AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

You are allowing your daughters life to be wasted when she should be enjoying her children. All because the old lady doesn't want external care! You get one life. Your daughter deserves to live hers properly. None of us knows what's round the corner. The older lady has had her youth, possibly without all this care on top of raising her own family. Now its your daughter's turn. Go on the proper holiday. Get carers in or have her stay in respite care. The young mum is the priority here.

On the surface, yes it seems unreasonable that she won’t pop in three times a day for a few days to help out, however, I imagine there’s some backstory here, or OP’s sister is concerned she’s going to become the default back up carer whenever someone is sick, busy, has other plans etc, so is establishing a firm boundary by refusing to get involved.

My opinion is that just because you are happy to become a carer for someone, it doesn’t mean you can guilt trip other people into doing the same, your mum would be entitled to free careers given she’s on benefits with no assets, she just refuses to accept them, that’s her choice just like it’s your sisters choice to refuse to be her back up carer.

I think your DM should either agree to take her pills- is she able to take responsibility and refusing to so she can ensure she gets a daily visit: if no one comes she doesn’t take them and the world falls down?
If she isn’t able to take lifesaving medication without support absolutely she should agree/be having external care on days your family can’t facilitate.

Maybe that’s the real reason your sister is refusing. I’d be the same.

@Potooooooooes which area are you in? Not UK I assume.

This is total bollocks, and frankly if you are in the UK I would love to see the DOLS/LPS assessment for these individuals being made to move out of their home into a restrictive care facility. If this happens as you say, such a blanket policy is illegal and breaches human rights (and this is why we in UK need the protection of ECHR) Some of these people needing four visits a day may need it for physical disability and are safe otherwise. Corralling these people into an expensive care home unnecessarily puts pressure on spaces and results in worse outcomes for individuals. And as I said, is illegal. Where are you?

Usually 4 visits a day is the maximum a care home will fund. If needs are greater then they will fund a care home. They can't force someone with capacity to move to a care home but then that person needs to sort out cover for any additional needs. If you are self funding it's entirely down to you and your family or POA if without capacity.

Sorry if I've missed it, but is there a reason you can't get carers in for the days your sister has said no? I think caring for an elderly family member is admirable, and if it works for everyone involved, I agree it's better than having carers (I have some experience of caring for a family member so I now how bloody hard it is), but you can't expect everyone to be up for doing it.

Don't martyr yourself and say I suppose I'll just never be able to go away with my children - start contacting care companies and find one you/your mum is happy with for this trip and going forward if you need them.

It isn’t the time each day that is the problem it is the commitment to it being everyday. Yes, you or your son take over to let your daughter go on holiday but there is no backup. As you have discovered this means you can’t all go away together, you have a problem if all of you got flu at the same time. It would be sensible to get your Mum used to some level of outside help so that if you needed this in an emergency or as a one off you could do this.

The poster you're quoting isn't saying that anyone is forced into residential care!

She's quite reasonably pointing out that when a care package of four visits per day isn't enough then a move to a home is recommended and sensible.

Of course 'no' is an answer! What are they going to do if she says no? Kidnap her and lock her in their mum's house?

The entire load falls on OP and her children through choice. Elderly people can refuse outside care if they want but they can't insist on their children/grandchildren providing care if they don't want to do it.

I think you're all doing a great job but elderly people can be as stubborn as mules about outside help and it makes life very difficult for families. You can't make people help or want to help. My brother did bog all voluntarily for mum and when leant on, what he did, he did badly. Can I suggest introducing outside help slowly? One visit, every few days or similar? What happens if something goes wrong? If Someone is sick? Giving up holidays seems a step too far, honestly. Carers need a break,

You are minimising the restrictions this will be placing on your DD’s life and her family OP. Caring is hard, relentless, the mental burden as much as anything. I’m sure she is happy to do it, but its like being a lobster in a pot, to start with its just pleasantly warm water, by the end you can’t even tell your being buffeted about on a rolling boil you’ve got so used to it.
What are your plans for your own dotage? Is she going to go straight from being Granny’s carer to being yours?

Op is only asking for a couple of days, considering she and her daughter do everything I can’t see why her sister can not help her out. It is her mother as well and she does nothing.

