DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Just going to add @stepparenthelp that my DSis dated a guy thinking he wanted marriage and kids. Met on a dating app when she was 35 and they both expressly stated it was what they were looking for. He kept postponing the talk etc, until at 39 and her forcing the issue, he admitted that he had always been a bit ambivalent and now really didn’t want kids. Too late to meet someone and start again, so her chance at kids was missed. She was devastated for a few years.

She did meet someone afterwards, but he had teen kids and by the time their relationship had deepened it was Covid etc and they explored having a child together (she was 41/42) but they decided the risks with them both being older were too great. They are engaged and due to marry, but it took her a while to reconcile to having her choice of children taken from her.

I would strongly advise walking away now while you are very young and have time to meet someone else who very actively wants children - and wants them with you.

And what does he envisage himself doing, while you help his kids with their homework? If you had kids with him, this is the kind of father he'd be. You'll do better.

You will likely have a much better experience of being a first time parent with someone that doesn’t already have young children and a focus elsewhere. It’s a huge red flag that he is already trying to outsource some of his parenting to you too.

Don’t let him gaslight you into “maybe he’ll reconsider” if you say you want to break up. He may say anything to keep you. Cut your losses and build a life with someone at the same stage as you.

@frontdoory it's understandable he's having second thoughts about having children with OP
@stepparenthelp "but he knew his ex for 2 months when they had their first unplanned pregnancy, and their second was also unplanned".

Both of his children were unplanned. It's doubtful he ever wanted children.

I think the problem that you have now is not simply that he has changed his mind - we are all allowed to do that - but that he has criticised your level of involvement with his children. And he knows that you want children but is content to deny this to you. He has led you on with talk of a family and now dropped this on you.

So you are now seeing this perfect partner in a different way and whatever happens now this will not change. He is not who you thought he was and you are no longer on the same page.

Does he know how upset you are? Is your crying in his presence?

He is not intrinsically wrong to have doubts - he is entitled to his own feelings - having second thoughts is part of human nature, but that does not excuse him leading you on with false reassurances.

You need to speak up - to say that having children is part of your life plan and that if it is not in his then there is no future in the relationship. Say that you feel you have been duped - that you were led to believe you both had the same aims.

I know it feels daunting but you really are still young and there is plenty of time to find the right person for you who shares your life plans.

Well said!

If you want kids its very silly to get involved with a man that much older than you. Why do women keep doing this?
Find someone you're own age, not some dude a decade older who has already been through all the baby crap twice before

I 100% agree with this. He hasn’t changed his mind at all he knew exactly why he was doing. If you strip this back op, you haven’t lost “the one” you’re escaping a liar and a charlatan. This guy isn’t all he appeared to be, I know it hurts but you’ll look back and be grateful it came out before you’re 39 and thinking you’ve missed your chance.

Some posters seem to have a pathological need to assign blame, to accuse the man of "stringing someone along" when it's most likely that he hadn't made his mind up yet.

A couple of years ago a good friend of mine was in a similar position - he was 39, his girlfriend was 29. He didn't have kids, she wanted them (but only in the future - not any time soon). He initially thought he'd be up for fatherhood but as time went on found he was dreading the idea, not excited about it. He wrestled with this for several months - I was one of his sounding boards and I advised him that as difficult it seemed to make up his mind, he needed to do it quickly so as not to string her along. And fair play to him, that's what he did. They split up, she was obviously upset at the time but after a couple of months realised she was in a much better situation than if they'd stayed together.

They're still friends, he has much more clarity that he wants to be child-free, her dating life is going well but she's still in no real rush - I think she always intended to have a kid in her mid-30s and she's not there yet.

Which brings me to my other point for the OP - having kids in your mid or even late 30s is par for the course. I only know one woman in my social circle who had a child before she turned 30.

Well he clearly did.

The other thing I would advise is not to date men who have kids already. Genuinely can't comprehend why a 20-something woman who wants her own kids would do this (unless she's really into the idea of being a stepmother and committed to all the work that entails).

I agree. It's not 'stringing along' to take time to understand if someone is the right fit for you and your DC long term. DP opened up a few months back about OP lack of interest or involvement with his DC. In those months he may be seeing if she does care enough to want to form a bond. Perhaps he's realised now she's not and he's now giving it to her straight that he doesn't want kids with her.

As hard as it is, please don't let him waste your time. As a man, he has all the time in the world to ponder about whether he wants kids or not, you don't (although you are young, the years go fast!) I have seen firsthand this situation play out. Women kept waiting in the hopes of him changing his mind - and running out of time. Your life goals don't align. No matter how much you love him, that's a dealbreaker (and the bloody cheek of him telling you to look after HIS kids!!)

You need to look up the 'Sunk cost fallacy in relationships'.
It's where women stay in relationships that aren't working, for whatever reason, because of the time and emotional energy they've already invested. Part of this is fear of the unknown, in your case the fear of whether you will be able to meet someone new in time to have children.
It's the thing that keeps women in relationships they know they should leave. But the longer you stay in this relationship the less chance you're giving yourself to meet a new partner. I would strongly advise some counselling to work through this, firstly to stop yourself going back, to stop the panic and to help move on from this relationship to give yourself the best chance to find a new healthy relationship.

