AIBU to feel contextual offers are unfair after my son's results?

[ThatQuickLilacOrca]

Results Day last Thursday and son is beyond devastated. This experience has made us realise that there’s so much discrimination on children who have attended private school. We are not wealthy at all, DHs parents have helped us pay for our three children’s education. DH and I have normal jobs I work in the civil service and DH works in policy side of things for network rail.

Anyway I am saying this because of contextual offers why can’t everyone just get the same offer based on merit. Our son had an oxford offer he missed that he got AAA instead of his offer which was A A A now he cannot go to his dream university he was rejected as he missed the offer. He is planning to resit further maths again in hopes of getting an A and we will support him with that it’s just quite sad but he’ll get over it he’ll apply again for next year the school has been ever so supportive.

He overachieved on his offer yet there’s kids getting in with less grades than him just because of the schools they go to. We did initially think for him to go to grammar school for sixth form as we have friends who’s children left independently school for sixth form for grammar schools to get lower offers for Oxbridge and one of them messaged me saying “I told you so” as her son got into Oxford for the exact same course he was just given a lower offer. I am so annoyed

I guess this is a lesson for my son he has realised the world isn’t fair and it’s quite a motivator for him. He’s a hardworking boy, he has spent some is his summer in South America teaching maths, he went to a maths competition in America this summer too, this is a very dedicated boy we have spoken to the university but they wrong budge they’re willing for him to resit and reapply next year.

I think contextual offers should only really be for young carers, children who have been in foster care, children with disabilities etc not just because of your address and the school you go to that is very unfair. Most parents at Indys are catching onto this lots are sending their children to grammar schools/state schools so they get lower offers. It’s an awful system that we have in this country. I’m so hurt for him but I know this will motivate him. He’s our eldest and we were looking forward to dropping him off at Oxford not Durham, he out Durham as his insurance he never wanted to go there! They did accept him but what’s the point, he was so upset when he logged into UCAS to see that and some is my friends advice was that he should just go to Durham why should he go to a university he doesn’t want to to. He put them as insurance because it’s the smart thing to do but deep down he always thought he’d get into Oxford. He still went out and celebrated his friends but he’ll be back to school in September, he’s looking forward to visiting his friends that are going to university and he’s recently got a part time job at an art gallery and he’s loving it so at least he’s got an extra year to enjoy that.

Sorry for the rant. Any parent just wants their son to be happy he’ll get over it in a couple of weeks as his application needs to be in by Oct so we will have to just see how this round goes he’s willing to give it one more shot.

If he had gone to the local comprehensive then he may have got lower still eg ABB & would have never been in the running for Oxbridge.

He got the grades he got despite having every advantage in education.

I think people can game the system by sending their kids to state college after many years of private advantage & then tutor on top. That's what the unis should be cracking down on.

He's had the privilege of an expensive education, I would expect him to do better than a child at a state school
I agree it's a bit of a flaw if people can fiddle the system and switch for 6th form, but I thought people had to disclose where they did GCSES?

Life is unfair in all sorts of ways. My son has suffered some serious illness and adversity but none of it is the kind of thing that will make a difference to what grades universities ask for. He missed chunks of school and just got on at taught himself.

State school kids had basically zero teaching in lockdown, mine didn't even have any contact from their school between march and September. Their private school friends had online school days.

I think this country likes to discriminate against children whose parents just want the best of the best for their children. We aren’t toffs or whatever we went to Edinburgh and had a great time. Our son is now also considering Edinburgh we didn’t take him to the open day, we recently went to Edinburgh and he loved it so this time round he will put them as his insurance as he wouldn’t mind going there.

It is a shit system when parents can game the system and it’s wholly unfair for children who actually need contextual offers. We know other parents who are very wealthy and they sent their children to state schools for sixth form for this exact reason so it’s not exactly a fair system anyway. DH and I didn’t think to do that as we know what our son is capable of achieving. He didn’t achieve the offer grades so I understand Oxford’s decision I’m just upset because I know parents who gamed the system now their children are going to Oxford and Cambridge.

But, leaving aside the typo on what grades, your lad had every opportunity to get a great education. If he'd been to my school with me he'd probably have left at 16 because we weren't even expected to apply for uni, let alone Oxbridge.

So he's not got Oxbridge, but grades to steam into any other university in the UK or abroad.

