Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

[illgo]

NC for this, it’s pretty outing.

DH and I have just returned from a long weekend away that we attended his school friend’s wedding (abroad). I was informed on the first day that he had no money left until the end of the month. Not the first time, but was annoyed that I was in the position of paying for transport etc during our time away.

Many discussions have been had about money management and the possibility of him getting a new job, but nothing has changed.

It’s also our DDs birthday this week and I’ve had to use my credit card to buy the presents as he has no money.

I have not once mentioned that I am annoyed about the money situation, although I am. He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others.

His mum picked us up from the airport yesterday with DD. I sat in the back of the car with DD playing and DH sat in the front. When we got home he drank straight from the milk carton his mum had bought us. I said, in a jovial way, “oh well I guess no one else is having milk”. In front of his mum, he said to me “why the fuck are you acting like this?”. Like a child. And he looked at me like he hated me. His mum said you shouldn’t be drinking out of the bottle.

Didn’t want to cause a scene in front of his mum, so said after she left, please don’t speak to me like that in front of your mum, or anyone.

He said he’d carried all the bags from holiday and wanted a drink, that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting and that I’m not considering the stress he’s under. I told him I had been supporting him, especially financially.

He said I was point scoring, I had a tone, and he won’t be engaging with me until I see his POV. he said he’ll “try” and not speak like that to me again in front of his mum

have I taken too much offence from this? Am I being precious?

Never mind who is present: he should never speak to you like that if you are alone either. You need to set a firm boundary. If he wants to stay in your relationship, he has to speak to you respectfully, and he has to work on his financial management. You need to be willing to walk away if he can’t be the partner you deserve.

If you can’t do that for your own wellbeing, imagine the impact on your DD if she hears him speaking like that and thinks that’s what she should accept.

Full apology- sit down with the finances and work out why he never has any money- otherwise i'd be skipping to a good divorce lawyer.

Fuck that. Divorce the loser and go live your life without him weighing you down.

I always feel a bot sorry for ops when people ask this though.

Sometimes we just love people. It isn't always an equation that can be balanced.

Obviously where there is violence or extreme emotional abuse, we all need to wake up to it.

But sometimes people do just love someone they know is a bit of a twat in some ways.

ETA I guess she's hoping he sorts himself financially - and I have been encouraging her to feel she can, and should, address this head-on. Sometimes we tiptoe round an issue because we know it is a touchy one, but when it starts leaking its poison out into other topics and interactions, I think it is time to hit it head on. OP, the behaviour at the wedding is an excellent basis to raise where things are at financially. I'd ask him if he ignored you there because he felt guilty/embarrassed. He might have not realised why he was avoiding you - or he might admit to something quite other, which you might as well get to the bottom of.

He's a selfish loser that hasn't an ounce of respect for himself or you.
It's your child I feel sorry for, being around such a father, who clearly doesn't like their mother.

I don’t personally know many couples where the woman put work on hold to raise kids. One person out of over 100 I work with did, she’s married to a high earning doctor and was one of the lowest performers in my workplace both before and after kids. And also seemed to be a moany parent who had her own parents helping hugely.

Everyone else took maternity leave, children went into childcare and they went back to work.

Im absolutely not saying that women never give up anything to have kids but it’s far from nearly every case.

You could have two working parents both 5 days, when the man just happens to earn more than the woman and the woman will nearly always be told on MNs that of course money should be pooled. The extra effort he went to to earn that money - qualifications, more responsibility is hardly every considered in detail. We just default to he needs her to do it, even though he may well do just as much as her at home.

Not hugely relevant to the present case unless you take the point that he ran out of money as a standalone point because that wouldn’t be tolerated on MN if he was a woman.

No, not relevant to the present case but just answering to your post. I thought the same as you and then after divorce, people started opening more to me about their struggles and shelved dreams and that was when I realised that although many mums work, it is the husband’s career that takes over as they are no longer able to fly out to conferences, able to commute to better jobs away as they need to be back in time to pick up children from wraparound care, or need to take on more flexible junior jobs that allow them to work from home when a child is ill or even taking little Johnny to regular orthodontist appointments for a year. Of course there are women on high level positions that can have great salaries and flexibility, but for everyone of those you have lots of other women who are not in such position.

I’m sorry, OP. He had no right to speak to you in that way. Or to sulk and treat you badly at the wedding. Or to expect you to pay most of the family expenses for him. I’d have said exactly the same to my H if he’d done something so childish as drinking the milk that was intended for everyone to share straight from the bottle. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s a pig. You deserve better. 💐

You are treating him very well financially - your 1k per month also goes on food shops, so essentially he has £1.1k per month to spend as he wishes and you have less than £1k?
What about things other than food shops, who pays for DDs clothes etc?
How often do you bail him out?