I stayed in a relationship years longer than I should have through my 20s. It eventually ended. I didn't find another relationship and when I turned 35 I honestly had to come to terms with the fact I likely wasn't going to have children. Then I met up with an old friend I'd not seen for years and 9 years later we have 3 beautiful children. I was 40 when my youngest was born. I always say everything happens for a reason. Your current relationship is the one that's taught you how important having your own child is to you. Take that with you as you venture out to find a man who wants the same thing you do.

OP, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it’s not your fault.

On the bright side, it must make the prospect of the relationship ending seem a lot less daunting - now you know for sure he is not on the same page as you, he has misled you about something so crucial, and he is quite happy to put his own needs, preferences and desires above yours permanently even if it spoils your hopes and dreams of a family? He’s thinking about what’s easiest for him. Not a man to procreate with, I’m afraid.

You are so lucky that you’re so young and know so clearly what you want - imagine, you could have got to 37 being unsure whether you wanted kids, yet it’s clear now this is a dealbreaker for you. You’ve had fun with him and still have time to have the family you want if you end things now.

Never arguing isn't a good thing OP. Healthy arguments lead to resolutions. No arguments at all is a red flag.

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now and I'm disgusted with your DP that he wasn't upfront from the get go about his uncertainties of having more kids.... he is treating you so badly and deceiving you in the most unimagineable way possible. Please don't waste anymore time on him, he doesn't deserve you and any more future hours/days/weeks/years of your time.

If it gives you hope, I met my DP at 28, married at 32 and had our first child at 38 (we struggled to conceive for years and had a long journey to get there...but we did and I'm forever grateful for our beautiful girl). If there is one piece of advice, and more as a security blanket for you so you can take some time finding Mr. Right for you, could you look into getting your eggs frozen so when the time comes and if you need them, you’ll have this option. I know a few people that did when they were younger until they found their person in crime. Sending you big hugs OP, the right person will be there for you ❤️ 💗

At least he’s come clean now, not in another 5yrs time.
You want different things, and thats okay - no child should be born to an unwilling or indifferent parent.
You have time to start over, it’ll be tough for a while I’m sure as you've had the rug pulled from under you, but there is something better around the corner for you.

Men are not 'allowed' to donate sperm after 45 years because it's quality might be poor. They are not as fertile 50+, as they think they are.

I broke up with the man I thought was the love of my life at 35. I was absolutely devastated and resigned myself to being single and childless.

Met my now DH at 36, had our DC at 39.

It is impossible to imagine when you are in the grips of heartbreak, but you will swiftly realise that there are many people who could make you very happy. It is crucial that you have shared values and want the same things. That is a grown up relationship which will grow genuine love, attachment, respect and friendship that will last you through a lifetime together, not to mention the ups and downs of childrearing.

It will be okay OP. Put yourself first and don't waste your childbearing years on this man.

Don't do that! I did a after 10 years of marriage and "waiting for the right time" 'D'H(now ex), decided that he didn't want kids after all. I was clear that I did, and would be with or without him, and he told me he thought more and did want them after all - that was a lie.

He never wanted them and never did a single thing to raise them. He slept in a different room while I di every single night waking, left for "work" as soon as I got up with the kids and didn't come home until after I had put them to bed (he was self employed, but his earnings did not match the amount of hours he was out, so fuck knows what he was doing).

It wasn't your chance though, because he was lying and using you and he doesn't want the same things. Your chance is still to come.

Im so sorry, at least you know before you are attached. I met my DH with a significant age gap when he had 2 kids just about to turn teenagers. He said, correctly, just because I have kids doesnt mean you should accept just being a step mum, we then went on to have 4 together. Thats what a decent man does

Don't accept it and dont fall for it if he says he will have a baby in the future because chances are hes stringing you along xx

IKWYM. If you're single and meet someone who has a child you have zero investment in that person. You don't really know their personality so all you have to go on is there looks.

So people are deciding that someone is so hot they're willing to complicate their life dealing with ex's and taking on a step parent role etc. That seems insane to me. Different of course if it's a long term friendship that's developed into more.

Don’t feel stupid. It’s a common tactic for men to promise the world to women that they can persuade to take on their parenting workload. As you have discovered, they then change their minds once they think you’re locked in to the relationship.

Be very prepared for what comes next if you break off the relationship. There will be emotional blackmail based on how much his children love you and miss you. He may make noises about reconsidering having children with you. To put it bluntly, he won’t want to lose the free nanny service he’s been used to (despite his criticism that you’re not doing enough of his parenting tasks).

Grieving the end of the relationship and life you thought you had is totally understandable. The only gift he’s given you is to reveal his dishonesty early enough for you to move on, and build a new relationship based on honesty and trust.

(Edited for typo)