DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

He wants you to be more involved by taking over his duties as their actual father. Their homework is his job, spending time with them is his job.

Look you are young and he thinks you’ll be his nanny. Just leave, you can have a future with someone who hasn’t already got kids and actually wants them too.

Also date men your own age, and try not to have children before marriage, if you do make sure you are personally financially solid and able to manage entirely on your own if need be.

Don’t be sorry, I needed to hear that. Thank you.

You’re 29! You’ve got plenty of time. My partner left me when I was in my 30s. He got someone else pregnant when we were trying for a baby. I was devastated. Took me 5 years to even date again. I had my first baby with new man when I was 42.

I’m not suggesting you take quite as long as I did to date again! But you don’t need to put a timetable to your future plans. Don’t think ‘I have to date for a year and be engaged for 2 years before I get married and have a baby’. Just leave this CF and start dating again.

It may not feel like it now but you have dodged a bullet. He’s 10 years older than you. That age gap will feel much bigger the older you get. Find someone around your own age who hasn’t had kids yet. Enjoy having a baby with someone where it’s ’the First’ for both of you.

Find your anger! How dare he expect you to act as mother, teacher and nanny to his children but refuse to have a child with you. Unbelievable! Tell him to jog on. And MEAN IT! He’ll keep coming back saying he’s on the fence, wasting your time.

Rip the plaster off. Move on. Life WILL be better without him. I actually don’t believe his 2nd child was unplanned either. He’s being incredibly disrespectful to the mother of his children. You do know that that’s how he’ll treat you if you have a baby don’t you?

Run! Run as fast as you can!

You love him enough , he doesn’t love you enough. You are SO young. Ditch him and move on. Don’t become a stepmother for his children and forgo your hopes of becoming a mum!

Walk away. I've had two colleagues in the last few years who has future faking partners (with no SDC). One I still work with & it breaks my heart to hear her still say 'when' at 40. They have been married 15 years. Both were married & their DH's promised but always had an excuse to move the goal further away. I ran into the other a couple of years ago, she's now late 40's and it never happened.

My SIL demanded it (has two SDC) & it broke their marriage. They ended up back together but she does everything. Her DH b*tched when she broke her leg & he had to drive their DS to his activity once a week.

So you need to be free of being a nanny & find a childless man to enjoy a relationship, wedding and kids. No spare parts necessary.

Yes. At 39. All my friends from my antenatal group are over 40 with babies under one, except one who is mid-thirties. Three of them are closer to 45. It’s very common.

What I will say is that it’s also really common at every age to think it’s ’too late’. At 29, you naturally think this because you’re no longer, say, 25. At 35, you will look back at 29 and think you had all the time in the world. While waiting until late thirties to have a baby does reduce your chances somewhat, the significant majority of women are still pregnant within a year of starting to try. Twenty-nine is still very young in terms of meeting a new partner and having babies.

Another way of looking at it is that he doesn’t want children, so if you stay with him, you definitely won’t have them (not the traditional way, anyway!) , but if you leave you’re giving yourself the chance of the life you want.

Look up ‘sunk cost fallacy’ - the fallacy that because you’ve invested a certain amount (in this case time) you lose too much by leaving.

30 is a good age to meet your partner.

Most of my friends met their husbands around that age, as did I.

We don't have children (our choice) but friends do.

It doesn't seem like it now but you have plenty of time. But the main thing to do is cut loose from the dead weight to give yourself the freedom to find the one for you.

Little different because he didn’t already have kids, but I lost my 20s to a “Peter Pan” type. He didn’t treat me badly and we had a great time so it was very hard to leave. Throw a severe long term health condition into the mix and I was 100% sure I’d be alone forever. My kids were born when I was 33 and 37. I’m not a step parent and I am the same age as most other moms where I live, really love my husband, no regrets! As above look up sunk cost fallacy ^^

The critique of my step-parenting did come as a shock. I’ve always made a massive effort with the kids. I make them Easter, Halloween and valentines baskets. Make sure that we have the ingredients for the dinners they like. When we go on holidays or trips away I always take one child and he has the other.

