DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

You are well young enough to move on and find someone who wants what you want. Find someone who doesn’t have children but wants them. When you do, you’ll be so grateful that it worked out as it did. It’s hard to see from where you’re standing now, but this will be for the best.

Well it will be gone if you stay with him.

Do not move in, he will dangle the maybe carrot. You need to find someone else.

There is a lot about what he wants op in your post. It hurts but walk away. Put yourself first. You have plenty of time. I always feel when we leave what is not meant for us better things happen. He sounds indecisive and flaky. He can’t offer one thing then change his mind without discussion, that isn’t partnership.

Hey OP, I've only read your comments and not all of the replies so I hope you've had lots of reassurance already, but thought I'd chip in.

I ended a relationship with someone because he didn't want kids, it was messy and drawn out because we still loved each other so we stayed in touch etc. Eventually he 'changed his mind', we got back together and he cheated on me. All of this to say, as hard as it is, a clean break is much better. Especially when other kids are involved.

I met my fiance at 36, had my first baby at 39 and expecting my second at 41. It's not exactly what I envisioned when I was younger but I wouldn't change a thing.

Do give yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself, don't rush back out there x

If you're worried about fertility, please freeze your eggs - that will buy you years, so you are less likely to settle for someone unsuitable just because you want a family. Even though it can be quite expensive, it's worth every penny, I promise.

Sounds silly but when I met dh after about 4 dates we went on a day out and laid our cards on the table so early enough not to proceed with the relationship. Saying we both wanted marriage and ideally two kids. Became a standing joke “is this something your should have told me at Warwick castle?!” So honesty from
the start no game playing.

He's perfectly reasonable not wanting more kids. He already has two and he knows what a commitment it is.

He's unreasonable wanting you to entertain his own kids for him, but he might see your lack of interest in them as a bad sign.

You need to split up with him if you want children of your own.

I left my marriage for this reason.
10 year relationship over.

5 years later; I’m engaged to an incredible
man and looking at our baby right now, all at the age of 35!

Yes, dating is hard but, truly, it is not over for you. I split with someone I loved at 30 yrs old because they didn't want kids and went onto get married in my early 40s and have a baby. Not saying it always takes that long but you're far too young to give up hope! Please don't waste your time with this man; he's shown he's not capable of honouring your previous arrangement. Do not become the nanny with a fanny which seems to be the direction he is travelling towards with you.

You have plenty of time at 29.
I, and the majority of my friends, had children between the ages of 35 and 45.

Be grateful that you have found this out now and have the chance to move on.
And while your partner is getting flak for "future faking", it's far better that he has been honest now and not changed his mind after the baby arrived which happens so often on these boards.

You are young enough to find someone to have a family together for the first time rather than creating someone's second family.

It will be hard and painful to end it but see this as an opportunity and a lucky escape rather than a sad ending.
Good luck x

I did none of those healthy things and still got pregnant easily at 41 years

At least he is finally being honest with you. Please dont try to persuade him, that will only result in a compromise and the probability of having a child he will resent in the future.

You are young enough to find someone who can give you everything you want

You aren't an idiot OP, you aren't the first person to fall for future faking and you won't be the last. Cut your losses, get rid and find someone else. Do not give up having your own children for a man who doesn't want children with you but wants you to raise his instead.

It's perfectly underatandable that he doesnt want anymore, tbh. I have two now adult children. I split up with my exh at 37 and so technically could have had more (and plenty of people assumed I would!) but there is absolutely nothing that would have persuaded me to go back to pregnancy and baby hood.

I can imagine a conversation where I might have hypothetically agreed with a new partner that a baby with them would be nice but in the cold hard light of day, it was the last thing I would have wanted in reality.

So please don't stay with him hoping he'll change his mind. He won't.

But that doesn't mean you should stay with him and accept not having children of that is what you really want.

You might not meet someone you want to have children with and, tbh, that is a risk that everyone who wants children faces. I know a few men in their 50s who never met the right person or married and not having been a dad is one of their greatest regrets. One has a step child he adores.

