AIBU to feel contextual offers are unfair after my son's results?

[ThatQuickLilacOrca]

Results Day last Thursday and son is beyond devastated. This experience has made us realise that there’s so much discrimination on children who have attended private school. We are not wealthy at all, DHs parents have helped us pay for our three children’s education. DH and I have normal jobs I work in the civil service and DH works in policy side of things for network rail.

Anyway I am saying this because of contextual offers why can’t everyone just get the same offer based on merit. Our son had an oxford offer he missed that he got AAA instead of his offer which was A A A now he cannot go to his dream university he was rejected as he missed the offer. He is planning to resit further maths again in hopes of getting an A and we will support him with that it’s just quite sad but he’ll get over it he’ll apply again for next year the school has been ever so supportive.

He overachieved on his offer yet there’s kids getting in with less grades than him just because of the schools they go to. We did initially think for him to go to grammar school for sixth form as we have friends who’s children left independently school for sixth form for grammar schools to get lower offers for Oxbridge and one of them messaged me saying “I told you so” as her son got into Oxford for the exact same course he was just given a lower offer. I am so annoyed

I guess this is a lesson for my son he has realised the world isn’t fair and it’s quite a motivator for him. He’s a hardworking boy, he has spent some is his summer in South America teaching maths, he went to a maths competition in America this summer too, this is a very dedicated boy we have spoken to the university but they wrong budge they’re willing for him to resit and reapply next year.

I think contextual offers should only really be for young carers, children who have been in foster care, children with disabilities etc not just because of your address and the school you go to that is very unfair. Most parents at Indys are catching onto this lots are sending their children to grammar schools/state schools so they get lower offers. It’s an awful system that we have in this country. I’m so hurt for him but I know this will motivate him. He’s our eldest and we were looking forward to dropping him off at Oxford not Durham, he out Durham as his insurance he never wanted to go there! They did accept him but what’s the point, he was so upset when he logged into UCAS to see that and some is my friends advice was that he should just go to Durham why should he go to a university he doesn’t want to to. He put them as insurance because it’s the smart thing to do but deep down he always thought he’d get into Oxford. He still went out and celebrated his friends but he’ll be back to school in September, he’s looking forward to visiting his friends that are going to university and he’s recently got a part time job at an art gallery and he’s loving it so at least he’s got an extra year to enjoy that.

Sorry for the rant. Any parent just wants their son to be happy he’ll get over it in a couple of weeks as his application needs to be in by Oct so we will have to just see how this round goes he’s willing to give it one more shot.

My dc didn't count for contextual offers even though they were at state school (comprehensive) throughout.

A grammar school would not count to get a contextual offer, so most likely was just different college/subject giving different offers.
As an outside possibility, then it would be because they lived in a deprived postcode but I suspect that going to a private school followed by grammar even that wouldn't do it.

I know of 2 people who went to my comp who went to Oxford and Cambridge and did well

private schools and grammar are not the only route in

and C & O are not the only decent universities about either

My DD went to state school and wasn't given a contextual offer either.

She also didn't have the advantages of private education or tutors. She worked bloody hard, while her dad was really ill for 6 months, too and she got the grades she needed for her first choice. I'm so proud of her.

Tbh, you sound like you feel your son is entitled to the place of his choice because you've paid for private education.

And why do you think grammars and independent schools outperform state schools at a guess?

Was going to post exactly that!

As pp have said, Oxford don't give contextual offers. You are definitely not eligible for a contextual offer from anywhere purely because you go to a grammar school (and am amazed you actually believe this). FFS, tell him to go to Durham.

Other people got lower offers because it's harder to get those higher grades when you're at a state school with larger class sizes and fewer resources, and when you have parents who can't afford private tutors. So your son absolutely isn't being discriminated against. It's just that universities are quite rightly trying to level the playing field.

Not all private school pupils are fabulously 'advantaged', especially if we talk about day schools. In my dc minor private day school there were some children, living in such disruptive circumstances that you would not wish them on your enemy. One boy lived in a family with a violent dad, who was violent to the children and his wife. Social workers used to come to school to enquire about this boy - because his GP reported the boy's bruises to them. Another example was a girl whose grandma moved in from abroad, due to ill health and spoke no English, so this girl became her grandmother's translator, and eventually carer and because of that she missed on so much school, that there was talk of her maybe repeating a year. If I were in admissions, I would have given these two private school pupils contextual offers, no doubt.

We were in touch with oxford before he rejected Durham. He does not want to go to Durham he is very passionate about that. Either way he has good results A star and 2 As are grades to be proud of lots of unis will accept him he just wants Oxford. He didn’t apply for medicine they’re a lot stricter with medicine. We have also spoken to his teachers so he has full support from everyone.

Chuckle

Most of the UK don’t even have Grammar Schools anymore so that in itself is bloody unfair to most DC.

Much of life is unfair

I do feel for you if friends of your DS have got places with their lower A level grades for the exact same course but different courses have different grade expectations

Your child is not being discriminated against.

