To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

My eldest son is named after my dad & grandad and my second son is named after DH’s side of the family. They’re in their 20s now & nobody has ever had an issue with it.

There is no other reason for you to address me as though I’ve endorsed the mother in law’s behaviour other than you think that I do.

Thought it was both of your surnames? So first name - your side, second name - your side, surname - husband and again your side?
Sorry, I don't want to come across mean but it definitely feels a lot one-sided.

You can name your children as you wish but you must surely have realised giving him two names honouring your side of the family AND double-barrelling his surname with your family’s name would have caused friction with your husband’s side of the family.

Well you said you’re not surprised she cried so all I can take from that is there is endorsement there. The OP has outlined there is a history of overstepping, emotional manipulation and suffocating behaviour here. So I certainly wouldn’t use the presence of tears as any indication of wrongdoing on the part of the OP. Crocodile tears are a well-utilised manipulation tactic.

I was with you at first and wondered why you were getting a hard time. Then you made the contaminate comment which is awful. Now you're bleating on because a proud GM wanted to show all her FB friends her new DGS. Big deal. I can understand not wanting your DS posted continually, but a one-off picture of him days old is ok. No-one's going to recognise him from that picture. You're starting to sound unhinged.

Our grandchildren were named by their parents. We had no say in the matter, nor did we expect to.

I do hope that you are rewarded with a daughter in law who feels about you the same way you feel about your MiL.
That would be absolutely divine....

But she doesn’t owe me anything and I do not owe her anything. If she doesn’t like it she can go connect with her other grandchild… but their parents have boundaries too. She refuses to respect them. Our child isn’t her property, she’s will never make a decision on anything to do with our children. DH and I are in agreement on that. She should spend her retirement doing things, learning new skills, enjoying her money. We’ve never asked her for any money, we will never ask her for anything she should just stop trying to dictate how we live or the choices we make.

She needs to stop yes, the names have been chosen by the babies parents. Done.
But I can see her point, you’ve named a child with three names from your family line and none from the fathers, she naturally upset about it but one mention should’ve been enough. It’s a shame as your dislike for her really comes across in your posts.

She is upset because we do not need her. She wishes we were desperate for money so she can hold it against us. Her eldest son returned to her ALL the money he’s even given her because he realised. Most of the gifts she’s tried to give baby we have said no, he doesn’t need expensive stuff. She doesn’t care about him she cares about what she can later use to say “oh I got him this that the other” buy him simple gifts or do not bother is what I’ve told her.

Nope she did it more than once and she was warned. Baby cannot consent. There’s creeps on these sites. She has other grandchildren she has been warned before she knows neither of us wants our children who are still so little to be posted on social media. If that’s unhinged then so be it. I’m not the one crying over it.

I'm with you, OP, albeit a bit less aggressively!

DH and I are from different countries and cultures. We live in a third country, where DH grew up. His parents adopted this third country as their own, swear by it as the land of the free and the good, credit it with giving them everything they have. They suffered enormous racism and discrimination which they're so traumatized by that they won't even talk about it. But, whatever. Their life, their position, who am I to say anything.

I come from a country which has the opposite view of their adopted country. As in, diametrically opposite and was raised fully in that vein. Whatever, my life, my position, who is anyone to say anything.

When our DC were born, we chose names that were more or less from his culture and mine but could be easily pronounced in the adopted country (it wasn't easy!). One name can only be pronounced one way, realistically, and everyone pronounces it that way.

The second name - ooof! Many ways it could be pronounced, but DH and I pronounce it in a way that reflects its origins and our shared origins and whatever crossover of ethnicity. PIL? Absolutely, point blank refuse to employ that pronounciation, despite repeated reminders in the early years that that's not how the name is pronounced. It's like Sara: in England you'd say saa-raa, or seh-rer. But if DH were Israeli Jewish and I was Lebanese Arab, we'd have a different pronounciation (I don't know what because I'm not from there and this is just an example!). PILs INSIST on using the English pronounciation.

