would of course have been his decision too (and finances)

Plus when we are mothers, we are fiercely protective 😁

We were lucky in our way. We named our son my dad’s first name (he cried) and coincidentally it is also the same first name as DH late father. Winner. We had one hiccup in that we gave DS the middle name which was the first name of DH step father who had recently died. He had been DH step father for 25 years, taught him to shave and all those things. However this upset DH mum because it means our son has the same full name, first middle and last name as her ex husband (DH dad). Which she found odd. 4 years later she is now over it. She understands the reasoning.

DS has an older name which is my dad’s first name and also the first name of DH dad and grandad.

My mum was really helpful and went through my mil family tree and found instances of DS name (first and middle together) occurring in her family tree some generations back. This softened the blow a little. Could this be an idea?

We’re not aristocrats, far from it, but looking back over my family tree, every generation up to my grandfather (born in the 1920s) has the same first second and third name, that’s going about about 6 generations so unless they were just weirdos, I would conclude it was a common thing to do.

She cried?
That manipulative tactic would give me the rage

This is about more than the name thing. You simply hate her, she makes you feel uncomfortable, her very being irritates you.
she sounds like my MIL…
good for you standing up for yourself, I would personally message and say you are having a week just the three of you to establish your routine. You won’t be having visitors. You need a little time away from her! She won’t change, she will be this insufferable forever, she will lose interest though. We’re down to a half hour visit every week and that’s too much effort for her now.
good luck he’s your and DH baby, don’t let someone ruin the early days

No, this held across all classes in England from the 18th to 19th centuries. I’ve been studying my family tree back to the 16th century and have seen these naming patterns go across my working class and middle class ancestors. It makes genealogy very difficult:

first son - paternal grandfather
second son - maternal grandfather
third son - father
fourth son - father’s eldest brother

first daughter - maternal grandmother
second daughter - paternal grandmother
third daughter - mother
fourth daughter - mother’s eldest sister

If a baby died in infancy, it was very common for the next baby to take their name. Sometimes, there were three baby boys or girls, given the same name, because the first two had died young.

It was also common for at least one of the children to be given the mother’s maiden name as a middle name.

See:

https://englishancestors.blog/2020/04/01/english-naming-traditions/

Sometimes, it pays to have a bit of diplomacy with the PILs! Why raise the emotional temperature, when you don’t have to?

Why did your family care about the name, they were delighted?

Extremely interesting, but this hasn't been usual practice for a century or more, has it? I was responding to the point that MIL might have been expecting those rules to be followed in 2026.

Agatha is a very old fashioned name, though.

You sound deeply immature and downright unpleasant, yes she’s crossed a few boundaries but she is the baby’s grandmother and deserves some respect. And I didn’t get on with my MIL all the time but I wouldn’t ever have spoken about her like you have