Avoid In-laws because of jokes about my appearance

[butterfly245]

I have always been short, which my in-laws have always found hilarious. Whenever I see them there are comments on my heights, comparing me to the children, jokes etc etc. sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I roll my eyes, but on a couple of occasions I have actually made it clear I don’t find it funny. One family member once asked me if I mind it and when I said I didn’t like it they stopped. The others haven’t (the children now join in).

I didn’t go to the last family occasion because I’m getting tired of it (it’s been over 10 years). I told DH and said I was happy for him to go and to take the kids too, but he said he didn’t want to (it’s a 2 hour drive and they’re not particularly close). When he told his SIL (just said we couldn’t come) she expressed some disappointment. We have one of the kids (teenager) coming to visit soon and I don’t know how to respond if any comments come up.

I’d love some advice on how to handle future comments. AIBU to be irritated to the point of avoiding them or should I get a thicker skin?

I would take a deep breath and say:
”I’ve thought you were incredibly rude for so many years but DH says you really love this kind of ‘banter’, so here goes… SIL you’re like the sun, painful to look at. FIL your hairline goes so far back I studied it in history books. And MIL I was going to make a joke about your chin but I couldn’t choose which one” and then smile and pass the peas.

Not very fair to do that to the child without warning, as they've been brought up to think this is normal behaviour.

So DH needs to issue the warning. Good opportunity to make the point. In a group message to all the family.

"By the way, you're all the the habit of bullying Butterfly about her height and passing it off as a joke, so your DC may be under the impression that this is acceptable behaviour. Obviously it isn't, and your DC will be on the first bus/train home if they try it in our house. Please make sure they know this, to avoid misunderstandings."

i would just say in response - ‘boring. Are you that stupid that you cant think of anything funnier or more intelligent to say’.

“I know, I know, I’m short, you’re fat, what a couple of freaks we must be MiL if others need to comment on my shortness and your fatness all the time! Don’t you wish they’d keep their comments to themselves or do you not mind?”.

They got defensive because they were called out on it. As all bullies do.

quite frankly you need to stand up for yourself (pun not intended). If the kid says something, you should calmly be clear that if you made a negative comment about their appearance that it is highly likely that they would not like it, as you do not like the observations about your height. Even those with the highest levels of self esteem would be impacted by the continuous comments and observations.

maybe you should have the balls to say the heels/cunt thing, they deserve it and as grown adults should know better.

Listen I think you should fight fire with fire. I am slim (just slim, not skinny), and my MIL is overweight. For ages, every time I saw her she would comment on how ‘skinny’ I was, and quiz me on my diet and exercise habits. Eventually I said to her that if she keeps talking about my weight, then I’ll start talking about hers. That was the last I heard of that.

its not the OP's height that is the problem or why she is getting upset IMO (oh and its not "getting worked up" that's minimising) Its the constant bullying personal comments, the height is just the hook they hang the bullying on.

Yes that’s very good actually!

Brilliant! And when they get offended: ‘it’s just a joke! Can’t you take a joke?’

If short but I’m cringing at some of these responses, I’m sorry but if you used one of the comebacks on this thread if I was them I’d defo reply with “no need to be so short with me” 🤣

I’d get DH to come down hard on it so you don’t need to deal with it

Good idea @diddl here's some more. (I was on a bit of a roll once I'd started)
Them. "You just can't take a joke Shorty."

"That's a joke?
Don't give up your day job cos you'll never make it as a standup!"

"That's a joke??? Tell me exactly why its funny?"
and follow up with..
"Oh I see. Schoolyard humour again. So sad." (channel your inner Penelope Keith and try to say it in a really patronising way)

"That's not a joke, that's a boring, repetitive insult iI have to endure everytime I visit." and follow up with. putting them on the spot.
"Please tell me why you find it necessary to keep doing this. What exactly do you get out of it."
Bluster bluster. "No seriously I'd really like to hear your reasons for doing it over and over again?
mumble.
"It just makes me feel sorry for you." or
(my favourite) "I thought you were more intelligent than that."

And if they carry on.
"I think you just meant to apologise, didn't you?"
if they don't, you can follow up with "How very very sad." in your most sarcastic voice and walk off.

