DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Ps: I know you don’t feel “only 29”, that’s the paradox of being young - it’s impossible to appreciate it until you’re not. But you are very very young. Life is long. Be bold. Trust yourself.

You will end up splitting
either because your smart and you leave to find happiness and a child with someone elsr

or you stay ( stupid) don’t have a child or have one and he resents it
so you split up anyone

He’s not wrong not to want more kids, you’re not wrong to want them. Fundamentally you are incompatible and it’s best to split up

I had my first age 36. It's not a big deal.

Deciding who you have children with is THE most important decision of your life. Seriously. Have kids with a lazy arse, a liar or an abusive man will ruin your life.

Don't waste time on losers. Be picky. Move on from this prick. Get dating.

Thank you 😢❤️

Well he’s hardly father of the year though! He’s had two children with a woman he’s not in a relationship with anymore and he says they weren’t even planned. And now he can’t even be arsed with them. That’s not what you want for your own child.

No sod him. It’s within his gift to solve the whole issue and he’s choosing not to!

Call his bluff and say right we are getting married and having a baby next year or that’s it. And mean it. A family member did this and it worked. She was genuinely prepared to walk though. Also he was same age and no kids of his own.

So you dont want anything to do with his kids but want him to give you some,

End it asap & quickly find someone who wants kids with you, preferably who doesn’t already have kids.

I would do this and see what he says but my fear is that we get married and then I’m trapped and still no baby.

Too many men seem to say they'd like more DC but it's a way of keeping you in the relationship, he knew if he said he was done you'd run for the hills. He made it work first time because he wanted DC, now he's happy with what he has, it's no reflection on you Op, he's just changed his mind now he thinks he's got you. I'm sure yoi're disappointed but leaving will be less painful in the end

He'll be easy to get over op. He really isn't who you thought he was.
He future faked you.

He wants you to help him raise his dc because he's too lazy to do it himself.

Sadly you will quickly be replaced.

Which will confirm he was using you.

I had my first at 40 (IVF) and second at 42 ( happy accident).

You will go on to meet someone who wants what you want. Walk away now. Its sad but your futures don't align. Don't waste your childbearing years raising another woman children so he can parent less. You can love him but you need to love yourself more.

Emotionally blackmailing someone into having a child they don’t want will never end well

Another pretty cutting response about the replacement but again thank you, probably what I need right now 😭😭 I do feel like he has future faked slightly. Hate that I am in this position.

I’m really happy you got your babies ❤️

It’s not emotional blackmail though is it. It’s saying what you want. If he doesn’t want the same thing you need to flush that out. And soon.

I didn’t even meet DH until I was 33 , married within 8 months , and first son 10 months later , second baby a couple of years later and still happy over 30 years later
@stepparenthelp you’re the same age as my DD , don’t settle for him , there’s someone out ther much better for you

Move on, do not waste your time with someone who doesn’t want what you want. He already has two so doesn’t have the desire like you do. Please leave the relationship as he is unlikely to ever change his mind. You may be heartbroken now but if you leave it another 5 years, you’ll regret and resent him.

He’s made his stance clear: 1. he feels too old 2. He’s already got kids so doesn’t care having any more 3. He can’t afford more kids 4. He wants you to do mothering to his existing kids. 5. He’s already explained his many reasons why he doesn’t kids.

But he has clearly said he doesn’t want more children, no flushing out required. That’s the whole point of the post

Wait! On another thread almost everybody was telling me I am a cunt for saying biological children and stepchildren are different. So, chill - you already have 2 children, only they are not biological, right?

On a serious note - run away - run away - you are so young!!!!! You can have your glorious children and be so, so, so happy!

Oh gosh most people I know had their first past 32. I was 31 and a lot of my friends had kids at around the same or a little earlier but I was the second youngest in my NCT group. Most are late 30s. I know someone who had a baby in their early 40s and another late 40s!! 29 is honestly very young. Do your friends all already have kids?

I met my DH a week before my 30th birthday (he is 5 years younger), married at 32, DS1 at 34 and DS2 at 37 (which is average ages among my friends)

Don’t give yourself any “rules” about how long you’ll need to get over this time waster - just get on with getting out and living life
Try the new things, say yes to any and every suggestion and see where it takes you

I had my kids at 36 &38. No big deal.i waited for the right man to be a present and hands on dad. Not one I had step up as a step mum to his kids first before he thought about our kids.