DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Most of the women I’m friends with had their 1st after 32.
dont any more time on him, the quicker you end it the quicker you can start to get over the heartbreak and the betrayal.

You're currently younger than the average age to have a first child, more than a quarter of children are born to mum's over 35 and predictions for girls born in the last decade or two is an average age of first birth at 35.

I had my first at 40. It was a bit on the old side for me, as physically I feel it, wish I'd had them about 5 years earlier, but generally I think being a bit older than average has a lot of advantages.

It's been noticeable at all my kids schools that the older mums tend to be the least frazzled and most confident (which isn't a slight on the younger mums, just a normal product of getting older - they'll be the same too, when they reach the same age). There are, of course, advantages to being younger. Physically it's easier. And you have more time once they've grown when you're physically capable of enjoying life a bit a more.

What I'm trying to say is - don't let concern about not having kids for a few more years make this worse for you. There are advantages and it's much, much better to have kids with the right partner than the wrong one.

Gave me the only laugh I’ve had today, thanks.

You are ok, worry if you get to 40 without them. Yes it would obviously be better for you if you already had a partner that wanted to have children while you are in your prime, but many many women on here have had children in the late 30s, and even well into their 40s.

2 years from now you might have met the one, and be pregnant…but you will never know if you waste time with someone who wants different things than you do,

There are many of us who started again in our late twenties after splitting with partners who refused to have children with us. My husband managed to wait a few weeks before getting his new gf pregnant and moving her into our house, while I stayed in my mum's spare room.

That summer, I met the love of my life, was proposed to within two weeks and wondered what took him so long. We have two magnificent daughters, who are our pride and joy.

It can happen for you too, just take the first step.

Don't beat yourself up OP. But do move on asap.

And when you tell him you are breaking up be prepared for him to say that ok he will consider having children. All that will do is waste another 5 or more years of your life before he finally says no. you are so so young - you don't need this shit.

You’re not an idiot ❤️

Do not waste another ovulation cycle on this deadbeat of a man!
He may well tell you he now wants children with you when he realises its a deal breaker but will string you along for years to come so that he keeps his 'nanny with a fanny' only to tell you that hes changed his mind again!
Run for the hills and save your eggs for a loving, decent man!

Good old bait and switch

This!!!!

Trust me OP, 29 is sooo young.

I had my first baby at 35 and I was average in my friend group.
i have 3 xx

@stepparenthelp
every day you stay

your giving away your fertility

every single day. It’s why it’s called a biological clock

don’t give it away to a man who was trying to do that to you

don’t be sad
be angry and relieved

angry cos he’s future faked you
relived because he ain’t smart enough to keep up the lie

I know I need to be strong 😢😢 and not fold if he ‘changes his mind’.

If he wanted kids with me, we would make it work. We have a combined income of £170k. We are not struggling financially 😔

Ah OP you know what you need to do. At least you hadn’t actually moved in together or joint finances/got married (although that’s stings at the moment it will be a great relief in the future. I had my first at 35, second at 37 and I am by no means the oldest mum at the school gates.

You still have time. It’s okay. And… you don’t need to follow the traditional timeline of two years then engagement then wedding then baby.

Haha, second post to make me laugh with the ovulation and egg comment. Thank you.

Oh and just to add, my ex strung me along for 15 fucking years saying that we would eventually start a family..... the cunt then changed his mind.
Luckily I was able to conceive at 42 with my lovely husband but I very nearly missed the boat!

You need to choose. Him or a family.

Tbf i think hes been decent in so far as hes realised he doesnt want more baby years and said BEFORE you moved in.

So now baring that in mind what do you want?

Sorry OP but theres no alternative than a choice of what you want more

Sounds like you never argue because he just lies when you won't like his point of view

I divorced at 29 with no children. I had my child just before I turned 35.

There are plenty of men your age that do not come with the complications of step-children.

Most people in my peer group didn’t even think about having children until their 30s. Many had first children in their 40s. We are in our 50s now so that trend has only grown.

This is a deal breaker !
you’re so young. You’ll find a childless man your own age to have children with.
i had my first baby at 35 and my last baby at 44!

A college friend of mine didn't marry until she was 38 and went on to have two children. She's now a happy grandmother. The average age of first time mothers has been rising for many years and is now nearly 30, which means there are lots of 30-something first time mothers. My mother was 30 when she had me just after the war and went on to have 3 more children. Lots of time for you, OP.

I met my DH when I was 34. We were engaged 10 weeks after our first date. Had my first baby at 36. Had twins at 37 1/2 and another set at almost 39 almost 40. There are good men out there that want a commitment and a family. I was sure that by being that age I would marry someone divorced with children but somehow I got extremely lucky. Unmarried and childless which was not really important but made starting a family less stressful.

I met my husband when I was 29. Married at 32 and first child at 33. My best friend met her husband at 32 and is pregnant with her first child at 38.

You’re still in your prime - why settle for someone who, as you say, is expecting you to help raise his kids but won’t have any with you. End it.

I’m so sorry - he’s future faked you. He knew you wanted kids so made you believe he did too to get you on the hook and reel you in. He needed a partner who likes kids because step 2 was to get you to take over the parenting of his existing children. Step 3 was move you in and voila - he has his nanny with a fanny. He’s only revealed now that he “might” not want more kids and is saying he’s on the fence because he realises you will leave if he says 100% no. Don’t move in with him - he’s likely the sort that would get a secret vasectomy.

You are worried about how long it will take to meet someone and be in a position to have kids with them - but if you stay with this man, you will NEVER have your own children. It will hurt to end it now, but not as much as if you wait in the hope he will change his mind. 29 is a great age to start looking for someone new, many men are starting to mature at that age and actually think about. Evening a father. Consider how old your DP was when he had his children!

Find a man without children - don’t play second fiddle to someone else’s. Ask yourself which you would regret more - staying with someone and definitely not having your own children or leaving him now, being hurt for a few months, then having the opportunity to look for a man who will want a family with you (or worse case go it alone with IVF). One way there’s a risk you end up childless, but the other you are guaranteed to end up childless.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you need to hear the harsh reality so you don’t get suckered in due to feelings of love.

I don't think he is the man you thought he was, he has been critical of you as a 'step parent' but most of all he has led you on.
Don't compromise on such a massive potential part of your life-which you can do alone should you choose to do so.
He seems untrustworthy.
You are still young.

Yes - I had my first at 33yrs old.

It may not feel like it right now, but this is a blessing. He told you BEFORE you moved in together, he told you BEFORE you married him. For that, he's done the right thing.

I think you should break up with him and move on. He's wanting you to step up to play mum to his children by the sounds of it (most men with children from previous partners do), I can see why you'd resent that whilst he denies you your own children.

You're still young enough to start over with someone else, without children and preferably with a smaller age gap - then you'll be in similar stages of life.

I met my DH completely unexpectedly, after I'd ended my first marriage, thinking I'd never have children. You never know what's around the corner, so don't go getting stressed that you'll remain childless.