Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

[illgo]

NC for this, it’s pretty outing.

DH and I have just returned from a long weekend away that we attended his school friend’s wedding (abroad). I was informed on the first day that he had no money left until the end of the month. Not the first time, but was annoyed that I was in the position of paying for transport etc during our time away.

Many discussions have been had about money management and the possibility of him getting a new job, but nothing has changed.

It’s also our DDs birthday this week and I’ve had to use my credit card to buy the presents as he has no money.

I have not once mentioned that I am annoyed about the money situation, although I am. He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others.

His mum picked us up from the airport yesterday with DD. I sat in the back of the car with DD playing and DH sat in the front. When we got home he drank straight from the milk carton his mum had bought us. I said, in a jovial way, “oh well I guess no one else is having milk”. In front of his mum, he said to me “why the fuck are you acting like this?”. Like a child. And he looked at me like he hated me. His mum said you shouldn’t be drinking out of the bottle.

Didn’t want to cause a scene in front of his mum, so said after she left, please don’t speak to me like that in front of your mum, or anyone.

He said he’d carried all the bags from holiday and wanted a drink, that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting and that I’m not considering the stress he’s under. I told him I had been supporting him, especially financially.

He said I was point scoring, I had a tone, and he won’t be engaging with me until I see his POV. he said he’ll “try” and not speak like that to me again in front of his mum

have I taken too much offence from this? Am I being precious?

His behaviour is abusive. It will get worse. How dare he treat you - who he is supposed to love and cherish - in such a way. Put it in the context of what would you say if this were happening to a good friend of yours? You’d say that she didn’t deserve such disrespect and tell her she deserved much better. So do you.

Why are you making your life and the life of your child so shit by staying with such a vile human? Just imagine your daughter having a partner like him in the future, she will do because you are showing her what she should accept.

This - and the money. If you can’t do that without conflict and abuse, then I think you might need to consider that your marriage is over and start planning an exit strategy.

Passive aggression on your part @illgo doesn’t help, but it’s easy to slip into when you find yourself walking on eggshells around someones’s moods whilst suppressing your resentment. I’d also be inclined to open an experian or clear score account and check his finances. Its really easy to do - new email, just complete in his name and confirm address. I once did this on my DH, 10-12 years ago (yes I am ashamed) because he was not taking the time to actually sit and talk trough finances and I was feeling unable to ask him for money for the kids. Fortunately, it meant that I understood that we were fine financially and he was just trying to protect joint/family finances from the perceived risk of my past spending/debt management habits [from decades earlier]. The judgment and lack of faith, given we were married, joint home owners and had children together, really hurt even though I understood where it was rooted.

We were able to sit and discuss this rationally and he has all my Experian log on details too so he can see what I am doing at any time. He hasn’t needed to because he realised latterly that he was being a bit controlling and holding me to account over past behaviours - we now have total transparency.

If you can’t get to this position, then there is an underlying issue of lack of trust and without a plan to re-establish that, your marriage outlook is not good.

OP how are the finances divided between you? It's unclear how each of you contribute to the running of the house, how much personal spending you each have etc.

No way should he have spoken to you like that. His attitude and language was appalling.

You are worrying about the wrong thing. How he speaks to you in front of his mum is the least of your worries. His poor financial management, the fact that he uses you, the sulking, the point scoring, the lack of consideration.... these are all much bigger issues. And that he speaks to you like that in front of his mother is a pretty clear sign that he really doesn't care.

He is feeling ashamed of himself and lashing out. He is trying to "level" you and bring you down so he feels better about himself (which doesn't work so then he feels even worse). It also makes him hypersensitive to any perceived criticism which will make your life hell.
Unless he works on himself things will not get any better and it will drag you down (even more than you are currently).

Also the fact that he didn't mention the money problems until you actually got there!! WTF? What if you both did that and you were caught out. Like he seriously knew this was going on but kept quiet for a week or longer.

