DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

I am having my first child and I am 37 :)

This - because if you spend any time on MN you will see that blended/second families are complicated, often conflict-filled, and there will always be issues with fairness/the ex, especially when it comes to inheritance issues or sending your children to private schools etc.

Find someone without kids who really - enthusiastically - wants them.

I know it feels like this now, and that’s completely understandable. Here are some positive stories for you;
my Mum left her partner and met my Dad at 35 then had 3 kids. Two of my friends met partners in late 30’s and had first babies aged 42. Another friend of mine works with a woman who had a baby at 50!!!! She thought it was the menopause and I would never have believed this if I didn’t hear it from my very trusted friend.

All this to say I’m so sorry this has happened but you probably have much more time than you think. Most likely you’ll look back and be so pleased things went the way they did. It’s tough now though, look after yourself and try to trust that it will work out.

This 100%, read it again OP.

He said what he needed to say to get what he wanted, do not be fooled or reeled back in.

My kids are a similar age to his and I'm a couple of years older than him. Like hell would I entertain doing the baby and toddler stage again just as its getting easier! Most people, male and female, would think the same.

You are very lucky that he wasn't smart enough to hide it for longer, frankly.

If you stay with him you will be an unpaid skivvy to his kids and have none of your own. That is reality.

You should be angry at being played, though of course sadness is a very reasonable response.

Walk away.

Also things move faster the older you get. You don’t have time to moon around for years like when you are 21.

We got together in the Feb he moved in in the May we got engaged a few months later wedding a few months after that then baby. When you know you know.

I know a few friends that this has happened to
and it’s text book

he absolutely will absolve himself of anything child related if you have a child with him

you might as well be a single mum and sometimes it’s a lot easier to be a single mum than it is to be with a man that makes it clear that he only had a baby with you cos you wanted one

My friend was 30 and with a man promising her the world with marriage and kids and she found of he had a secret child from another woman that he had nothing to do with. She told me that ‘hopefully it will be different with her kids and she didn’t have much choice because she is already 30’
I’ll save you the dressing down I gave her because I don’t know you like that but please don’t let age make you accept less than you are worth.
Also and maybe it’s controversial but I do think when you are getting into the 40 category it’s getting too old to be having a newborn. I think he’s made the right call but went around it a messed up way

Put yourself 1st. Get rid of him. He doesn’t love you as much as you him.
you will regret not having children and resentful of him and his ready made children (that he thinks you should parent on his behalf) why didn’t it work out with him & their mum?
anyway! I had my 1st at 34 and my 2nd at 41. I couldn’t find a man that I wanted to be the father of my/our children, so I did it solo. Best decision EVER!
whether you meet somebody new or go it alone you won’t have regrets.
but if you stay with him & no baby or even if he agrees to having a baby with you, he’ll contribute nothing/ say it’s what YOU wanted and IMO that’s harder that going into parenting solo from the off.
be brave, rip the plaster off and let him go (don’t listen to his back tracking either!)

So, just to clarify, both of his current children were born after he was wearing a condom every time he had sex with his girlfriend, but somehow she got pregnant, TWICE?

Ummmm, you know that’s BS don’t you? He probably wasn’t using contraception either time, and if you’re not using contraception then you’re effectively trying for a baby. Meaning that neither was “unplanned” he just didn’t wrap it up.

But, that aside, he doesn’t want you to get pregnant, but he does want you to care for his existing kids; now there’s a surprise, not 🙄

Another man who doesn’t want to wear a condom, and also wants women to deal with the resulting children.

Leave him. There are plenty of younger men without DC who will be much better suited to you.

I met DH at 33, married 35, kids age 37 then 39. I know how you feel re age but you do have time. Sorry you're going through this, I've had that same feeling xx

He was future faking to get you to the moving-in-together stage. Next would be the you-minding-the-kids-while-I-pursue-my-hobbies stage.

Fortunately for you, he blew it by introducing the topic of not wanting any more children prematurely.

You are lucky he had been honest - he could have done what a guy did to a young relative of mine in a very similar situation. They moved in together when shecwas in her 20's, he led her to believe they would start a family when his children were a little older/less dependent, had her helping him raise them for a decade, then broke of the relationship when she was 35.

Move on asap, op. You’re young! Dont let him string you along any longer than he already has.

Please can someone put this to music? Punk maybe. Definitely energetic not breathily wistful.

I’m so sorry OP.

But I know two women at work who this happened to. Smart, lovely women. One was even married to the sod and he strung her along for YEARS.
Both of them found a lovely person later on and both had a child / children with them and are v happy now. This happened later on to them - they were more mid 30s when it went belly up, and they still managed it. So just to give you positive stories.

I'd listen to Affable. I think she is absolutely right in everything she said. You are too young to commit to this deal.

I had my first age 34 and my second age 39. You've got time. Don't fall for the sunk cost here, your partner has lied to you about wanting children and he thinks you are far enough in that it now won't matter that he's changed his tune.

Walk away and find what you want

People can change their mind. It's much better that he's figured this out now and has told you before you commit. Obviously you can't move on while you process this, and if you need to have kids then you'll need to call it a day.

Do not try to change his mind, it'll be something he'll regret later and won't make for a happy partner/parent.

I would end it. What he seems to be saying is he doesn't want anymore children, he has two already. However he would really like you to "mother" his existing children. Saves him the effort. Likely that he told you he wanted children with you because he thought that was what you wanted to hear. I'm sorry OP it must be devastating but realistically do you want the scenario he is proposing? It doesn't sound like you do so best to end it straight away.

My exh revealed his true self and I divorced him.
Remarried and and a dc at 43. Op you have loads of time.

I am also very angry. I feel like a complete idiot, to be honest. Such a cliche - 10 year age gap, kids from a previous relationship, constant messages and calls to the ex, being asked to step up and do more. I am an idiot. I just didn’t see it at the time because I cared so deeply for him.

He wants you for sex and company not children. Sorry, move on.

XSIL changed his mind after he and DD were married. Throw this one back OP. You just don't have the same goals.

OP, I never usually comment (long time lurker) but I felt I should as I was in almost the exact same situation a few years ago (but no step kids). My long term partner suddenly changed his mind about having kids and we split up just before my 29th birthday. I’m about to turn 33 and have been with a wonderful partner who makes me incredibly happy for a couple of years now, and we will be trying for a baby next year. It’s so hard to be in the position you are in now, but you owe it to yourself to step away and find a partner who wants the same things as you.

Never thought of myself as a song writer 😂