DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

I was 40 when I had mine! Great pregnancy, and I love being a mum.

Oh my dear, you are so young! (Who was it said "youth is wasted on the young"?).

I was 38 (nearly 39) when I had my first baby. You have plenty of time.

I agree with the poster who said don't rush. Give yourself time to grieve for the future you thought you had and get yourself into a good psychological state before you start dating again.

Hi @stepparenthelp I got to page 9 of comments and couldn’t see anyone mention this, but it sounds like you have a healthy income so just put aside a pot of money to get your eggs frozen by 33 if you’re not in a very serious relationship at that point.

You may never need it, but it will probably take the pressure off a bit if you’re dating into your mid 30s.

For the record, I met my partner at 39 and we had our son when I was 41 and he was 43.

We’re one of the oldest first time parents we personally know but most of them were in their 30s when they had kids, many mid-late 30s.

You want children he doesn't want any more. You need to.part company.

My relationship with my ex broke down at 28, I’d also had 3 miscarriages with him and none of us had children. Met my current partner at 29 and we have just had a baby together and I’m 33.
I expected to be single a lot longer as previous to my ex I’d been single 4 years despite dating but I went into dating being a lot more sure of what I want, me and my current partner also had the chat about wanting children early on. He’s 38, he was 33 when we met and also didn’t have children but wanted them.

Two of my best friends had babies at 33 and they are very happy. One of my best friends is 35 and planning on having a baby in the next year or two. One of my friends is 39 and planning to have a baby at 40!

You’ll love your future babies more than this man op. Leave him and find someone honest who cherishes you. My first baby was at 33, second at 35 and planning my third at 38 x

I don't recall OP saying she wanted nothing to do with his kids.

@stepparenthelp "I’ve always made a massive effort with the kids. I make them Easter, Halloween and valentines baskets. Make sure that we have the ingredients for the dinners they like. When we go on holidays or trips away I always take one child and he has the other."

OP, you're in love with the man he showed you in the beginning. Its important to realise though that in relationships, it's not about how they start, it's about what they continuously show. Don't allow the person he ONCE WAS be the reason you let your future get ruined. Concentrate on person he has become.

I agree with others, you're not too old to start again. I had my DC when I was 35 and 37. They're now 25 and 27 themselves and neither settled down, let alone thinking of families. Many women have their children later nowadays, so please don't think this relationship is your only chance.

First child at 34, you have plenty of time OP - as hard as it will be to walk away, do not waste any more on this man.

He didn't 'change his mind', he just told you what you wanted to hear so you would move in together and look after his kids for him.

This must be very painful but block and move on. He is a liar.

A close friend of mine had this happen to her, she helped her ex rear his children well but he just dangled the idea of them having children together until she was too old - then he dumped her once his kids were teens. She would have been such a great Mum.

You need to hold your head up high, find your anger and contempt and leave him in the dust. He’s a user.

He was never going to be the dad you want. He wants you to look after his current kids and will expect you to do all of the work with any children you would have had together. He's got a nerve saying he can't go through the baby stage again. I bet his ex knows how many times he got up with them.

Show him your post on here and ask for his response. He is being unfair to you and selfish

Leave him. I had a relationship break down at 28, had 3 children with somebody else by the age of 40. There is still time to find somebody else and move on. Don’t stay. He will not give you children

I’ve just seen you’re still active on this post @stepparenthelp… Do it today. Don’t put it off. Make the call. The rest of your life is waiting for you to arrive.

OP you have so much time! I had my children at 33 and 35 and was only middle of the road age wise in my NCT group. My good friend had her girls at 38 & 40 - both healthy no complications pregnancies.

You have time to grieve this relationship and start dating again. You don't have to rush it.

I fucking hate when they do this. Not quite the same but DP said to me a few months ago he doesn’t know yet if he wants kids. I said to him, but you said you DID want kids? What the fuck is the change about? So we split up. Few weeks later we got back together but I said to him, I’ll only get back with you if you know that I will be having children before I’m 35, and you have to be on the same page. He says okay, he is, let’s go for it.

so, I put my foot down. I love DP so much and I know he loves me, but I love myself more and I know what I want. I told him this and he seemingly agreed so what more can I do? I’m 30 now and 31 in Feb. If another two years pass and there is no ring and no baby; I’m gone. We’ve been together a year but I knew what I wanted out of my future and I’ll not let someone take that away from me. He knew when he got with me, that’s what I wanted. I’m willing to give it a chance because I’m still young af but I won’t stay forever if it’s not coming.

in your case there’s already children here and as you say you don’t want to be a spare part raising another woman’s kids. Too right, I’d leave for that reason. You will absolutely find someone who wants babies with you, bin this one off.

I left a LTR with a lovely man at 28, because I just felt we weren't going anywhere. I moved far away on an absoute whim at 29, thoroughly intending to have some fun, a few flings and not even consider a relationship. By a quirk of fate, I met my now husband and had moved in with him within 6 months. I had my baby at 36. A couple of decades later and I couldn't be happier and so glad things worked out the way they did. 29 is so young, even though I know you don't feel it is, you have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be with someone who isn't a lying toad.

Not to sound harsh…but neither of the DCs that he does have were planned. This man has never been involved in an intentional pregnancy. He’s not going to start now.

Yes. One of my closest friends and I both met our husbands in our late 30s, and had a child at 41 with no trouble conceiving and no issues during pregnancy. I’ll caveat that though, by saying that both couples are non-smokers, moderate drinkers, and have hobbies that encourage lots of exercise and sensible eating, and none of us have underlying health issues, and that probably helped a lot.
There’s time. Be kind to yourself.

Been in an almost identical situation to you. He randomly one day once I was living with him backed down on wanting kids. I knew it was a complete deal breaker and left. It's utterly heartbreaking but you deserve the life you want and when you meet the right person and have children you'll be glad all this happened.

Also, although you sound like you are lovely stepmum, you deserve someone who will also experience having kids for the first time as well and not having any ties to an ex.

The fact that he can turn around within weeks of saying he wants a baby to now saying he doesn't tells you his true character. That's very impulsive and not to be trusted. You can't rely on a man like that. It might not seem like it now but I think you've had a lucky escape!

My step brother is 51 he’s got a 2 year old and a 5 year old with his 40 year old partner
he has a 23 year old from his first marriage but he had a ten year relationship with a woman in between having both these families

she was 34 and he was late 30’s by the time it ended - he said he was too old for more kids and she wasted all those years and eventually left
she’s got a son now but what really stung was the fact that late on his his 40’s he had 2 more children
I always felt so bad for his middle relationship she wanted a child so bad and he said yes then he said no and wasted so many of her child bearing years

I think this man isn’t for you
you won’t be able to stomach being step mum forever with no children of your own
dating is hard but at 29 you absolutely can find a single childless man
I wish you all the luck in the world

I'm sorry but for your own sake you need to move on and do it quickly. If he then says he changed his mind again I would ignore him

You need to learn about fertility and quickly because something in your educational background has gone awry if you think women can't have children after 30.