If he is spending more than £1.1k per month on repaying his debts and on his hobbies, how does he expect to be able to afford a larger mortgage together?

He sounds pretty awful. Some say you are passive aggressive because of the milk, I can see why you said it that way in front of his mum. But I do think you need to be more direct with him in general. Are you going to have a conversation about finances and him paying you back for the holiday spends?

If this isn't one off behaviour, I think he is likely very resentful of you. Do you think he actually likes you? What are his redeeming qualities?

He obviously thinks you’re desperate so he can treat you like shit. 💐

He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others
Why was he like this to you? I think this and his behaviour towards you is the issue here, and not how he spoke to you in front of his mum.
I would probably keep on saving the amount you have been, but with a mind to use it for your own place with your dd, separate to him. I would not stay with someone who made it clear they didn't like me. Your partner, whether you're married to them or not, should be your supporter and friend. I don't think you wouldn't stay friends with someone who behaved this way

I suppose we are all guided to some extent by our own experience. I’m not in a high level position but I have some flexibility as does my DH. Most offices workers I know do regardless of level.

I find the assumptions when it comes to men & women on MNs a bit extreme.

I live near a woman who as well as not being an ideal neighbour screams at her kids day & night. She gave up work the second she got married because she simply didn’t want to work. Those women exist as well as v dedicated SAHMs. I also know several women who married men with v high salaries & happily gave up work and have nannies etc.

It’s not the one size fits all that I find on MNs.

There’s no point trying to sugar coat this. Your life will continue to be shit all the time you stay with him.

Either break up and get your self respect back and your money or accept that nothing will improve whilst he’s allowed to leech off you.

He's angry with himself because he's failing at life hence the lashing out, you're being extremely accomodating so he disrespects you, firmly let him know that if he doesn't change his behaviour you're serving him with divorce papers.

When a man looks at you like he hates you, it’s usually because he hates you.

you need to get you and DC out of there, you’re his meal ticket. Why on earth would he go on holiday with no money? What was he expecting would happen?

He’s right he does sound selfish and disgusting. He’s also treating you very badly and your child will be picking up on this too.
You are putting up with way more than I would - if he’s not bothered about earning enough and treating you with respect then I would seriously rethink the relationship and his future in it.
Perhaps you’d be better off without him as a spouse - I honestly think you’d be happier.

He doesn't pay the same as you! You earn £3k per month and he earns half that but he ends up with more spending money. Does he contribute to child care costs or does it only come out of your money?

He sounds like an arsehole and you'd probably be better off without him, financially and emotionally. He comes across as like a pretty nasty waste of space.

Are you being precious? I'd say you're not being precious enough!

Are you not also worried about your child hearing the way he speaks to you? Letting them learn that this is okay?

You need to value yourself a lot more here OP. He shouldn't be speaking to you like this at all, not just not when someone else might be listening.

The comments grinding you on the milk comment are mad. A grown ass man is drinking out of a milk carton serving the rest of the family and any visitors. Thats disgusting. Seems like you aren’t on the same page re priorities and it’s making you both resentful of the other. You need to work on finding a compromise or accept that you’re not right for each other.

You get some water if you need a drink, you don't down from the milk carton. 🤢 You deserve so much better than this.

I don’t think he’s lost his job - OP talks about the possibility of him getting a new job, which sounds like he’s already employed but there’s a need to improve his earnings.

Jesus, ditch the leech. I wouldn’t move to a bigger house you will need more money to buy him out of.

As a complete side point - as the main issue is that this guy is complete cock - because he’ll be too stupid to understand this from GCSE biology: the amylase enzyme in his saliva starts breaking down the milk so the milk will spoil much more quickly if he’s drinking straight from the carton. It’s got nothing to do with you being precious because you exchange saliva when you kiss. but like I say that’s a side point. I’ve only ever seen someone drink from the milk carton on tv. I didn’t realise there were real life losers who did this then throw a tantrum when they’re called out on in.

If you really want to stay with him (and it’s very hard to see why you would) then you need to have the drains up on his finances. I agree with PPs that he is likely to be hiding something. If he’s not then he’s spending like a single man. That needs to stop.

Otherwise, put your house up for sale and use your savings to buy a smaller place for you and DD. He can live with his mum and drink from her milk cartons.

You obviously have relationship issues that need working through but I think the milk comment was an unnecessary passive aggressive dig. My husband and I share drinks all the time, granted there is no one else drinking them but I cant see the issue with sharing with someone you have shared bodily fluids with 😬 But yes, the money issues, being aggressive and disrespectful are a problem. You may think you havent mentioned the money problems but he is clearly getting the vibes from you. Its probably time to sit down and talk this through properly as you both seem to be feeling resentful 😔