Avoid In-laws because of jokes about my appearance

[butterfly245]

I have always been short, which my in-laws have always found hilarious. Whenever I see them there are comments on my heights, comparing me to the children, jokes etc etc. sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I roll my eyes, but on a couple of occasions I have actually made it clear I don’t find it funny. One family member once asked me if I mind it and when I said I didn’t like it they stopped. The others haven’t (the children now join in).

I didn’t go to the last family occasion because I’m getting tired of it (it’s been over 10 years). I told DH and said I was happy for him to go and to take the kids too, but he said he didn’t want to (it’s a 2 hour drive and they’re not particularly close). When he told his SIL (just said we couldn’t come) she expressed some disappointment. We have one of the kids (teenager) coming to visit soon and I don’t know how to respond if any comments come up.

I’d love some advice on how to handle future comments. AIBU to be irritated to the point of avoiding them or should I get a thicker skin?

If it happens again I would respond with is it my turn now to make fun of your appearance? Or did you think this only went one way? Then look whoever it is up and down. If it is one of the children tell them it is rude to comment on someone's appearance and they wouldn't like it if someone did it to them to make them feel bad about themselves.

Point out to whoever it is that this is what bullying looks like and that they wouldn't like it if someone was doing this repeatedly to their child.

Laughing at someone else's expense and dressing it up as a 'joke' is called bullying.
The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Call them out on their behaviour. If they don't like it, (and they probably won't) you walk away from all future family events

I am 5ft 3” and have never once had anyone comment on my height and thought 5ft-5ft 3” was shortish but perfectly normal
I would consider short being 4ft 11” and below

Although when it comes to clothes I think they are only made for really tall people.

My son as an early teen was short. he would get comments rather inevitable as his dad was 6ft 6. He used to take them to heart but then very quickly realised that if he joined in a and took the Mickey out of himself it’s less funny for everyone else. Tables have now turned and he takes the Mickey out of me as he’s now taller than me.

My SIL is 5ft it wouldn’t occur to me to make that into a joke. You in-laws and mad! I wouldn’t bother with them

How about saying, ‘why do you think it’s ok to make personal comments about my physical appearance?’

or say, sorry, couid you repeat that?’ People normally realise what they’re saying is inappropriate then. But they might not as they’ve been saying it for years. You could say’ ‘I may be short but at least I am kind’.

Love it - you should have said it, the look on her face would gave been priceless 😂

Right - dish it straight back out. They deserve every insult. Or tell them to shut the fuck up - that would be ok too.

Pretty overweight yes…I can just imagine how well it would go down if I said something to them!

Do it obliquely. “Look - not everybody is bang on average height or weight. It really isn’t polite or funny to make personal comments about it….”

I would be exasperated and say "I am sick to death of your boring and rude so-called jokes about my height. It isn't witty, it isn't clever and to be honest it puts me off wanting to spend time with you. Which is a shame because apart from that I enjoy being with you"

Make sure DH is prepared to step straight in and back you up.

Do not engage on any of the passive aggressive responses suggested here, or retaliatory 'jokey' comments. They will just see that as you engaging with the 'banter' and it will encourage them.

If the teen has the temerity to say anything say "Ouch! its very rude to make jokes and comments about people's physical characteristics and I don't appreciate it"

Ah, depends on your idea of tall.
6ft 2" female and I dislike clothes shopping because they are usually made for average height women.

The comments to @butterfly245 from her so-called family are bullying that they pretend is humour.

You could say’ ‘I may be short but at least I am kind’.

'All the best things come in small packages' or 'You really are tedious people, after 10 years you're still flogging the same dead horse'.

"There will be no personal comments on my family, friends, or guests while you are visiting. It is disrespectful and unpleasant. Please do not joke about anyone’s personal characteristics while staying with us.”

This needs to be said and should have been said a long time ago.^

5' isn't short - what are they, a family of giraffes ?

I'm 5'2" and only once have I ever been called a "short-@rse" by a very rude person.

I recall a post on here a few years ago.Only it was a child being bullied by a girl at school over her height. It had gone on for a few years school did nothing. The girl who was bullying her was quite overweight. So one day she retaliated back I might be short but at least I’m not fat.

The girl burst into tears and the OP’s daughter was punished and told not to make fun of others appearance. Even though the other girl had bullied her for years and never been punished. She was in a private school and the other child was from a large family with about 5 children at the school. So she ended moving her to a local non private school.

Personally I would retaliate in kind, so look to see what defects they have and start on those, so they make a comment about your height, you say at least I am not a baldy, and walk away

just kick it back at them

Or just say that favourite MN comment, ‘did you mean to be so rude” and then say no more until they answer

Definitely don’t slap the next person who does it; especially don’t slap them so hard their cheek swells up.

A joke is when both parties find it funny. A joke at someone else's expense is bullying.

They make a joke, you say
"So I'm aware that I should have made it clear years ago that I find the atempts to poke fun at my height unpleasant. I was younger and less confident, especially around my new in-laws who I wanted to like me. Now that I'm older, wiser and confident in my position as obviously the best daughter in law, (insert self deprecating tinkly laugh at this point) I feel more able to tell you that you absolutely need to stop with this."

I hear you, OP! I'm only 4'11 and most people have the good sense not to make anything of it but my BIL's annoying ex-wife did come out with a few remarks once. At FIL's funeral, of all places! Everyone agreed she was an idiot though.

One of the stupid things she said was "ooh, you're really short!" As if I had never noticed, and spent all those years wondering why I couldn't reach things on high shelves. 🙄

They are weird. Five foot is not even excessively short ( not that it should matter).

I don't think that is down to DH to deal with this. It just makes you look weak.
For the same reason, you shouldn't tell them that it 'upsets' you..

Try: "You've been making these playground level 'jokes' for ten years now, and frankly I've had enough. It's very tedious and it's time you all grew up"

It’s boring and boorish but, on the other hand, I’d be bloody thrilled if that was my biggest complaint against my in-laws. It’s also not like being short is an explicitly negative thing or something I would expect a woman to be self-conscious about. Are they a bit socially awkward and cling to that as an easy talking point? My in-laws do that about my nationality, my accent, my university, my job and my height most times I see them, always in a mocking way. It’s the single most harmless thing they do and it helps keep the conversation bland, fills silences and stops them straying into more vicious territory.

Have you tried saying to them something like "Do you not realise that that joke got stale the second time you used it? And you've trotted it out approximately 10,000 times so far?"

They sound rather pathetic.

My friend’s 4ft 11in and I’m 5ft 8in. It’s never occurred to me to joke about her height.

I think fair’s fair in these situations, next time give them a taste of their own medicine about being overweight and make sure you’re laughing at them when you say it. If they do it again. You do it again.

They don’t have the monopoly on being insidious tossers.