Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

[illgo]

NC for this, it’s pretty outing.

DH and I have just returned from a long weekend away that we attended his school friend’s wedding (abroad). I was informed on the first day that he had no money left until the end of the month. Not the first time, but was annoyed that I was in the position of paying for transport etc during our time away.

Many discussions have been had about money management and the possibility of him getting a new job, but nothing has changed.

It’s also our DDs birthday this week and I’ve had to use my credit card to buy the presents as he has no money.

I have not once mentioned that I am annoyed about the money situation, although I am. He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others.

His mum picked us up from the airport yesterday with DD. I sat in the back of the car with DD playing and DH sat in the front. When we got home he drank straight from the milk carton his mum had bought us. I said, in a jovial way, “oh well I guess no one else is having milk”. In front of his mum, he said to me “why the fuck are you acting like this?”. Like a child. And he looked at me like he hated me. His mum said you shouldn’t be drinking out of the bottle.

Didn’t want to cause a scene in front of his mum, so said after she left, please don’t speak to me like that in front of your mum, or anyone.

He said he’d carried all the bags from holiday and wanted a drink, that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting and that I’m not considering the stress he’s under. I told him I had been supporting him, especially financially.

He said I was point scoring, I had a tone, and he won’t be engaging with me until I see his POV. he said he’ll “try” and not speak like that to me again in front of his mum

have I taken too much offence from this? Am I being precious?

He sounds an absolute delight.

Get those 'joint' savings moved to your own savings account immediately. They aren't 'joint' savings, they're your savings.

Stop keeping your feelings inside and voice them.

He's being nasty to you because he's angry that you are the bigger earner as well as the 'grown up' in the relationship. He wants you to 'put up & shut up' about money, as he's no intention of trying to earn more himself. He just expects you to make up the shortfall for him to keep him able to do expensive hobby and travel to friends wedding etc.

You're being passive-aggressive because you know that if you start telling him exactly how you feel, you may never stop, and it may well be the end of your marriage.
Somehow you've convinced yourself that keeping your mouth shut and holding in your feelings is a way to keep arguments to a minimum, and 'keep the peace'. But you're unable to stop the odd passive-aggressive comment or to be able to keep your face 'neutral' when you're seething inside.

You need a 'lay your cards on the table' kind of talk with him, being truthful and honest, but holding nothing back. You need to voice your concerns and explain your frustrations, and allow him to do the same.

Hopefully, you can reach a 'plan going forwards' with him to address the issues in your marriage.

Part of that plan, will need to be be a financial agreement.

You pay more monthly expenses than he does, and you keep the same amount of monthly money too, so he has got zero excuse to be permanently skint, other than mis-management of his own money.

You need to have a long talk, with a list of ALL outgoings (His hobby and debt are his own problem though, you won't be paying for that for him!) and ALL incoming wages. Be clear that the savings have been moved to your account due to his irresponsible financial deeds (Debt/hobby etc). You can decide later whether you'd even want to move to a bigger house with him, I suspect not...)

Then you agree who pays what monthly/yearly bills. But be crystal clear that you will NOT be subsidizing him or paying for his stuff again.

Then you simply refuse to bail him out again. He needs to treat money, and his Wife, more respectfully and to accept equal responsibility for financial decisions.

The derogatory way he spoke to you was simply not ok. His Mum knew it, and so did you. There is no justification for speaking to anyone like that, let alone a loved one. If he ever did it again, I'd be clear that that would be the end of the marriage.

I agree, every day another mumsnet post with another woman tolerating absolute bullshit behaviour from a so-called man. It's depressing.

You should want more for yourself but more importantly, your DD @illgo
Please do not let another child grow up thinking this is just how men are, she will just repeat the cycle.

Right!
All that and he can't even contribute to a birthday gift for his own child 🙄.
G

You are a family, you have a child together - you are not 2 singles. Put all the wages into 1 joint account and pay each other the same set allowance/pocket money every month for hobbies, manicure or whatever. If he cannot save from his 'pocket money' to do his expensive hobby, after paying off his debts, mortgage, bills, etc. then he can't do it until he finds a proper full-time job that pays more. Simples. Of course unless he is your daughter's main carer, which changes things.

Sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I'd be making plans to separate! You and your daughter don't have to put up with that immature behaviour!

Can you do a credit checking on your address? If he’s run up one load of debt I would like to bet there would be others.

Piece of shit he is. No way to behave. You are not being precious.

I don’t disagree but nearly always on MN poster insist that men need to pool their money as it’s the only “right” thing, but when the woman is the higher earner she is told to protect herself.

