Update: to feel as though contextual offers are unfair

[YourWaryHam]

Update regarding this
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5567476-aibu-to-feel-contextual-offers-are-unfair-after-my-sons-results?callback=in&code=YTYYNJU0NZUTMJAZMY0ZY2RKLWE5NZQTNTY4ZDRLYZQ2YTU3&reply=154196625&state=efb9c2356e9442fe90af05997d0b47e9

Hi,
I posted here yesterday about my son and stopped responding because, to be honest, I was hurt for him and I think my post came across as ridiculous. I didn’t say he was the hardest working boy in the world, but he is hardworking, and as his mum I’m obviously going to think that my son is hardworking whether that is true or not I base it on who he is, he’s spent majority of his life being very disciplined ie waking up early for rowing sessions etc.

He was rejected from Oxford because he didn’t meet the offer of 2 A stars and an A on results day. We understand that wholeheartedly he didn’t meet the offer case closed. He was accepted into Durham for economics and maths which unfortunately wasn’t the university he wanted. We’ve visited Durham he didn’t dislike it but it’s not the uni for him, he preferred other unis that weren’t oxford but declined their offers. We had been warned about the importance of his insurance choice and we did speak to him about it, but I suppose he was a little arrogant about it all. He’s certainly learnt his lesson now.

We did submit his for remarks because, looking at the grade boundaries, he was very close to getting 3 A stars only two marks off one on one of his subjects. Which is why he was near miss, on results day he was in a waiting pool essentially on hold. We’re still waiting for the Further Maths remark, but that was a few more marks off but we are willing to risk it so he may not even need to resit anything, but we’ll see.
The school isn’t against resits plenty of students resit all the time a friend of ours their son resat last year as he missed on one of his subject and the remark didn’t change. He’s off to uni this year having achieved the grades required. Sometimes students have mitigating circumstances that affect how they do on their exams in May/June.

Either way, he now has 2 A stars and an A. He is a hardworking boy, like so many other students, and this year has also been incredibly difficult for him as he lost someone very close to him, which affected him a lot. I think it’s tough for anyone who has lost a someone they’re close to, to suicide no one knows how they’d deal with that. I sympathise with my son, he did his best whilst also attending therapy we are super proud of him.

We’re going to look around Edinburgh on their open day and see what he thinks as we recently visited the city and he liked it a lot. He is still applying to Oxford again at least this time he has actual grades not predicted, they apply early so he’ll have time to make decisions if he doesn’t get an offer this time. Last time he got an interview and smashed it but he knows he might not get an interview. He has the grades and can do economics so it’s simply a case of whether he gets an interview and, if he does, how it goes. Oxford is incredibly competitive and, honestly, he was lucky to get an interview and get as far as he did last time. There are so many incredibly bright children applying, and there will always be people who are just as bright, if not brighter, than him.

He’s happy to take the gap year anyway. He wants to work for a while as he’s working in an art gallery and throughly enjoying it then hopefully do some travelling, lots of his friends are taking gap years anyway. His girlfriend was always planning to take a gap year, work and travel, so he’ll probably join her.

I do understand how privileged we are. Saying that we want the best for our child doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate that other parents want exactly the same for theirs. We know we’re very lucky to have had the means to send our children to private school. My original post was a typo filled rant not exactly thinking and looking back, it was definitely a privileged rant. That wasn’t my intention, but I can see how it came across that way, and for that I genuinely apologise.

Ultimately I’m just happy for my son he has been through a lot this academic year I think he should just chill and have fun. Those grades are his and he can do whatever he wants with them. We’ve had a long chat about everything a few tears from me and DH nearly got teary we are just so proud of him. He knows that, even if it isn’t Oxford, he has plenty of options. With 2 A*s and an A, regardless of what happens with the FM remark. He can apply to so many excellent universities and doesn’t need to rely on predicted grades. Other than Oxford and Cambridge, lots of universities don’t require an interview. He’s applied for two courses some unis only maths other econ and maths which is what he wants to study anyway.

People saying maybe he’s not that clever because he missed his offer…. You might be right.