The children have always been very comfortable with me but his reasoning for me being more ‘involved’ was that it made the children uncomfortable when I was sat in bed or in the living room which doesn’t make sense because if they wanted my company they used to come and speak to me.

I’ve just read that back 🤦🏼‍♀️ thanks to the poster who said I’m not stupid but I’m feeling it right now.

How can you never argue and yet have been told to parent his children...you didn't react to that absolute cheek??

He's a future maker OP...don't build anything with this one

I met my husband when I was 34 (he was 44 and already had 2 DC), had our DD when I was 36 and our DS when I was 40. You have plenty of time to find someone who deserves you…

Excellent advice

Even besides you wanting your own child... I'd fuck him off for what he said to you about stepping up more and doing the homework.
I don't comment often, but do the right thing and leave.

Blessing in disguise, dump, you will avoid the big age gap, and being a step-parent. You are young enough to start again even if painful in the short term.

I think when he is talking finances he is more thinking of having to pay more maintenance if you split and possibly doing more solo parenting with another child which he apparently can’t be arsed doing now with the two he has presumably part time.
He is thinking of himself not as a family unit.

@stepparenthelp it’s hard raising children so I can understand why he wouldn’t want to start over when he has two already and they’ll both be 18+ by the time he’s 51. He can probably see the light at the end of the tunnel already. He is getting older, so it’s tiring too, if he has a child with you he’ll be parenting a minor until he’s 60, it’s just not appealing.

You’re young, and have only been together 24 months, that’s not very long at all. Go find someone closer to your own age with the same wants as you.

I couldn’t imagine how my life would be without my children so I think absolutely following your dreams is the right thing to do.
maybe being honest with him and saying you don’t see a future without children therefore the right thing for you is to move on as painful as it is.

Everything you said is reasonable.

Going against the grain with the 'only 29' comment. The OP is not exactly young when it comes to finding a new man, maybe getting married, and then eventually having kids... Starting over at nearly 30 is going to leave her not having children possibly by her mid 30s and her fertility waning fast.

If she dumps this man, then she could take several years to find someone else, and who's to say he won't change his mind about having children (if he does even want them!)

I would be furious @stepparenthelp but I do find your attitude towards his children a bit cold. You are clearly not suited, and this relationship is not going anywhere good anytime soon IMO. You sound very resentful and angry. Maybe with good reason, but I can't see you both lasting much longer. It stinks what he has done though.

There's really no advice anyone can give you, but YANBU to be very angry. The best of your childbearing years are pretty much 80% gone.

He’s punching, he knows he is, you know he is. You are still young, you have a good income- freeze some days if need be.
I had my first child at 39, DM at 36, multiple work colleagues at 35 - 43 ish.
You could try an ultimatum, but honestly he doesn’t sound too honest or reliable or hands on with the kids he has. He wants a nanny by the sounds of it, almost prove you can look after my kids and I’ll think about it. He’s been cruel. It’s a massive decision, he should never have agreed to kids- it’s not like he doesn’t know what it entails.

Oh what rubbish.

It’s so easy for people to say dump him, block him etc.
but you love him
and you’re heartbroken.
Once you’ve accepted the situation you’ll know what you need to do.
but please don’t let him gaslight you.

He isn't "on the fence". He's said no. Don't stay. He's going to waste the rest of your childbearing years.

You might not think you're young, but believe me, you really are! I'm guessing the impending 30 isn't making you feel any better but you do have plenty of time! That said, you need to leave enough time to end this relationship respectfully, meet someone else, then decide they'd make a good father.

I only had one child, and met my second partner too late to have any with him, sadly (fibroids put paid to that) but I'm so grateful for the one I have. If that's what you want, this man is not for you.

@Glitchymn1 Only around 4% to 8% of frozen human eggs will result in a baby...

I love and care for his children very much. They refer to me as family. What on earth have I said that comes across as ‘cold’?

If you want children you have to end the relationship. He already has two. At least he has told you know while you are still young.
Don't stay with him thinking he will change his mind. He isn't the right person for you to have children with