Op, if you are paying for mostly everything already… you are already doing the harshest part of being a single parent.

He seems to be a liability and someone who will be tripping you right, left and centre for the foreseeable. You have options, you don’t need to put up with this behaviour. It is much easier to be a single parent than be a single parent with a manchild.

Possibly because it is the woman the one who will be taking the lion’s share of the responsibility of bringing the children up and possible the one more likely to end up with a bad salary while trying to work and take care of the children related responsibilities most of the time.

Well for a start I would stop putting 1k into a joint account and put it into an account in your name. He sounds an absolute selfish knob.

This is a situation where the milk incident is carrying all the blame for a totally different issue.

He is bad with money, you feel not unreasonably irritated by this, he knows you do/must feel fed up with it, and he feels small about it deep down, which is why he was short with you and avoiding you at the wedding, He feels humiliated. He couldn't even help provide the gifts for his DD. I'm not defending him, just saying how he must feel deep down.

I don't know why you made the milk comment tbh.

There are issues in your marriage you could feel aggrieved about with reason, but that WAS a bit disloyal in front of his mum and did come across as a comment on him being uncouth, which, when he is already feeling financially useless, being made to feel uncouth on top of that isn't going to improve things. It was only milk which would have been finished and the bottle thrown away within days if not hours: did it really matter?

But, then, of course, it WASN'T only milk: it was the whole financial situation at the back of this.

So he has issues he does need to get on top of, but you aren't helping with passive aggressive swipes at him to alleviate your annoyance.

It would have been far better to not mention the milk, to wait till the DM had left than said something like "I feel I have been supportive with the funding of the wedding trip, so am annoyed you ignored me there." Deal with the real issue, rather than making more.

This

You'd be vastly better off away from someone who despises you OP...his friends wedding and let's you go there and pay his way 🤦‍♀️ then is sulky abd aggressive. The CF ...free your life, choose to be happy and in control

Unfortunately, the OP has already told us that her H doesn't save a penny always runs out of money before the month ends.

She has also told us that he just spends on his expensive hobby, to the detriment of the whole family.

She has also said that he has current debts and has zero interest in trying to earn more.

These are the reasons I recommended she move the money that she has managed to save towards a new home in the future.

If your H/partner is financially selfish and irresponsible, then having 'joint' savings etc is simply stupid, regardless of which sex you/they are?

So OP should stiffle her needs to not be abused in response...right, right

If their daughter wanted a bowl of cereal ...she should just learn Daddy's needs come first without protest...Okaay 🙄

What on earth are you talking about?

I am saying the milk comment should never have happened in the first place: none of that would be an issue.

Of course she shouldn't stifle her needs, but actually that was essentially what she was doing: making a quip about the milk because she wasn't raising the real issue which was him disrespecting her at the wedding.

ETA that is actually quite a common response in people who ARE suppressing their needs and feelings. They sort of leak out their frustration on smaller issues because they don't want to tackle the big issue. I am telling her she shouldn't feel she cannot tackle what really needs tackling, so not suggesting she suppress her needs at all (or the dd's cereal needs, whatever that was about ...). She should feel she can speak out and address actual issues, not take sideswipes via minor issues as an outlet.

So she needs to walk on eggshells and put up with him being a gross pig.

Well that was gross and off putting for anyone else who wanted milk. He’s gobbed in it. Selfish man

Do a proper budget. work out proportinate monthly contributions from each of you taking into account everything including child's shoes, clothes, clubs, bills , food. Factor in an extra 100 or 200 for emergencies. Set up a joint account into which you each pay the agreed amount each month on the first. Make that savings account yours not joint don't feel you have to put anything in it. Whats left over you each have to spend, if he has less thats his problem and will have to work more if he wants more.

Some of the time yes, but that’s not always the case.

I meant quite the opposite: don't walk on eggshells, hit the real issue head on.

She paid for his trip to the wedding then he rudely ignored her there.

That's a far bigger issue than drinking from the milk bottle, and, given she started the OP with that financial background, I think OP knows that is the real issue too. She's entitled to address it directly, not seek to leak out her frustration on smaller topics. To me, that IS walking on eggshells.

It is in the vast majority of the cases as it is more often the women that slow or put work in pause while raising the family, effectively allowing the man to progress their career for the benefit of the family.

if the roles are reversed, we should be telling the man to protect himself but I see why men taking the lions share of raising the children are often put into impossible situations as there is an expectation to favour the mother even if she is the higher earner and her responsibilities at home much less than the dad’s.

Op you don’t seem to be answering the most obvious questions - what do you see in him, why are you together and why do you remain together? Nothing you have said indicates he has any redeeming qualities.