Op is only asking for a couple of days, considering she and her daughter do everything......

They have chosen to do everything. Was sister involved in any discussions or planning, or have op and dd just gone ahead and done things their way?

The sister may well be deliberately forcing the crisis that means a solution with proper back up is put in place. What happens if the daughter or one of her DC get ill? What if the whole family goes down with a stomach bug/flu/other nasty lurgy? Been there and got a wardrobe full of those t-shirts with stubborn parents and ILs and the crisis always happens at the end of the holiday year when you've no paid leave left or you're ill or your dealing with your own problems like a burst pipe/ broken down car

Op is only asking for a couple of days, considering she and her daughter do everything I can’t see why her sister can not help her out. It is her mother as well and she does nothing

The sister can probably see more clearly what's happening. Perhaps she doesn't want to plug the gaps and enable this untenable situation to continue

You can’t make anyone do more than they want to. Maybe the sister can see the whole situation is a shitshow and needs to be brought to a head to put proper care in place. Maybe she just doesn’t want to.

They have chosen to do everything. Was sister involved in any discussions or planning, or have op and dd just gone ahead and done things their way?

This is exactly what happened in our situation. One sister insisted it could all be done by family (us), guilted us into it and then ensued some years of absolute chaos in our lives tbh. In the end it all went dramatically pear shaped and the house of cards fell to bits.
And then we had an emergency on our hands. An expensive emergency.

It sounds as if the arrangement works for your daughter just now, i agree better than full time work away from her children. However i think your sister is being very selfish does she ever visit your mother? Perhaps the kind neighbour could look in at medication times (would that be 2 days because your niece is covering the rest) You have a sister problem more than anything else at the moment and i think you realise this arrangement will not work forever but your obviously doing your best just now. You should definitely go on holiday with your two children and perhaps discuss with your mother your concerns about not taking her medication (maybe she is also being a bit selfish). Good luck and go on holiday this will sort itself out one way or another it’s your life too not just your mothers

No, OP is asking her sister to become the default step in carer to cover her family. It's not going to stop at one time, is it?

Almost always it's better that the elderly to have professional care (even if it's mixed in with family care too). Generally when one side if the family refuse any professional care it's not done to benefit the elderly person, it's done because it provides them with some benefit themselves.

Op what possible reward do you think this martyrdom has in store? Have you demanded that your daughter do this? Was it put to her in terms of something she had little choice but to do?

I have refused to care for my dm. I’ve put her in a home. I am very aware that some people in my life have judged me to be uncaring and cruel but my life isn’t going to end because of an elderly parent.

Your dm has no choice to accept outside help. Your sister helping “this once” will become an expectation.

Why does the sister have to step in? Why?

Your sister has every right to say no. Not everyone has the same relationship with a parent and maybe she has her reasons for resisting.

As for your mother, she will just have to be told that there external carers coming in. She is extremely lucky she doesnt have to avail of them on a regular basis.

Hope you have a lovely holiday OP. Definitely sounds like you need one!

Hi, I’ve been in your position as carer to my mum for 8 years and I understand what you’re talking about, unlike a few on here it seems! I’m also now carer to my DH who has dementia.
with your situation for your holiday I suggest maybe ask a private care agency if they could possibly call in 3x a day over that weekend. Or if you have a NextDoor App advertise now for a carer or ex nurse that is DBS checked who now does private caring for a living who you & mum could possibly meet in advance so she feels comfortable.
my third suggestion would be what I’m about to do which is fill out the forms for a week of respite in a local nursing home (I’m going for this for 3/4 times a year. You will have to give her pension and disability money up for the week but the Council should pay the top up if I’ve read right. One last suggestion have you or your daughter got any reliable friends that could either stay with her or pop into her and you maybe paid them to do it? If you don’t take care of you then you won’t be able to care for her!

Hi, I’ve been in your position as carer to my mum for 8 years and I understand what you’re talking about, unlike a few on here it seems!

Well that’s a patronising start.

Yea as well as ignoring the info from the OP explaining that getting in outside care, booking respite care, or indeed getting anyone other than family in is a nonstarter. They're just bumping their gums, no more than that.