Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

[illgo]

NC for this, it’s pretty outing.

DH and I have just returned from a long weekend away that we attended his school friend’s wedding (abroad). I was informed on the first day that he had no money left until the end of the month. Not the first time, but was annoyed that I was in the position of paying for transport etc during our time away.

Many discussions have been had about money management and the possibility of him getting a new job, but nothing has changed.

It’s also our DDs birthday this week and I’ve had to use my credit card to buy the presents as he has no money.

I have not once mentioned that I am annoyed about the money situation, although I am. He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others.

His mum picked us up from the airport yesterday with DD. I sat in the back of the car with DD playing and DH sat in the front. When we got home he drank straight from the milk carton his mum had bought us. I said, in a jovial way, “oh well I guess no one else is having milk”. In front of his mum, he said to me “why the fuck are you acting like this?”. Like a child. And he looked at me like he hated me. His mum said you shouldn’t be drinking out of the bottle.

Didn’t want to cause a scene in front of his mum, so said after she left, please don’t speak to me like that in front of your mum, or anyone.

He said he’d carried all the bags from holiday and wanted a drink, that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting and that I’m not considering the stress he’s under. I told him I had been supporting him, especially financially.

He said I was point scoring, I had a tone, and he won’t be engaging with me until I see his POV. he said he’ll “try” and not speak like that to me again in front of his mum

have I taken too much offence from this? Am I being precious?

He doesn’t like you. You don’t treat people you care about like that. Just end it. It’s not worth the hassle.

All these grown men; husbands and fathers, who will sponge off spouses without a second thought, fail to pull their weight in the household, act like stroppy teenagers at the drop of a hat, and above all, devote every scrap of attention and cash to some non-negotiable ‘hobby’.
To hell with family life; a man must have his man time. I can’t see much point in them as life partners, as they all, to a man, drag their wives down and greatly increase her workload.

Jeeeezus how the hell are u both running out of money?!

Dont buy a bigger house

Get a smaller one for you and your daughter.

Raise your standards and boundaries. Good lord!

Also the fact that he didn't mention the money problems until you actually got there!! WTF? What if you both did that and you were caught out. Like he seriously knew this was going on but kept quiet for a week or longer.

My friend did this to me and we were 10 hours flight away from home! It's awful and very risky.

The difference is - she was 19.

Yes, I feel sorry for the MIL here. I suppose a lot of people will blame her for her son's behaviour though, even though he's an adult and presumably had two parents.
It is hard not to have a job/make enough money, and people seem more judgmental towards men who don't have enough money than towards women, so I do have some sympathy with that. Doesn't make it ok to speak like this though, OP, but it shouldn't be about how he speaks in front of his mum or anyone else-you should always speak respectfully to your partner and no differently because of who is around (obvious considerations like language aside).

He is hiding something? Addiction, gambling, his aggressive deflection, letting you down at the last minute. It is not good enough.

He needs to out more into the family pot and only keep the minimum amount for personal use.

What adults will drink directly from a milk carton
that other people need to use.

If they think you'll stay through anything, they'll put you through everything. Ask me how I know.

Leave him. He has absolutely no respect for you or your daughter, and yes, at best he hates you.

He sees himself as disgusting and worthless because he has to rely on you for money and he’s projecting his feelings about what he thinks you feel about him onto your tone and words.

It’s typical ‘man feels emasculated decides to despise his wife instead of himself’ behaviour.

FGS don’t buy a bigger house with him!!

What is the point in this? Genuinely?

He doesn’t even like you.
He’s literally only with you because he’s got it good but he can’t stand you and he doesn’t even try and hide it.

How is this better than being single?
Are you really ok with your DD seeing this as the norm?

He’s never going to leave because out of his salary he’ll actually have to pay bills and not waste it.
It has to be you that makes the decision.

Who drinks out the carton that's disgusting, also his mother should have spoken up and told him, just that alone has given me the ick , he acts like a child spending every penny then expecting you to foot the rest..

Are you that desperate to stay with him?! He's using you. And he doesn't like you at all. Do better for your DD and end the charade sooner rather than later. You'll be subbing him for the rest of your life otherwise.

You are enabling the life the three of you live, and he is not only happy to let you but feels he has every right to be aggrieved if you ever get a bit fed up with his behaviour.