There has to be leveling up, you boy probably had 9 other kids in his class....all of whom were intelligent and over achievers...I bet he didn't go to school with a kid who vanished for two years because he was in borstal or the kid who regularly ate plastercene or the girls who dropped out because they were pregnant or the ones who didn't speak English at home or the ones who smoked at the back of the classroom...like I did

Does anyone real use the word "toffs" ?

Assuming this is real - your children had grandparents who could afford to put three children through private school, that sounds pretty privileged to me.

I know kids whose parents are having to help feed and house their grandparents

Sorry my post didn’t recognise the for some reason. Son got 1 As and an A (1A star and 2 As he was 4 marks of a second A) his offer required 2 As and an A ( 2A stars and A)

I do because that’s what they were described as back in my day when I was applying for uni. All the “toffs” went to Oxbridge

Your son had, on paper, a massive advantage. You presumably felt the education was worth paying for and gave him advantages he would not have gotten otherwise. It would make no sense to pay for education otherwise.
With respect you probably have no idea what education is like in the ‘bog standard comps’.
I feel for your son because he’s a kid who is clearly bright. But I’m handing you a very small violin if you are complaining that he is being discriminated against by an elite institution for his privilege.

Stars turn bold font on and off.

And I don't think you understand what the word "discrimination" means.

It's because using * twice in a sentence is a way to put those words in bold. (It's a MN quirk)

I guess this is a lesson for my son he has realised the world isn’t fair

It's good that he's learnt this lesson! But crucial for you to help him understand that he is a beneficiary of this unfairness as well as a victim. Of course, many, many, many children don't have the luxury of having Grandparents who can afford for them to have a private education! What privilege! How lucky is he to have spent years being the beneficiary of a fundamentally unfair system?

Or course, if you were super interested in fairness you wouldn't have sent him to the private school in the first place and wouldn't be in this predicament! It's a bit of a karmic situation really!

Think YABU for not helping him see Durham is a great uni. Shit happens in life, and it’s crucial to know how to make the best of your hand, even if it’s not quite what you expected. It’s a narrow view to see him as a victim of the system when he’s actually had good the fortune of health, wealth in the family and a great education.

Gosh...how lucky for Edinburgh University to be granted such a privilege!

Sorry for the typos I did not read it I am just ranting as I am upset for my son. He’s our first child to almost go to university. Yes he could have worked harder he tried his best and he will get that A start in further maths this time. We’ve been in contact with tutors he’s very determined. He might even resit the other Alevels and try to get 3 A stars this time instead of just one. He has pretty much all 9s in his GCSEs apart from one 8 he is very hardworking and this time round he will get the university that he wants. I think this might be a blessing in disguise I’ve never seen him more determined and he’ll use this in his interview.

No contextual offers are not unfair. What's wrong with you .

It seems like you and your son perceived anything other than Oxbridge as somehow a failure. Which is baffling when often there are better universities for a certain subjects. And other beautiful cities to live in (Durham being one of them)

If he had gone to a typical comp he would not have got the coaching for the Oxford application (entrance exams, ps or interview). If had gone to schools that call themselves comp but are highly selective for sixth form and have a team of Oxbridge experts then that is another issue.
My DD benefitted from the widening access to a Russell group university because of school and postcode - reduced grade offer and a non-means tested bursary - she doesn't really count as needing this but the uni created the system.

I thought that Edinburgh uni was full of toffs

This seems like a terrible waste of a year. Why not just take a gap year and do something interesting with it.

Agree with this and the other PPs.

I know youre annoyed at those that "gamed the system" OP but sadly there will always be a game and there will always be players who game it...

Why did you send him to a private school?

I'm sorry OP but your son failed to get the results that he was required to get for that particular course at Oxford. It's not relevant what other candidates were offered.
Your son has got great results, and Durham is hardly a poor university. I'd suggest you treat this as a life lesson (for both you and your son) about coping with disappointment and moving on.

“when you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression"

I wouldn't presume to tell you what you should do, but I will share my own experience. I was in a similar position after A levels. My grades were ok, but not good enough for my first choice university. I really didn't want to go to my insurance choice of university and did seriously think about taking resits and reapplying. However in the end I chose to go to the insurance offer university. It was the best thing I could have done. I was incredibly happy there, loved my course, ended up loving the university. I don't regret a thing.

The world isn’t fair, no. But you paid for your child’s education, so you knew this. You paid for an advantage, not a guarantee, btw. And now you’re angry with state school kids who performed exceptionally well? Wise up.