The vast majority of state school pupils do not qualify for contextual offers. They are only given to young people who have had the deck stacked against them severely, and are usually only one grade lower, so perhaps getting an ABB offer rather than AAB, when a look at the circumstances of their education would make it obvious that they might well have got 3 A-star grades if they'd had all the privileges and advantages your son had.

A young person who gets high grades despite having their teachers off sick with stress half the year, no access to individual tuition, a poorly-stocked or non-existent school library, nowhere to study at home, possibly a refugee, child-carer or living in care, or the other myriad of disadvantages that your son was privileged to avoid, is actually going to thrive amazingly at university and is likely to get a better eventual degree result than a private school pupil whose grades, gained within a comfortable nurturing environment, might be a shade higher but who never had to develop that strength and resilience - it's not discrimination, it's picking a genuinely stronger candidate.

Your son will be absolutely fine. There are plenty of excellent courses he can do and will enjoy.

Ex academic here who finds it difficult to be sympathetic having taught numerous students from backgrounds similar to your son with similar grades (we were AAB at York). Few of them had a genuine intellectual spark and, frankly, a disadvantaged student with perhaps one grade difference was usually the more naturally intelligent.

As for me, I benefitted from contextual offers from certain of the institutions mentioned ranging from CCD-EE (the OP would be delighted to know who offered EE 😬). But that was 1999 and I doubt such offers exist now. At any rate, I was a deaf student at one of the worst Southern comprehensives in foster care. Ended up doing well enough to pursue an academic career.

A private education can't buy natural intelligence and if someone still misses the grades despite every opportunity then it's a much needed life lesson.

You understand resits are highly likely to be a waste of time if he wants to go to Oxford and doesn't have extenuating circumstances?

He'd be better off making his peace with the outcome and having a gap year working and travelling

I think this country likes to discriminate against children whose parents just want the best of the best for their children.
Maybe I am stupid here but doesn't everyone want the best for their children??

Remember that universities are not only accepting people on their grades, it sounds like you are slightly entitled and expecting more just because you paid for private school. There are lots of very clever children whose parents can't afford private school who will always supersede private school pupils.

This is a lesson for everyone, money can't buy you everything you want.

I can see why you are hesitant about the University of Edinburgh - your posts are poorly constructed.

As someone who sent all 4 of my children to private school, I can’t bear hearing clueless fellow parents whinging about what a tough deal their children get as a result of anti-independent school bias. Honestly, you sound quite deranged.

He’s got a very good set of grades. Making him
resit any or all of his subjects is nuts. Let him take a gap year and roll the dice again for Oxbridge perhaps. But as far as I am aware, they prefer A levels that have been taken at the same time.

Do take a look at why you speak of him as if he were the second coming. It can’t be good for him. Your “why should he go to Durham it’s not exactly what he wants” statements are laughable. He works hard - great. He’s also had a very privileged start in life and has learnt a lesson - he didn’t quite work hard enough. It’s nothing to do with contextual offers.

My dc2 didn’t get a contextual offer from state school, you need to have one or more of a specific list to qualify, not paying isn’t one of them! Dc1 did due to the school she attended being in special measures, have significant Sen plus our postcode, dc2 went to a different school so just the post code wasn’t enough

I believe that it is now toff heavy - but not when my classmates went to Edinburgh Uni. (I didn't apply to Edinburgh - they didn't have the course I wanted.)

Our school was a comprehensive. We all started uni in '78.

What would be the point in this farcical arrangement?

sitting the FM again on its own - in no way going to be the same as getting an A star while sitting another 2 A levels

resitting all the A levels again - eh? I mean what would be the point? What a complete waste of a year

Your son sounds quite entitled and up his own arse OP and instead of telling him to take this as a life lesson and go somewhere else you’re enabling a lot of unnecessary nonsense. Not how I’d parent but you do you.

Normally contextual offers are for schools in deprived areas or children who have been on free school meals. Children who are in care or refugees etc.

So, your child wouldn't have necessarily got in.

They do not take every child that applies via the contextual route otherwise it wouldn't be one of the best universities.

Getting the grades are the bare minimum to getting in to Oxford, you have to show alot of passion for your subject.

I feel your friend isn't telling you the full story.

Just to add that you said he would be the first to go to university, did you and your husband not go? Alot of universities offer a contextual for that.

He’s not going to Durham why should he go to a uni he doesn’t want to go to? He’s still 17 I’m quite happy to have him home for an extra year and have extra time to spend with him. Two is his best friends are redoing to get A*s so he’ll be fine he’ll probably enjoy this academic year even more as he’s more determined.

Parents gaming the system - like wealthy parents have done for centuries. The hypocrisy.

Was sure this would be a reverse. Stunned..

Are the grandparents on board to pay for an extra year at independent? How fortunate for you if they are.

you should at least have the good grace to acknowledge your privilege and how spoiled/petulant your DS has become.

That's true across the board, it's true in leafy comps and in public schools as well.

There's all sorts of shitty adversity that people go through but can't be contextualised. Unfortunately there's no perfect system.