AIBU to feel contextual offers are unfair after my son's results?

[ThatQuickLilacOrca]

Results Day last Thursday and son is beyond devastated. This experience has made us realise that there’s so much discrimination on children who have attended private school. We are not wealthy at all, DHs parents have helped us pay for our three children’s education. DH and I have normal jobs I work in the civil service and DH works in policy side of things for network rail.

Anyway I am saying this because of contextual offers why can’t everyone just get the same offer based on merit. Our son had an oxford offer he missed that he got AAA instead of his offer which was A A A now he cannot go to his dream university he was rejected as he missed the offer. He is planning to resit further maths again in hopes of getting an A and we will support him with that it’s just quite sad but he’ll get over it he’ll apply again for next year the school has been ever so supportive.

He overachieved on his offer yet there’s kids getting in with less grades than him just because of the schools they go to. We did initially think for him to go to grammar school for sixth form as we have friends who’s children left independently school for sixth form for grammar schools to get lower offers for Oxbridge and one of them messaged me saying “I told you so” as her son got into Oxford for the exact same course he was just given a lower offer. I am so annoyed

I guess this is a lesson for my son he has realised the world isn’t fair and it’s quite a motivator for him. He’s a hardworking boy, he has spent some is his summer in South America teaching maths, he went to a maths competition in America this summer too, this is a very dedicated boy we have spoken to the university but they wrong budge they’re willing for him to resit and reapply next year.

I think contextual offers should only really be for young carers, children who have been in foster care, children with disabilities etc not just because of your address and the school you go to that is very unfair. Most parents at Indys are catching onto this lots are sending their children to grammar schools/state schools so they get lower offers. It’s an awful system that we have in this country. I’m so hurt for him but I know this will motivate him. He’s our eldest and we were looking forward to dropping him off at Oxford not Durham, he out Durham as his insurance he never wanted to go there! They did accept him but what’s the point, he was so upset when he logged into UCAS to see that and some is my friends advice was that he should just go to Durham why should he go to a university he doesn’t want to to. He put them as insurance because it’s the smart thing to do but deep down he always thought he’d get into Oxford. He still went out and celebrated his friends but he’ll be back to school in September, he’s looking forward to visiting his friends that are going to university and he’s recently got a part time job at an art gallery and he’s loving it so at least he’s got an extra year to enjoy that.

Sorry for the rant. Any parent just wants their son to be happy he’ll get over it in a couple of weeks as his application needs to be in by Oct so we will have to just see how this round goes he’s willing to give it one more shot.

It’s like Alan Bennett’s The History Boys never existed.

I have told him this as we have been in touch with ox admissions and the college. He’s aware of this he still wants to resit. He’s agreed he will pick an insurance choice that he wants to go to. I am not bothered by whether he goes to oxford or I didn’t go to oxford neither did DH.

He doesn’t sound all that clever really, does he?

There must be more valuable ways to spend a year than doing resits for the off chance of getting into Oxford. I hope that’s not a waste of a year.

I don't think anyone thinks you went to Oxford.

I'm an academic. As others have said, a grammar school applicant would be very unlikely to get a contextual offer unless there were multiple other factors at play (eg being care experienced, having done their GSCEs at a much poorer performing school, free school meals). Universities can make whatever offers they like to candidates so yes, your DS's friend may have got in with a lower offer, but it's unlikely to have been a contextual offer.

You may not be millionaires but if you are paying the fees at private school you do not have "normal jobs". You may have "normal" jobs for Edinburgh graduates, but that's quite different - and, indeed, quite different from most students who get contextual offers.

He might have had an offer that required an A star in the subject he got A in. Or didn’t have an offer at all.

Also and sorry if I’m slow on the uptake but what relevance are contextual offers anyway? Your son didn’t meet his offer conditions. It’s not like he did but his place was snaffled away by a contextual student

This is unhinged. Is Oxford even the be all end al anymore? There are so many good universities and Durham being on me of them.

Exactly, spot on.