But, as someone else said, you definitely won't be having children if you stay with him and that's a pain that will only deepen as you seem his children mature and the relationship he has with them develop. And, I'd suspect, that that would be a harder pain to live with than not having your own children alone.

youve plenty of time OP. I met my husband a month before my 30th birthday. I’ve just had my first at 38. Although I wouldn’t advise waiting too long to start a family I’ve lots of friends who’ve at their first at the same stage. If fact most of my friends, colleagues and cousins all had their kids post 30s

One final thing. If you do dump him DO NOT allow him any further communication. If he worms his way in with false promises and gets you treading water again 1 year will become 2 and then 5 and suddenly he has got everything he wants.

He has been honest with you and allowed you to make a hard decision. You need to make the difficult decision.

My daughter is 33. Still no children as had miscarriage in March. Loads of her friends are just having their first now.

I am in a relationship with a similar age gap. He has two children from his previous marriage and we went on to have a child together.

The first difference is that initially I assumed he would not want to have another child with me, and that this was not a deal breaker.

The second is that I was very involved with his children from the word go. (MN is very conflicted about stepmothers.) But if we were all in a room together, we'd be playing games together, watching a film etc - for the most part I wouldn't be sitting doing my own thing.

So it was maybe out of the growing relationship with his children, that our wish to have another child together evolved.

But I was 35 - older than the poster - when I met him. I would agree that dating is more complicated now.

I'm glad that I met my partner when I wasn't 'looking' ie not via an app. It was simply via a shared interest.

So maybe the best way forward is to break up, but focus very much on doing the sorts of social things that you enjoy. And who knows what the future will bring?

I haven't read all your replies but I think he wants a mother for his current kids , built in babysitter, don't give up your own wants for this . Lots of people start families in their late 30s early 40s now. I'm early 40s and mine are grown up but most people I went to school with are just starting their family now. I agree with poster above he has faked a future he knows you want but he can change his mind just like that .

Good, he has 2 kids. Read some threads on here about 'blended' families. It's not all 'the Brady bunch'.

Why is the assumption DP wants a babysitter to entertain his existing DC? Perhaps he wants a partner who is interested in bonding with his DC?

If OP just sits and watches TV when they're around, and makes little effort to connect because they're 'his children with someone else' it's understandable he's having second thoughts about having children with OP.

He's possibly having second thoughts about maintaining a relationship with someone who's disinterest in such an important aspect of his life.

It doeasn't sound like you're a right fit for each other, and at least you know his feelings whilst you're still in the early stages of the relationship.

Yes, met DH at 34, had first child at 36 and second at 39. Nearly 22 years ago now.

I'm also a step parent and it sounds like he wants you to do more with his kids so he can do less.

My SIL was in your position, she thought she'd change his mind so continued the relationship for a further 10 years.
Within 2 months of leaving him, she met a wonderful man. They were married 10 months later and they went on to have 2 DC.

You will regret giving up your dreams for this man.
Good luck OP

I’m not overly surprised he doesn’t want more children, it’s a lot to “go back to the beginning” when your kids are getting older and more independent.

However: I think he has been very cruel to you to string you along, get your hopes up, tell you you’re not being “good enough” with his kids, then saying actually he’s not sure for [insert litany of reasons plucked out of the air].

if you waste more of your life waiting for him to change his mind - he’s not going to. Listen to what he’s saying. He’s telling you what you want to hear and then telling you what he really thinks. Please don’t spend more of your time on this if children is your ultimate goal.

Sit him down and have an honest conversation with him. You are so entitled to want and have children if that’s how you want your life to go. He is so entitled to not want more. What neither of you is entitled to is to force each other into one or the other of those places. In reality that would lead to either you choosing him as is and living with the burning resentment that he kept you for being a mother, or him going along with you and ultimately leaving as he doesn’t actually want to bring up another child.

I’d actually argue that if you go along with him you’re keeping yourself from having children as you decided to stay with someone you knew wasn’t going to have more. At least if you move on you give yourself the possibility.