You pay £1000 pm on bill and childcare, another £1000 into 'joint' savings.
You also pay for all the groceries, which is probably around another £400 a month.
So you are left with around £600 a month, and he has £1100, all of which he spends on himself and his hobbies. Oh, and servicing his debt.

In what what world is that fair?!

Why are you with him? Not only because of the money issue (although that's a pretty big one), but because of the way he treats you - no respect or consideration. He is a very selfish man.

BTW, drinking out of the milk container is gross and disgusting- bacteria can grow in the milk.

Whether you stay with him or not, I would immediately move the money in the 'joint' savings account into one in your name only. He is clearly unable to manage money, giving him access to more is not sensible.

I would explain to him that he needs to be contributing to the grocery bill, say £200 a month. Then you would both be left with the same amount of disposable income every month.
He can't argue that that is unfair.
(You would still be spending £1200 a month on essentials as opposed to his £700, plus you are saving to improve your family's lifestyle).

I would also say that I would no longer make up the shortfall if he runs out of money. There's absolutely no reason why you should. He's got to learn to live within his means.

But, having said all that, if I were in your position, I would be making plans to separate. I would not want to live with a selfish man who had no respect for me, and who indulged his hobbies but would not contribute anything to improving his daughter's lifestyle.

You said he looked at you like he hated you - that was the mask slipping, OP.
Time to move on.

This does not meet the definition of a marriage. You aren't in it together. You may be legally tied together but there is no affection

Don't buy a bigger house with him, he must have a problem with money for example drinking or gambling there's no way he'd run out of money that quick. Stop bailing him out, he gives me the ick having to borrow money etc . He's a man child

I would not be buying a bigger house with someone who can’t budget. You are going to be lumped with more expense.

Fine spending money on a hobby if it is ‘spare’ money but why isn’t he saving towards this new house? He has not got ‘spare’ money.

I do find that if someone speaks to you with contempt it is the overspill of an inner contempt. More so after a (paid for by you) trip abroad.

If they look at you like they hate you? Then they do.

He can go back and drink milk at his mammy’s house. Although she will likely be blamed for his predicament and be treated the same as you.

Think on OP.

You both sound like you need to work on your communication and boundaries. Not saying something outright about how you feel will come out in different likely passive-aggressive ways.

So his total contribution to the mortgage, council tax, food, utilities, household expenses,insurance, childcare costs and other incidental joint living costs is £500!

He saw you coming didn’t he, he is in the fortunate position of paying for his hobby and paying off his debts because YOU are heavily subsidising his living costs. If he has a thousand pounds free money available every month he needs to be paying off his debts at a higher rate than £100 a month for a start.

The OP is also forking out £500 a month for childcare, which seems to be another expense the weasel is dodging.

OP does DH have any qualifications? His monthly take home sounds like minimum wage, so although you've discussed changing jobs realistically what types of jobs is he qualified to get?

I wonder if the expensive hobby is his way of elevating his own self worth or trying to keep up with friends who have better paid jobs?

Weddings abroad can be fun but they can also be massively expensive for the guests, as usually there's a few events or meals surrounding wedding that hit the wallets hard. All the ingredients are there for uncontrollable spending if you're not carefully staying on top of it.

He’s a bit cunty isn’t he. Selfish, nasty, and honestly he can’t afford his hobby.
My first official LTB. Nasty little man

Why is he earning so little Op? I earned more than that as an apprentice 8 years ago.

Why do lots of women marry pr**ks? He sounds ghastly so if you had not gone to the wedding, he would have had to solve transport etc.

I have said YABU because you both sound like it. It’s both of your money as you are married. So there is no ‘my money his money.’ You sound like you do not like each other. So get a divorce

Is the hobby Warhammer? Does he sit around playing games 24/7, burying his head in the sand?

Finances should be split equally when you live as equals and love one another.

If the debt was created by him - That's fair enough. So long as you didn't benefit from whatever he bought with it

I wouldn't be buying a house with him. He really does sound rotten. He needs to resolve his issues with therapy and his mother needs to have a stern word with him, if she's already witnessed his behaviour. Sounds like she might be the person you need to turn to...then I would kick him out, or leave. UC will top up your wages and they pay upto 85% childcare fees if you ever needed a minder.