Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

[illgo]

NC for this, it’s pretty outing.

DH and I have just returned from a long weekend away that we attended his school friend’s wedding (abroad). I was informed on the first day that he had no money left until the end of the month. Not the first time, but was annoyed that I was in the position of paying for transport etc during our time away.

Many discussions have been had about money management and the possibility of him getting a new job, but nothing has changed.

It’s also our DDs birthday this week and I’ve had to use my credit card to buy the presents as he has no money.

I have not once mentioned that I am annoyed about the money situation, although I am. He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others.

His mum picked us up from the airport yesterday with DD. I sat in the back of the car with DD playing and DH sat in the front. When we got home he drank straight from the milk carton his mum had bought us. I said, in a jovial way, “oh well I guess no one else is having milk”. In front of his mum, he said to me “why the fuck are you acting like this?”. Like a child. And he looked at me like he hated me. His mum said you shouldn’t be drinking out of the bottle.

Didn’t want to cause a scene in front of his mum, so said after she left, please don’t speak to me like that in front of your mum, or anyone.

He said he’d carried all the bags from holiday and wanted a drink, that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting and that I’m not considering the stress he’s under. I told him I had been supporting him, especially financially.

He said I was point scoring, I had a tone, and he won’t be engaging with me until I see his POV. he said he’ll “try” and not speak like that to me again in front of his mum

have I taken too much offence from this? Am I being precious?

I don’t think he should be speaking to you like he did at all so that’s one problem. But it also sounds like the split is unequal. Your income seems to be 65% of all income so I’d maybe look at trying to add all bills and shared expenses (food, childcare etc) and work out the total then you pay 65% and he pay 35%. Clearly he’s got an issue budgeting but if it’s split more fairly you might find he has to contribute to the basics more than he does currently. Just an idea x

Drinking directly from a bottle or carton that others in the household have to share is disgusting. Sharing other bodily fluids is voluntary and there’s no way I’d be voluntarily putting milk in my coffee that contains someone else’s’ spit.

Absolutely.

What exactly does he bring to the relationship? - Apart from debt.

"I am telling her" "She should"

How about OP can express herself as she pleases.

OP chose not to make an issue at a wedding...that's common decency.

Why would she do it at the wedding?

The suggestion was to do it after the mother left.

The OP has posted for feedback. People are giving it: that's how forums work. She is perfectly and absolutely free to express herself however she wishes.

He sounds like my brother, who is a financially and emotionally manipulative narcissist. He wore down my sister in law until she believes his debts were her fault.

He sounds awful, you'd be better off (financially and emotionally) without him.

If he has a good amount of money coming in he needs to pay more than £100 to pay his debts off. He needs to be paying more into the household. He needs to be paying more in and spending less on his hobby. Pay debts off and then don't overspend should be what he needs to be doing. I hope you can get him to agree OP. Wishing you all the best .He also needs to repay you on his next payday for the presents that you got for your DC. The month after that he can repay you for expenses with ref to the wedding you went to. He needs to be better at managing his money.

You said this:

"I am saying the milk comment should never have happened in the first place: none of that would be an issue."

No mention that the DH shouldn't have spoken as he did

The problem with him drinking milk out of the bottle isn't that you are sharing germs as if you were kissing. It's that he is inoculating the milk in the bottle with bacteria. It will then sit in the refrigerator and the bacteria will multiply (albeit more slowly than if it were kept at room temperature) and that is gross, makes the milk go "off" more quickly, and could make you all sick.

The bacteria that live in your mouth are constantly being kept in check by your immune system. The bacteria in the milk in the refrigerator are not.

What a delightful specimen of a wanker you have chosen to spend your life with. Maybe it’s time to re-assess your life choices?

What is this man bringing to your life!?! NoNot

Well this isnt working for either of you.

The finances would send me running. I think if be laying some ultimatum about clear transparent string of financial info (dont let him near your accounts)

If he's not good with money I'd keep it separate.

Doesn't sound like he's under any stress, with his sugar momma funding his lifestyle. Ditch him.

He’s ran out of money before the end of the month and drinks milk from the carton? What is he 15?

Sounds like a right loser.

Again a Prince among men.

why are you even considering a bigger house? Make sure you are in a position to afford a house and your expenses solo, because if splitting is the end result I doubt very much you’ll get financial contribution from this man.

You make him feel inadequate and he doesn’t like it. Unfortunately, he clearly is inadequate, to the point that he is clearly wrong that you are point scoring - point scoring is for people who are more evenly matched. He is inadequate in a variety of important ways - he is incompetent at budgeting, excessively self-centred, sulky and childish. I have no doubt you also have faults, including making it obvious when you are annoyed and coming across as condescending. Apparently, you are also not considering the stress he is under - not sure what stress that is supposed to be that he is not already transferring directly onto you and making every bit as much your problem, so really not relevant to the situation, given the obvious fact he has fuck all interest in the stress you are under.

What stress is he under exactly?

Why didn’t he speak to you at the wedding?

Is he usually abusive?

Under no circumstances would I be looking to buy another house with this man. In fact, I'd be looking to sell the house and separate.

What exactly does he contribute to this marriage as seems like you’re financing both of you and your futures - to your own detriment where he is financially better off yet earns significant less and he speaks to you like muck.

again…what is he contributing exactly if neither financial or emotional?

Why are you with him again ?

Don't you ever share a can of pop with your significant other? Plus, I dont spit, I swallow, even when drinking from a bottle, you only backwash if you put your whole mouth over the bottle neck 😉 However, I suggest you dont even think about the situation in a public swimming pool!

Sherarara I dont necessarily disagree but that isnt the feeling i'm getting from OP

You weren’t then’t in the car where there was no other drinks available, he could either have made himself a coffee/tea or poured the milk into a glass…..he was either being a dick or being lazy, either way not on!
His sulky behaviour on holiday would of course made you react with your comment so I don’t think you were in the wrong.
However you need to discuss things going forward as it sounds like he’s harbouring feelings of resentment.

I never say this, but it's time to go. It sounds like your existence is one where you need to try and keep his face straight at the expense of your own happiness. Choose peace and happiness for you and your daughter. My mum was a doormat and do you know where it got her? Nowhere. Her husband had no respect for her and her children didn't either because she put up with vile behaviour. Don't make that your story.