Avoid In-laws because of jokes about my appearance

[butterfly245]

I have always been short, which my in-laws have always found hilarious. Whenever I see them there are comments on my heights, comparing me to the children, jokes etc etc. sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I roll my eyes, but on a couple of occasions I have actually made it clear I don’t find it funny. One family member once asked me if I mind it and when I said I didn’t like it they stopped. The others haven’t (the children now join in).

I didn’t go to the last family occasion because I’m getting tired of it (it’s been over 10 years). I told DH and said I was happy for him to go and to take the kids too, but he said he didn’t want to (it’s a 2 hour drive and they’re not particularly close). When he told his SIL (just said we couldn’t come) she expressed some disappointment. We have one of the kids (teenager) coming to visit soon and I don’t know how to respond if any comments come up.

I’d love some advice on how to handle future comments. AIBU to be irritated to the point of avoiding them or should I get a thicker skin?

This!

No point reasoning with them as they don't sound very bright. They have got the same joke on repeat because they can't think of anything better to talk about.

You could shout, "BORING!" every time they comment on your height. Just repeat the word really dramatically and childishly.

Another option is to insult them back. Give them a taste of their own medicine.

Or you could proudly repeat, "Good things come in small packages" when they joke about your height.

Doing and saying nothing is just a signal for this boring joke to continue. You have to do something to stop it. I am the same height as you and very few people have joked about my height like this. Usually the people who repeat this kind of joke are a bit thick.

They comment on height a lot. Said teenager coming to stay has teased girlfriends in the past about it and they talked about a girlfriend being short a lot. DH has tried to talk to him about that too but fell on deaf ears.

How sad.
Always react asking them if they were born nasty or if they learnt to ridecule how a person looks from their parents?

Your DH should call a face to face meeting with his family and spell out that it is rude to ever comment on a person's looks. He states that he never wants to hear any unkind comment about anyone, even if a joke. He can give examples of not to call MIL - obese, SIL - fat arsed, nephew - goggle eyed, or you - short.

State clearly that DN will be returned home if he perpetuates the rude family tradition of teasing short people.

I read once that the taller one is, the shorter their life span, on average of course.

I would either boycott them or call them out, but I have no tolerance for bullies.

My great aunt used to endlessly go on about how tall her grandsons were and my grandpa's response to her was "it's what's inside your head that matters, not how high up it is". He was 5 Foot 3 and a lovely man 🙂.

As regards the visiting teenager I think you'll find away from the pack, nothing is said and if it is you just shut it straight down. Your in laws sound insufferable. I can't imagine how they don't realise this is not ok. I'm not surprised you just want to avoid them.

My aunt in law is 4ft 10 and my uncle is 6ft 2 nobody in the family has ever batted an eyelid. Your in laws sound awful.

so you havent seen them for 10 years?

@butterfly245 5ft isn't that short! The average woman is 5ft4.

I'm nearly 5ft 11. If people make tall jokes I just take the piss back.

"Yes, i can see if men are going bald. Did you know how bald you are going?".

You just need to retaliate with something equally rude.

Say "yes, it can see your three chins from down here " "yes I sometimes mistake your fat belly for a beach ball from this angle"

I’d nip it in the bud from the get go with the teenager. First time any comment about height just say “ in this family we consider any nasty comments on appearance to be bullying, therefore whilst you are our guest please show respect

I’m the same height and never had anyone say I’m short to my face! So that tells me it a them being tude problem. I’d tell them every time, that’s not nice, it kinda hurts my feelings! They should stop.

@butterfly245
They just sound like bullies!
Probably due to their own insecurities, they’re trying to get in first so to speak.
Id just say “Better short and sweet, than mean!”

My mother in law ( nasty cow) used to call me Liz McDonald - I’m from south manchester and look Italian ( so nothing like Liz) so she couldn’t even get her accents right. I asked her to stop which she did until we were in Company when she cranked up again with her little joke ( all her jokes were at someone else’s expense). She thought I wouldn’t pick her up on it in Company - it was a power play. I calmly and firmly told her in front of everyone that we’d discussed this and she’d agreed to stop doing it and I’m asking her again in case her memory is lapsing to not do it again. It made the atmosphere really awkward but that was not of my doing or cause. She didn’t do it again ( to my face) I know it went on behind my back.

If anything is said just tell them not to say it as you don’t like it and don’t find it funny

Id tell them that its rude to comment on someone's looks. If he continues id return him back home and tell SIL exactly why.

I agree with PP - you need to develop the balls. Practise and learn more assertiveness and your children will then learn it from you.

I’m all in favour of DHs managing the comms with their own families rather than wives being the default social secretaries but these are comments directly from them to you and DH’s hints have failed.

At some point you need to ask them what they find so funny about endless tedious carping about your height and do they not consider personal comments to be rude? You are also free not to visit them and let them know why.

What would you say to your family or friends if they made these comments? Or even a colleague? Its a mistake to assume in laws will be besties - some will, some won’t - but its equally a mistake to privilege them above family and friends.

God I wish I could be that brave 🤣

I'm your height OP people make comments, but not usually rude ones like your in laws are doing to you. I would absolutely have to respond though, and at the very moment they said it to me. I would say, (whilst looking them straight in the eye) well, yes, some people are indeed petite, some are fat, some are ugly, that's life, what can you do? I actually love being petite. Then look at the overweight MIL and wait for an answer to see if she says she likes being fat!

Call it out every time. Dont laugh. Dont shy away.

Examples

Thats mean.

Your comments about my height are unsolicited.

im not sure what you gain from going on about my height.

Im still 5ft - your comments are still mean.

Not a good example to set for the children.

I feel for you. I would also have expected it to die down and would be in exactly your position now. Do whatever feels right for you, and if that's avoiding them, I'm sure your DH will understand.

Why are you so obsessed with my height?

You make that comment every time I see you. Do you think we ought to get you booked for a memory test?

After 10 years, I don’t know how you can still find repeating the same comments funny. It wasn’t funny the first time.

Repeat that comment again slowly so you can understand how ridiculous it sounds.

Would you like me to comment on your body each time I see you? No? Stop commenting on mine then or I might start returning the favour.

It would annoy me too. Look you don’t have to put up with it. I would ask my DH to say something and if they keep at it I would likely reduce my time around them too.

I’m 5’8”… if it’s of any consolation I hate being tall. I’ve spent my whole life being too big. My feet are too big, I feel like I tower over people… etc. I’d love to be a nice petite 5’!

Also 5 foot. I remember once when I was about 18 and much to my Dads embarrassment me very loudly saying to a friend of his: if I was grossly obese would you comment, no, why not? Oh cos it’s rude is it..

the short comments don’t really bother me anymore, a few years ago my DS very factually told me I’m probably shrinking now I’m old 😂

Tell them there's nothing wrong with being short, being offensive is a different matter.

Forget your manners and etiquette and just tell them that you know you are petite , that they are being rude making jokes about it. You are beyond bored with their stupid comments and well into hurt territory. It needs to stop.