In my mind, I think this is all about them thinking they're helping their grandchild assimilate, not stand out, not be picked on etc - ignoring completely the child's skin colour, that DH and I are proud of who we are and where we come from and actively choose not to have our children fully assimilate to the extent of eradicating/Anglicizing their very identity. I just see them as cowards, ignorant and afraid. It doesn't bother me and DC are plenty old enough now to make their own choices.

Basically, it's all about them and lives in their heads. No skin off my nose if the DC is irritated by them. Live and let live, it never once occurred to me to accept it!

Also your surname, and both christian names from your side of the family. As a grand - grandmother I can see where she is coming from, a slight imbalance.

It’s good you all don’t mind your children being posted on social media. I do. That’s why we have free will, everyone can choose what they want to do. For us we don’t think an almost 3 week old can consent therefore we aren’t going to post them on any social media other family members have respected our choice, my parents have, it’s DHs mother that was so upset she cried.

I'm so sorry OP,
This is the bit where you and DH are supposed to be getting to know your baby and you are recuperating and getting into the swing of parenting. She is being incredibly overbearing and I'm not surprised you snapped at her.

It's none of her business whatsoever you name your child and she shouldn't have tried to interfere. Sometimes, whilst not ideal, being snapped at will be more effective for people like this with no boundaries. It's understandable that you're hormonal and frustrated if she is turning up each day.

I think at this point DH needs to speak to his mother and tell her to back off for a few days/ a week so you can settle as it's clearly causing you a lot of stress which isn't healthy for any of you.

Sending best wishes.

Good thing she’s got 7 other grandchildren. One who was born this year and she wasn’t at their house everyday getting in the way. She’s not really needed and I wish she’d see that and love baby from far away. She overwhelms me and hurts me often DH tries she doesn’t want to even respect his boundaries she doesn’t respect him or me.

Read up about narcissist families and enabler dads. Golden child and scapegoat
She's obviously trying to make your grandson her new golden child so she can manipulate and play games.
Just play it cordial and breezy
If she was upset from just the one thing that'd be fine but she's not acting our of good faith it seems

DH needs to set a day with her or say mum, you can't come over everyday, come over xyz day
Or go to lunch together with her so you're out of the house.
Or you can just reverse the roles and be bossy back to her! Lol
She will either sulk or get into line sharpish

She will probably lose interest if she is just using your son as a tactic to make the other siblings feel bad. But time will tell

I will say that even narcissistic people can still be loving just in their own way. And it's still nice to have relationships with her if she will just grumble and not try too much to meddle. After all everyone has some issues. As long as she is safe and looks after ds well, you will see as time goes on
I wouldn't start no contacting her or encouraging husband to, just take her as she comes and keep batting her back if it's too much. Clear communication from dh
He should maybe look into therapy or reading a few books on family dynamics and relationships as stuff may come up for him through being a father.

Maybe going forward you and your mil could find a better way of communicating with one another. All this aggression and bad feeling does bode well .

I never had any MIL problems — sadly, she died before we got married. But she was lovely and I cannot see she would have interfered in any way.
But my own DM really took against the name we chose for DS. It was ‘too Irish’ (DH’s background.)
Not that she offered any alternatives, apart from Sarah (!).
Anyway she soon came around after he was born and loved the name. It suited him and was absolutely right. He loves it too.

Of course you get to name your son but how would you feel if the baby had BOTH names from your husband's side ?
I think you are being unreasonable to not understand whay your mum in law is a bit miffed .

In your position she would not be welcome in my home

My MIL is a narcissistic. I am not a psychiatrist but she has lots of the trains. DH is the youngest and she wishes DH needed her but he doesn’t. He once said to me she could pass and he wouldn’t be phased same with his siblings. She just wants control and is upset that we don’t need her she tries to keep tabs but we don’t take anything from her.

DH didn’t want to name his son after narcissists. I asked him if he wanted to give him his fathers name as his middle name he said no he prefers my dad.

I would say that you are well matched, you sound as though you want complete control. As a matter of interest which surname is coming first?