He’ll be applying with achieved grades this time rather than predicted grades, so whatever happens he will be fine. His mocks he achieved 3 A stars but this was before his friends passing. He has now got 2 A stars and hopefully this other remark is a success if not that’s fine. His school did let us know that Oxford do take into account mitigating circumstances but our son did not want that associated with his application so no mention of that to either of the universities. He just wanted to focus on revision at the time. I think a gap year is a good idea he’ll have time to think, and reflect on things beyond just education maybe come October time he might not even want to apply to oxford. He’s said he’s going to have a big think after the lengthy conversation.

He’s a privileged boy and maybe I haven’t done the best job at making sure he knows that since this is his first set back in life but he is 17 he will learn and has lots more time for set backs. We will keep guiding him and make better decisions as parents all I can do is try to do even better with his younger siblings in terms of then knowing their privileges.

People don't keep piling on. OP acknowledged her mistakes. She is rightly proud of her son and they have all learnt valuable lessons. Let's leave it at congratulating this young man on fantastic results and wishing him all the best for the future, wherever that may lead. OP if you ever need to post about Alevels and uni try Higher Education thread.

He sounds like an incredible young man who has worked very hard and I’d be very proud of him.

I hope you and DH aren’t putting too much pressure on him, even if unintentionally (eg if both you and DH went to Oxford).

I would encourage him to take a gap year, work, get some money, travel, party, have fun etc and then decide what uni and course he would like to do.

There is too much pressure on young people.
It sounds like he could do with a year of not having to worry about grades.

I said that because it seems to upset people the grades he got because he’s at an independent school. Some started comparing to other children etc so I’m agreeing with them. I know what my son is capable of. If I say he’s bright I’ll be bragging. I’m not here to argue with people.

It’s fine if it’s the same OP.

There are regularly threads giving updates after an OP has left a marriage or suspected an affair etc.

I know it seems harsh - but I know LOTS of people who missed out on their first choice top-drawer unis (my DS included last week - one grade, on one A level, 2 marks in it and yes we’ve asked for a remark… but the uni refused to engage at all). I know just as many who made it into those unis and have been monumentally unhappy and moved after one year (my DD, ironically, this week).

At the moment it feels raw. It feels life changing - negatively - but it really isn’t and it won’t be long term. In 10 years time no one will care where your DS studied (in fact that may be the case in 3 years because HR depts often do blind selection where the uni’s are blanked so that they cannot see if a candidate got their first from Kingston or an Oxbridge uni). This is an opportunity to model positivity and develop resilience in your DC because, honestly every child I know who has had to go to second choice unis or via clearing as been so happy when they get there, that they later come to realise ti was absolutely the best thing to have happened.

My own DS is at a uni we visited but did not apply to (as it was too close to home) but the course his tech college signposted to him was one he has missed in the months of screening, reading and open day… yet is a better course. It has even more modules in his area of interest than he had realised was possible (especially as his interests have both deepened and broadened in Y2 of A Levels, when he covered new topics). The departmental staff were incredible - warm, encouraging, continually reiterating who bloody proud he should be with the results he got, before explaining all the overseas placement and research opportunities they could offer him… far more than either his firm or insurance uni. If their conduct and attitude are anything to go by, then the pastoral care and student support will be second to none and I am so happy he is now going to a uni where i truly think he will be happy. Turns out his BFF from Y4 onwards is also there and on the same course, so he is ecstatic.

So my advice is, stop focusing on Cambridge and focus on just how bloody well he has done, on all the opportunities available at the new uni/on the course. Remind him that he could still apply to Cambridge in 3 years to do a Masters if he wants to as he has brilliant grades and a first is likely achieve able wherever he goes. Tell him how blood proud you are of him, how brilliant he is and that you love him for all of him, not his grades. He will genuinely look back in mere weeks to this moment and wonder what the fuss was about.

Life really does have a knack of working out for the best - that’s the message you need to take on board and the one you need to give your DC.

Surely, the friend's suicide has rung alarm bells over the pressure young people are under. If your son found the maths tutoring job in South America and the maths competition in the States by himself, applied and financed himself to do these, then he is putting himself under too much pressure. If this was all organised by you, what do you think that infers about your expectations?

The friends suicide has nothing to do with pressure from academic there were other factors at play last I checked.

Son always wanted to go to South America to teach he planned it a year in advance he loved his time there he organised it himself says that’s one of the best experiences of his summer. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that he didn’t even want to leave, he got emotional he had bonded with those kids.

