DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Exactly this. At your age why are you with a divorcee?

Yep!

I'm child-free and when I was dating it was really, really easy to just... not date men with kids.

I know some people (saints) who have really embraced the step-parenting role and are very good at it - they are more-the-merrier types who love being part of big families, and they have a lot of love to give even to kids who aren't related to them. If you don't have that personality (I certainly don't) I just can't fathom why you'd choose that life for yourself.

Nailed it!

God he didn’t even want you sitting down 🚩🚩🚩
This man would have made you his personal flunkie while also leaving you to work full time and do all the kid stuff. MASSIVE BULLET DODGE

I had mine way after that! I split up with my long term partner at 25 and I was devastated, I couldn’t see a future with him but was so scared of starting again and missing the chance to have a family (something that was incredibly important to me too), I was then single for 10 YEARS! Absolutely refused to settle, 90% of the time I would refuse even a second date, and I sadly convinced myself that children was not on the cards for me, before meeting my partner at 35, knew he was the one immediately, I messaged my best friends WhatsApp group the night I met him and told them I’d fallen in love at first sight (very unlike me). Had my first child at 37 and second at 39 and oh my gosh I thank my lucky stars everyday that I did not stay in that previous relationship!

Looks like your DP wants to foist the hard work of raising his DC onto you! Time to move on & find a childless man who wants kids. Don’t waste your time on this man unless you’re happy to sacrifice having your own family. It won’t end well.

But he literally hasn't been dishonest? He's told her he's changed his mind which is... honesty, not dishonesty.

That would assume he was being honest about wanting children with OP at the beginning. My point was that men in this situation often pretend they want more children at the start of the relationship even if they don’t.

OP I had my first at 32, I now feel that was comparatively young given the stages my friends are at now…! You won’t feel old.

Several women I know had given up on dating in despair before marrying lovely men through friends or family or work. I don’t get the appeal of trying it on with strangers. When you’re ready, let people know you’re looking.

If he wanted help with the kids then why would he tell the OP he has changed his mind about kids BEFORE she has moved in.

Why assume they're pretending rather than genuinely not knowing, or genuinely changing their minds?

So many of us on here OP have made poor decisions on the fathers of our children and have ‘repented at leisure.’ I love that you have been given a second chance. Forgive yourself, accept 50% responsibility for your part in the past two years (to heal) and don’t look back. Block, shield yourself in boundaries, ignore. He’s not part of what’s to come. I’m visualising your confident, bright and positive future. His honesty has set you free X

29 is still plenty of time to find your special person and settle down. I had my son at 37 (I decided about children in my mid thirties and was definitely not ready in my early 30’s, even though I met my DH when I was 18). You don’t really want to wait past 35yo to start trying for kids though, imo, especially if you fancy having 2.

I’m just thankful that your partner told you before he cemented his arrangement with marriage. I’ve read plenty of posts from other women who have been future-faked about kids until they were in their late 30’s/mid forties.

True, many men would wait. He could be thinking ahead about the impact of moving out again on his own children, so he’s testing the OP’s resolve and commitment.

I am the first to call out men for crap behaviour and, blimey, you hear about enough of it on MN, but I think the reactions to this man are unfair.
He is being honest now, before the OP has got pregnant or had his child, and while she is young enough to get away.

Surely if his plan was for her to just care for his kids so he doesn't have to, he would keep stringing her along with false promises or maybe even have a child with her but then let her bring all of them up pretty much single handedly?

you’re too young for this. Don’t move in with him. Have kids with someone else.

He’s a father so knows what it entails. And as little as a couple of weeks ago they were discussing their plans for children quite clearly. And now mere weeks later, he has suddenly “changed his mind”?

Pull the other one! He lied to get OP.

My niece was single at 29 moaning about all the crap men on dating apps. Then ahe met a lovely guy. She’s 33 now with a 1yr old & planning their wedding next year!

Going through a breakup in your late 20s is the scariest thing ever. Everyone keeps saying how you’re still so young but you don’t feel it. It happened to me and being 27 back in my mums box room whilst all my friends were getting engaged/married/pregnant was horrific. I also had the same thought process as you. Okay I need a year to get over it, then I’ll probs need to date for a year to find someone, then we will have to be going out a few years before engagement, etc etc and I thought I might end up missing my chance at everything.
Anyway, I met the love of my life 6 months later, and 2 years since the breakup we live together, have a dog, are planning on getting engaged next year, and I’ve never been so happy and excited about my future. I promise you’ll be okay OP!!!

You’re confused by that? Don’t be so disingenuous. He’s a lazy bastard who wants OP to do his parenting. His criticism of her was based on her being a woman, because woman = free childcare in his world.

That absolute clarity of mind is far rarer than you think it is. Have you not read the many threads on here from women who are unsure if they want kids at all, or another kid if they already have one or two, or another kid with a new partner, etc etc etc?

Almost everyone I know has dithered and been uncertain about it at some point.

It's really bizarre to have to turn this normal situation into a blame game.

If you gave only been together 2 years and don't live together, why is he involving you in his kids' visits? I don't mean to be rude but why are you there? They haven't come to see you and you can be elsewhere in your home, you don't need to be in another room. And if you are there why is he expecting you to be parenting? A day out or something fun together I get, not saying you should never see them, but helping with their homework - he is taking the piss.

Someone did something similar to me at around 32 and I had known fertility problems so waiting for a new relationship and being settled and then trying for a baby before 35 would have been a huge problem so I used that as the impetus to leave and start again. I was unsuccessful at getting pregnant due to underlying fertility issues (not age) so in the end I embarked upon a single adopter journey.

DS is now 20 and I have never for a nano second regretted my decision. I would have regretted being child free (foisted upon me by someone else) far more than I regretted giving up the previous man.

I now have a partner and DS is heading off to university and I'm heartily glad I made the decision to take the short term pain for the long term gain.

I just wonder - if he is prepared to make you give up the joys of being a parent that he experienced, is he really the person you think you love. People who love you don't behave that way.

You have another good ten years at least to meet someone new and start a family. You will be okay 💕

Almost everyone I know has had their first child after 32 - it is very common nowadays. Also, a lot of women don't find their partner until they're in their 30s. Don't stick with this man just because you're scared you won't find anyone else.