I would be more concerned about him speaking to you like that in front of your child than your MIL, and behaving towards you as he did all weekend in front of your child.

Did he swear like that in front of dd?

Why was he in a sulk with you all w/e?

Why are so many women putting up with shithead husbands?

You deserve better. Life is way too short to waste it on selfish idiots.

How on earth is her comment disrespectful? How is lightly asking somebody to not be disrespectful, also disrespectful?

Whut?

Why were you wasting money that you couldn’t afford going to a wedding abroad

This man sounds truly horrible.

Finances are I earn £3k/pcm and he earns £1.6k/pcm. He has expensive hobbies which appear to take precedence. Bills are fairly low (very small mortgage), and around £500 each. I put £1k into joint savings (we want to buy a bigger house), £500 to childcare costs. Leaves me with £1k and him with £1.1k a month. Always runs out, and says I earn more than him so it’s not fair he pays the same as me. I pay for all weekly shops.

He has debts which need to be paid off, he’s on a payment plan for this. I think it’s £100 a month but not sure.

He has about £5k worth of hobby stuff, won’t sell any of it, despite not needing it all.

Wedding holiday was paid for last year, he paid me back monthly. Said he had saved money for the holiday but then said he’d run out. Had to pay for meals (on days that weren’t the wedding) and transport to and from airport.

The discussion about milk is infuriating, i frequently tell him I don’t like sharing drinks, he says we kiss what’s the difference.

His mum was quite obviously embarrassed and saw me tearing up. DD was playing the garden.

You are passive aggressive and he is taking the piss. You need to change your approach - stop hiding your anger and then making snide remarks and stop paying for joint expenses to cover his laziness/stinginess. Use your anger properly to have discussions with him and hold him to account.

And he looked at me like he hated me.

He does hate you. You don't like him much either. Do you really want to live like this?

You currently have a small mortgage yet you seem open to getting into further debt with a man who runs out of money midway through the month then blames you for it. Jeez. Please be careful, OP. And maybe stop kissing him while you're at it.

I think separate finances are a good idea if he's the type who runs out of money before the end of the month. At least the OP can retain a degree of control until she dumps him.

You need to sit him down and make it clear that whilst you earn more than him you also pay more than him. If the £500 each is for bills fine, but you pay extra for food shopping each week, what does that come to? I would also point out you are saving £1k a month to allow you to move to a bigger house, he saves nothing I assume. I am also assuming you pay everything for your child if he has no money left each month and his hobbies take priority

i would point out he has options, one is to sell the hobby stuff he no longer uses if it’s £5k then say £3k into savings for a new house, after all why should it just be you and £2k for him. Two if he wants more money he finds a better paying job. Three he needs to start looking at his finances and managing, so working out how much he can actually spend on his hobbies, how much is needed for other stuff, what he can save etc. he can either get you go through the stuff with him and keep check, or plenty of stuff online that can help him

Finally I would point out he is an adult not a second child and he needs to start acting like one

He "wanted a drink" and was surly and sulky. Could he be alcoholic? Is that why he runs out of money?

You deserve better.

£1600 take home is less than minimum wage for a full time job? (£1780)
Does he have no qualifications etc?
Could he retrain if so?

Do you really think this is what a relationship should be like, op? The fact his mum wasn’t absolutely mortified and that he’d speak like that in front of her tells me everything about what he’s like. Why are you with him? You don’t actually really like each other at all.

Another vote here for separate finances. I bet most of it you’ve put in? Take out what you’ve put in sharpish. You can still do the house etc if that’s what you want but I’d be separating it

I’d take put everything I’d put into the savings , leaving it in a ‘joint’ account is a joke, then kick him the fuck out. He can take his hobby stuff with him so he should be happy enough. He’d better if he were my partner as I couldn’t guarantee its safety if he didn’t.

Don’t buy again with him. He is absolutely a user. Get into therapy to find out why you accept this treatment.

I recommend not moving to a bigger house. It will be more cost for you either together or apart.