You both went to Edinburgh. You have parents who paid for three kids at private school and you work in the Civil Service
. You are the definition of privileged. There are great hugely intelligent people at Durham and other similar ranked unis. And in my experience these students tend to outstrip the Oxbridge lot in the workplace as they have brains and people skills. Realise there are loads of people at Oxbridge who also have both and more but in my experience also a lot of people very narrowly focused on their subject and subject to the exclusion of anything else.
Yes - your son is probably not going to get to hang put with total geniuses at second tier unis but it doesn’t sound like he is that category either.
Also believe unis are wise to the sixth form
switch. Seriously check your privilege.

Let him take a year out, have some fun and mature a bit while reapplying with those grades - this might include thinking a bit more about the course and where his skills lie.

I'm slightly baffled by this being the first rejection he's received? No sports teams, auditions, or anything?

Also, as someone who's daughter has just finished at Oxford, private school students are doing just fine. 93% of students are state educated and 66% of Oxford students are.

Agreed!

There’s a Trump-esque cadence to both the writing style and inability to process clearly stated facts ….

Except for the ones who went to Edinburgh, like William!

Oh dear. Why make the choice to send your child to private school if it was going to set them up for such a life of discrimination? Presumably because you felt it would in fact give your child an advantage in life. Which is does. That’s what is unfair in our society.

Please do some reading about the educational disadvantage gap, OP, and the proportion of those in the highest paid/status jobs who went to private and state schools respectively. I get you are sad your son didn’t get into Oxford. However, your views are breathtakingly myopic.

It sounds as if neither the school, he nor you prepared him sensibly for this at all. Why on earth would he put an insurance he had no intention of taking up?
What’s the plan if he doesn’t make the grades for next year?
He’s had an extremely privileged education but it sounds as if practical advice of the real world has been lacking within it. Best he learns that now.

Because those who can't afford private school don't want the best for their children.

Your child didn't not get into Oxford because of the poor children. He had an offer and he missed the grades.

There are lot of state school kids who can get 3 or 4 A stars, so although your DS has got high grades, he is not the exceptional calibre that Oxbridge demands.

It's unlikely that he will be accepted in the future for Cambridge or Oxford if he only did 3 A levels and got A star, A, A, at private school, especially as there are no extenuating circumstances. He is setting himself up for more heartbreak.

I would advise him to take Durham, or opt out of his UCAS choices and go through clearing. He will meet many other students who also missed out and hopefully draw some comfort from knowing he's not alone. I know he must be deeply upset to miss out, but you need to disabuse him of this notion that he can get back in. A lot of people who missed out first time go to Oxbridge for their masters, or PhD., which gives them that second chance.

Didn't he go to St. Andrews?

He went to St Andrews.

Golly ...is this a comedy post? You are complaining that with all that support and extra curricular your son didn't make the grade?

That's awful OP you are basically arguing for a privileged elite. Then all that about Durham.

Of course there should be a leveling up ...my goodness...arguing this with your whole chest 🤦‍♀️ I despair

I think your son needs to think a little more about why he thinks that Oxford is the be-all and end-all. My nephew got a first from Oxford but really didn't like their teaching methods. They were very keen on him staying for postgraduate work, but he decided to do a Master's Degree at Edinburgh and subsequently a PhD at Bristol, and thinks both are much better than Oxford.

Was going to say the same! 😂😂😂 it’s got to be hasn’t it?!

I’m really sorry your son is so disappointed. It’s so gutting when your kids are landed these blows.
I have a child at an independent school and a child in state grammar. I’m also a product of state secondary free school meals and didn’t get my place at Oxford about a hundred years ago even though I got AAABB.
Can I say, gently, there’s a world of difference between my experience and my kids’ experience.
A child who achieves at state secondary has one hand tied behind their back. Both of my kids have had significant advantages that are incomparable to mine. There’s a valid reason for contextual grades - it isn’t positive discrimination. It’s levelling the playing field.
Your son was right to aim high. I’m so sorry it didn’t come off on this occasion, and I really hope he’ll be happy and thrive wherever he lands. X

I don’t understand why you (and he) thinks his grades are a failure. He’s done really well. You paid for private education but it doesn’t automatically guarantee Oxbridge (rightly so). If he’s not getting three A stars on first attempt, with private education, he’s probably not right for Oxbridge anyway, so you’d be better finding him a place through clearing or reapplying where he will thrive.