Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

[illgo]

NC for this, it’s pretty outing.

DH and I have just returned from a long weekend away that we attended his school friend’s wedding (abroad). I was informed on the first day that he had no money left until the end of the month. Not the first time, but was annoyed that I was in the position of paying for transport etc during our time away.

Many discussions have been had about money management and the possibility of him getting a new job, but nothing has changed.

It’s also our DDs birthday this week and I’ve had to use my credit card to buy the presents as he has no money.

I have not once mentioned that I am annoyed about the money situation, although I am. He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others.

His mum picked us up from the airport yesterday with DD. I sat in the back of the car with DD playing and DH sat in the front. When we got home he drank straight from the milk carton his mum had bought us. I said, in a jovial way, “oh well I guess no one else is having milk”. In front of his mum, he said to me “why the fuck are you acting like this?”. Like a child. And he looked at me like he hated me. His mum said you shouldn’t be drinking out of the bottle.

Didn’t want to cause a scene in front of his mum, so said after she left, please don’t speak to me like that in front of your mum, or anyone.

He said he’d carried all the bags from holiday and wanted a drink, that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting and that I’m not considering the stress he’s under. I told him I had been supporting him, especially financially.

He said I was point scoring, I had a tone, and he won’t be engaging with me until I see his POV. he said he’ll “try” and not speak like that to me again in front of his mum

have I taken too much offence from this? Am I being precious?

It’s time to walk away. You and your DD deserve better.

Oh god this. He isn't a 13 year old and you are not his mum to be topping up his piggy bank. The fact that he just told you he didn't have any money and just expected you to cough up is extremely unattractive. You need to tighten your purse strings and I'm sure he'll be talking like that more often, he sounds as if he already resents you.
Why was he being horrid on holiday, especially after telling you he'd no money? Were you not being generous enough with him?

And you are with him because?

Also if my brothers did or said anything like that to the wives in front of my mother they wouldn’t live to see another day.

Same!

What's the point of this rude child?

I’d say you know what, this is a joke. You’ve had me pay for you to be consistently an asshole to me at your friends wedding. Why would I stay in a relationship where I fund you and you’re a total dick to me?? Who would stay in a relationship like that? I don’t want to point score, I do want you to take your bullshit attitude and leave, and your mum and your friends who were at the wedding will only be surprised it’s taken me this long.

He is behaving very badly but at least his mum supported you about the milk and he agreed he shouldn't have spoken to you like that. It's likely that your very reasonable frustration about money has been obvious to him even though unspoken, so best say it out loud.

that I was insinuating he was selfish and disgusting

Dude - you are drinking straight from a milk carton others have to drink from. That IS selfish and disgusting!

It sounds like the marriage is over, you don't like each other, other people are being made to feel uncomfortable with you snapping at each other and him ignoring you at a wedding.
This fraught, contemptuous environment isn't enhancing anyone's life.

Well. The root of the issue is why he has no money. It seems to be entirely legitimate because he doesn’t earn much hence you wanting him to get a better job.
What he was not oblivious to was your attitude towards him. That you were annoyed. And I suspect it clearly showed.
You have said much about how he was over the weekend. But not how you were to him.

So I could not answer if you were unreasonable or not. His reactions may well be the result of how you behaved towards him.

No he should not drink from the milk carton. No he should not swear.

He is probably feeling low about the money. And not being able to find a job that pays more.

You either fundamentally respect him or you don’t.

He is thoughtless and selfish. The money and expectation you’ll pay. Not buying his child presents and expecting you to sort it and drinking from carton (yuk)
His mum sounds nice and kind, picking you up and getting you a bit of shopping.
Realistically you need to have a frank conversation. It sounds like you are probably heading to divorce.
It’s not the milk it’s what it represents. There’s that famous article my wife left me because I left my mug in the side.

So he's rubbish with money and you sub him every month? Does he ever pay you back? Then he sulks about it and refuses to talk to you at a wedding? Then he puts you down in front of his mum (who I am really pleased told him too not to drink out of the carton!), and now demands you see it from his point of view? He's a manipulative sod isn't he?

What a catch. I mean, yeah, what a catch. I do hope there is something redeeming about this man because I can't understand why you're with him.

Why are you with him? He sounds like an idiot

@illgo oh that’s horrible. Not even grateful for your support. LTB!

Uurrgggh what do you see in him?? He can’t even manage his money until the end of the month? Ick. He can’t even help buy his child’s birthday presents. Ick. He speaks to you like shit, even in front of people. Ick. You pay for stuff at the wedding and he can’t even talk to you whilst he was there. You see where I’m going? You’d be better off alone. More money, less stress and one less manchild. I couldn’t and wouldn’t live my life like this. It’s far too short!

I am surprised a conversation about mpney was not had before departure. Drinking from a bottle is selfish. He should not be talking to you in a disrespectful way full stop. He will try? His it his default setting to be disrespectful? Perhaps you need some time away from each other?

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing and you have way bigger problems than him speaking to you like that in front of his mum.

I genuinely do not understand why you are happy living this life.

Agree with this, and all the others, he's a bad partner.

What does he bring to your life? Please don’t say he’s a great dad because he can’t be really if he’s childish, selfish, petulant and can’t manage money.

No man or woman who has any decency would speak to their partner the way your DH has spoken to and treated you and it sounds as if it wasn’t a once off either. He sounds horrible and has no respect for you. Consider leaving him, you’ll be happier. Your DD deserves better than to witness his carry on.

This. Your jovial comment was just as disrespectful as him drinking the milk out of the carton in the first place. But he sounds awful and it seems as if you have built up resentment from having to pay for everything.

In another relationship shared roles and responsibilities as well as finances wouldn't play out like this.

You only gave us a snapshot but if this is what you are both like all the time you might be better to split.

I haven't voted because while it's not your aibu, you are bu to remain with him. Why on earth did he wait until you were on holiday to tell you he had no money. Was a budget not worked out for the holiday? Because if I was unemployed the very last thing I'd be doing is travelling abroad to a wedding.

Eugh! He's selfish, filthy and disrespectful.

It sounds like you do not share finances with the incompetent, and for very good reason. Why did he just assume though, he could leave it until that point to tell you he has no money, and you'd fix it?
What would have happened if you'd just said you had no money either?

I just couldn't ☹️.

Is it OK with you if he speaks to you like that when you are on your own?

He is selfish and disgusting whether you are financially subsidising him or not. He could have got a glass but he didn't because he's selfish, disgusting AND lazy. Being sarcastic is not the same as being jovial and you should stop trying to disguise your disgust for his disgusting behaviour by pretending it is. Just tell him drinking out of the milk carton is unhygienic.

There is no point complaining about him being bad with money if it's nothing new. Either he can't or he won't change.

You are married to a disrespectful pig. It seems he's been this way for sometime and you are responding to his toxic behaviour with some of your own. Only you can decide if he adds anything positive to your life or if the marriage is worth salvaging.

He sounds like a child
Why was he going away to a wedding abroad when he is broke?
And drinking out a carton is gross.