Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

They can book their wedding for whenever they like, but neither of you have to go. Your DP can simply tell them that you are on a strict budget and do not have the spare cash to spend on attending their wedding as well as your own, so they can get stuffed.

YANBU. DP should tell them that the reason you are having a low key wedding is due to financial circumstances, which is why you're not expecting your guests to book accomodation or to pay for a stag do or to buy matching groomsmen suits. And that for the same reason, DP won't be able to afford to pay for accomodation or to pay for a stag do or to buy matching groomsmen suits for his friend's wedding.

Its your DPs friend, he needs to tell him. It doesn't sound like his friend is going to back down, or pay for stuff for just one groomsman,.so sounds like there will be lots of hidden cost expectations. I think he needs to say that he still loves him as a mate and can't wait to celebrate him getting married but he simply doesn't have the money to commit to being a groomsman so unfortunately will have to step away from doing that role if it comes with financial commitments but he will still be around to support his friend in other ways and hopes he is still welcome as a guest.

Someone that demands their friends pay a load of money to celebrate their milestones is not a decent person in my book

'We are delighted to have received an invitiation to you wedding, but regret we will be unable to attend as we will be on our honeymoon; therefore DP will also sadly have to decline your request for him to be a groomsman'.

That should do it.

This.

Your partner needs to speak to the stag and pull back from being a groomsman. It will just be snide comment after comment if he keeps the role but can’t afford all the extras.

Say something like ‘unfortunately due to all our expenses in the next year including the surgery I’m not going to be able to afford all the things you want to do. I don’t want to spoil your fun or excitement so I think it’s best I come as a regular guest.’

This man is no friend he is an entitled shit. As for them calling your wedding cheap, what rude, crass, horrible bastards.
You are having heart surgery in a few months as well. You partner is not getting paid.
Your husbands friends are horrible he needs to ditch them. These people will never get better or nicer.

Gosh, the entitled behaviour of some people is astounding. I would just very politely decline their invitation. You have enough on your plate to deal with, both emotionally and financially.

Agree with PP that they can book their wedding for whenever they like.

I don’t think your DP can afford to be a groomsman for them and that’s okay. He just needs to say ‘I’m really sorry, I’d love to be at your wedding to support you and see you get married but I can’t afford the extras that come with being in the wedding party right now’.

The groom sounds like a dick for saying that he wouldn’t pay for something anymore because your wedding is cheap 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ people have what they can afford.

You're on the waiting list for open heart surgery - that must be a hell of a thing to have hanging over you. I really hope it goes well. Personally, I wouldn't be afraid of citing that as a reason for ring-fencing time and money next year, after your own wedding and the family wedding you're already committed to. Your DP can say he's honoured to be asked to be an usher/groomsman, and you're both really looking forward to celebrating with them, but given that there's even a small chance he might not be able to be there on the day because you're recovering from open-heart surgery, he'd prefer to attend as a guest.

Yes. If your DP wants a polite out, rather than pointing out his pal is a dick, he could say he sadly can't commit to being a groomsman because of your upcoming surgery.

You lost your prime moment at the restaurant. That would have been the time to retort that "our wedding is cheap because that's in our budget. That doesn't mean there is somehow more money for your wedding! And we aren't cutting our wedding, honeymoon or any other pre-committed plans to free up cash. Out view is thst if you're hosting a wedding, you're hosting a wedding, not asking for contributions. We'd be thrilled to attend as guests but we can't afford new suits and accommodation to he part of the wedding party and stag dos abroad."

I agree with your partner stepping down as groomsman, and very bluntly telling them why

Don’t worry about it. Continue planning your honeymoon as previously intended, and if it clashes with their wedding, simply rsvp no. It’s an invitation, not a summons.
they knew your wedding date before booking theirs, it’s on them.

Ushers. Missing the point. Deffo decline OP.

Are they spending any money on your wedding?

There are no need for any dramatics just say that your partner can’t commit as you might be having surgery and that you cant spend that amount of money. It’s simple. There is nothing wrong with the friend booking his wedding when he wants though.
Don’t get into arguments. Just repeat that you are sorry but you can’t commit to anything at that time.

They can book their wedding for when they like but they can't dictate what you should and should not be doing

I'd cut anyone out of my life who was this pushy and entitled and I wouldn't give a fuck what their reaction was. In fact the more angry they get about it the better, means they won't get back in touch in the future. Win win.

Silly comments from them, but you there's no need for arguments or dramatics, and they can get married whenever they like.

Everything they are asking of you is optional – you just have to grow a back bone in saying no. It's as simple as that. If they get annoyed with you, then so be it. You don't need friends like that, so nothing lost.

I was going to ask this too but in the face of it yanbu. I would say as others have you would love to attend as a guest but can’t afford to be a party of the formal party.

Your husband is being pushed and he's going to have to assert himself strongly because this guy is aggressive. He's going to have to refuse to be a groomsman, this guy sounds like a bully.

This guy isn't a friend. If he was, he would understand you guys are on a budget. He's super entitled and thinks he's the center of the universe.

Definitely just get your partner to say you can't commit to anything else next year due to your surgery. That fact can't be argued with. Wishing you every happiness for your own marriage and also wishing you well for your surgery, fingers crossed the wait isn't too long.

If you book your wedding immediately after someone else's, there is a good chance that couple may not be able to go. YANBU.

You might also need to save for bespoke travel insurance with the medical conditions you've mentioned.

This. Your DH has to say sorry can’t attend stag then. Just be polite and honest x