The next round of jokes... "Really? Teenage humour... so unattractive in a 45 year old " (make sure to add at least 10 years to their real age.}

Easy to say, hard to do, I know.
But have something up your sleeve to snap back. It's amazing how much more confident you will feel, knowing that even if you decided not to take them on in the moment, you could have. Also have a plan for a quick exit if you want to just get up and leave, that also helps to feel that you could if you wanted to.

I think you've reached the no way back point where you have nothing to lose... and although your DH sometimes supports you, ultimately, they've got to see that you are prepared to bite back yourself. People like this will carry on doing it unless you push back because they are so lacking in inner resources that they find this kind of stupid chat entertaining.

Or if you wish you'd said something at the time, text the bwords. Ultimately, you sound as if you don't care what their reaction is anymore.. and they are being offensive to you.. so what then if being told how their mean behaviour affects people offends them. Boo Double Hoo to them. Good Luck OP. Cyranno De Bergerac their arses.

If the teenage visitor comments then they are told that it’s not acceptable and that if they continue they go home. Put down some boundaries straight away. Then stick to them.
If they were bullying your child you wouldn’t tolerate it. Don’t tolerate this.

BTW, I’m short and love it. Be proud of who you are and don’t let anyone make you feel ‘less than’. Don’t resort to retaliation, be better than them.

I would like to see them take a joke after a few ‘here comes fatty’ comments.

What would happen if you burst into tears when someone mentioned your height?
Would they be mortified with guilt or consider you silly?

They sound tedious and very boring. And of course rude. Which are all fine reasons to leave them to themselves. Why are they cutting off relationships as they get older? Shooting themselves in the foot.

Thank you so much for the responses some of them have made my day 🤣 haven’t decided how to respond yet.
I wasn’t there but as far as I know DH took SIL aside and told her I didn’t like height jokes, so it did stop for a bit but that was a long time ago and it didn’t last for long. BIL asked me once if I minded and when I said I did he stopped and hasn’t since.
bursting into tears would make them feel PROPER awkward. And I imagine very defensive.

Joking about a woman being short isn't an insult. Short women are usually favoured. I can understand the jokes getting boring but refusing to go on a trip because of it seems overly sensitive.

You’re not getting it.

Both you and your husband say firmly, calmly and politely that you don't want short comments unless absolutely necessary (eg height restrictions at the fair). Put it in a text to everyone. Maybe they genuinely don't understand it bothers you-but now they'll have no excuse.
Any time anyone says anything, you walk out.
Eventually they'll learn, and you staying away is pointless-it might well be your kids are short too, and surely you don't want them getting comments when you're not there.

This teaches us the importance of nipping things in the bud from the start - with the first joke. You let it go on far too long.

I totally get this.
It needs addressing and I would start with the visiting nephew.
If he starts with the jokes, I would look him in the eye and very calmly say, ' you know I really don't like jokes about my height. You don't need to agree, you just need to know I don't like it.'
Repeat for each and every offender.

As someone who is 5ft1.5, I can sympathise. I have banter about my height with one friend but we both know it’s just banter and I know they’d never take it further. Everyone is grown-up enough for it to have never been mentioned.

I’m also an identical twin, and we’ve had lots of stupid comments and questions, sometimes highly personal, over the years from people who frankly are old enough to know better. The trick is to turn it around to them, if they make a stupid comment or question just fire one back with a totally straight face.

“Yes I am short. Tell me, do you talk this way to other people my height? Plenty of people are this tall, it must get very tiresome for you”.

“You’re right, I’ll never be equal to you. What’s it like to be your height [if they’re above average height]? You must get sick of looking at the top of people heads and looking down all the time. Lots of MSK issues to come for you!”

Or just
”Wow, you’re (whatever height they are)? That’s so funny. Tell me, what’s that like?” Pause. Look at them, earnestly. They’ll probably stutter and then shut up.

That's really rude and beyond tedious. I'm in my 60s and don't care as much what I say and would be tempted to ask them if they ever get bored of repeating such lame 'jokes'. 'You've said this to me at least 50 times over the years. Doesn't it get boring?'

with respect to your husband but his comment did not address the issue. His comment should have been "stop bullying my wife" This will continue until it is named for what it is.

after so long of the same old bloody jokes just tell them they sound like a broken record and they need to change it. It’s dull and boring!