Yes, this. While the update and the apology are nice on the surface, most of the acceptance about being wrong in her rant was still about how fantastic her son is and how one bad thing happening in his life caused this.

He's incredibly fortunate tbh that this is the first time he's faced a tragedy (and it is a terrible tragedy, and I'm terribly sorry about his friend) and then felt he's been handed a his first 'loss' in life by not getting the university he wanted. This despite being offered an amazing alternative, an alternative that most students in the country could only dream of. She has still completely ignored the reality of the absolute need for contextual offers for so many children in this country.

And now he's going to flounce for a year because he has the absolute privilege to be able to do so ... a jolly working/travelling/navel gazing over his 'misfortune' to 'only' be offered Durham.

I think all you needed to say was that you now have a better understanding of contextual offers.

Everything else is stuff that your son will work through over the next year.

Who knows where he will end up but I'm sure a bright, engaged student will do well.

Just a side note - exam papers are NOT ‘re-marked’. A senior examiner checks that the marking is error free. Marks can go down as well as up. Since most people who ask for a review of marking are already sitting close to a boundary, it’s inevitable that some of the changes (and there are fewer than people would have you believe) will result in a student crossing the boundary to a higher grade. Others may end up further below the boundary as a result of lower marks, but you don’t hear about those. People generally do not request a review of marking if they are a long way below the boundary.

Why does he have to go to Durham if he doesn’t want to ? I haven’t said it’s a bad uni neither has he ? I’m confused where this assumption is coming from. His well-being matters too surely it’s good for him to pick a uni he likes. I have said he was silly and arrogant in terms of his insurance choice and he has learnt from that. He knows he might not get into Oxford he now wants to do better research on other unis ie Edinburgh being one of them.

I have apologise I’m not saying my son is the best I just updated on the remark we have one more we are waiting on. That’s not the impression I’m trying to give.

Yes this was explained to us by his school. It is a gamble and we are willing to take it and see.

Except on Mumsnet, where people request a review and expect a B to turn into an A star.

It was A though a few marks off ? We have access to the grace boundaries and know what his marks were paper by paper, his teacher has requested his papers to go through them but the first remake has since come back as an A star. Surely that’s fair to request.

You have, and can't do more than that.

This just has fuck all to do with contextual offers. You’re annoyed and punching down.

I think you made a big mistake asking for a remark. What you teach your son now will affect how he deals with disappointment for the rest of his life. If he learns whinging, crying, demanding the result is checked again and again is the way to go, he’s learning a lesson that actively reduces the chances of high achievement in the future.

Help him become a high achiever, not just a kid with potential. The world’s full of disappointed people who had potential. One of the hallmarks of the people who go on to use their potential is that they can deal with failure and learn from it. No remarks.

All the other issues aside OP, I think a gap year for an August-born student is a good idea. DS went to university 3 weeks after turning 18, and he was 1-2 years younger than all his contemporaries, as so many students defer these days. It was all fine, but I think an extra year of maturing before moving away might have made things a bit easier.

Where did I say that you specifically had done this?

I know I was just punching now and I have apologised it was a stupid rant.

Oh alright my bad aha

Lol me too.

Luckily my application was passed to another department at my first choice uni who called me up and said do you want to study x? I said I have no idea what that is. They said it’s similar and it’s going to suit you much better. They were right and that was a lucky break.

I think you should be open minded OP. I like to think everything (well most things - bar the death of his friend!) happens for a reason.

That’s another way to say get onto clearing!

Fair enough. Remarks exist for a reason the stats and evidence say the first marking is only usually about 80%. He didn’t whinge or cry, he was disappointed and said he will work harder he didn’t say it was anyone’s fault. That’s me I was the one that was immature my son was far more mature than I was he handed it very well. Knew he made the wrong decision in terms of his insurance even admitted he was very arrogant.

I’ve got no idea what’s going on here- have his grades actually changed? A re-mark request is no guarantee.

I think it might be best to take a bit of a step back and let your son decide for himself what he wants to do- resit, look at other unis, work for a year etc.

Also you sound very very wound up, I would step away from Mumsnet for a bit and do something for yourself. Your son has great grades anyway and obviously has huge support from you and his school. He’s privileged in that there are only good options out there for him. The challenge is just to give him a bit of space to decide what he wants to do without any pressure.