AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

[Neleh64]

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

She may be employed via direct payment hence the frequent comparisons to having a job.

Speaking from experience, the 'help out for a few days' rapidly shifts to 'will always help out if I go away' , then shifts to ' must cover me when I decide', even though it was never agreed to and I knew my parent needed external care, yet I was somehow being dragged into an unhealthy and unsustainable situation that helped no one, least of all my parent... In my case the big issue was my sibling insisting 'his inheritance' mustn't be spent on care. It was an awful time and sibling ended up having a massive safeguarding case raised against him and parent forceably moved to care for a peaceful final few months.

But boundaries are important and need to be respected, and family care is not always what is best for elderly relatives, particularly when its being done by someone who gains finacially by refusing external care.

If your mum was a good mum to her, then your sister is an absolute disgrace sitting back and expecting you and your daughter to do it all

It's just as likely the the sister isn't sitting back and expecting other family to do it. If it were me I'd be doing all I could to persuade everyone to get some professional care in. And if that's the case, and her sister and niece are insisting on doing it all themselves that's reason in itself why she might be saying no.
To demonstrate that it isn't working.

Agreed.

Obviously if the sister is saying “mum doesn’t need any external help, my niece is around to do it all!” then she’s unreasonable.
But if her attitude is more “mum needs to accept that she needs external help, and I will not be involved in papering over the cracks of this unsustainable set up” then fair enough I think.

It's an issue with women of my generation (late 50's) as they often had their children later (35/40), as did their mother, and they are having to balance work, older teens and elderly parents all at once.
It's no accident that women most commonly left the workforce in their 50's to care for elderly parents, although i dont know if that is still the case now that two incomes are needed to keep up with basic living costs.

You need carers, what if you are ill or something else changes for you or your daughter?Your sister is not going to help. Better to get your mum used to carers now than when you have no choice.
I work in care and almost every single new clients family tell us that they are very resistant to the very notion of carers. The family have soldiered on so that granny does not have to have ‘ strangers’ in the house etc .
I’ve never known any client resist once we have started ! Introduce them friends coming to help out. Good luck.

We are definitely in that sandwich. With a mortgage to pay, kids at uni, cancer diagnosis and retirement due to ill health and parents with dementia. You cannot assume that your children have the ability or capacity to care for you. They do not need the additional burden.

@CreamSecond
"It's just as likely the the sister isn't sitting back and expecting other family to do it. If it were me I'd be doing all I could to persuade everyone to get some professional care in. And if that's the case, and her sister and niece are insisting on doing it all themselves that's reason in itself why she might be saying no.
To demonstrate that it isn't working."

Yes this is my situation as the 'selfish' sister.
I have been trying to get help in there for years but they are all locked in their own holding patterns.

I do admin and research and will happily organise care once they accept it - thus far they wont even have a cleaner despite my best effort and offers to pay.
Even my sibling is now seeing that this is unsustainable but she is so enmeshed with my father i dont think she will be able to do whats required to effect change.

Your mother needs to accept that she will need to have external carers on occasion. Seeing how opposed you are to this makes me think that your sister may be, very sensibly, keeping her boundaries firm.

As someone who was horrendously guilt tripped into caring for a parent more than I was happy/able to (with heavy dose of sexism) I feel like I’d need a lot more backstory about the family dynamics before I could comment. I’ve learned never to judge adult children for saying ‘no’ to care roles until I hear their reasons.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it's your mum that's the inflexible one, rather than your sister.

You haven't mentioned that your mum has learning difficulties or some kind of mental impairment , so there's no reason why she can't, for 1 weekend just have a professional carer come in a couple of times a day or just take her tablets when prompted over the phone.
Could you not just pay her next door neighbour to go in 3 times a day that weekend?

Does your sister think that your mum has you all running around after her unnecessarily?

Would your daughter still be at home if she wasn’t a carer? Maybe she would like to get back to work.
I understand that you don’t want your mother in a home, but your daughter doing so much of the caring along with having a young family is a huge burden on her.

Edit to add that I think your mother is incredibly selfish.
Edit again to add that I can see where your sister is coming from and she’s wise to hold her boundaries.

What a bizarre thread @Neleh64! I can’t believe the responses! Of course your sister should help her mother and sister for a single week of the year so you can go on holiday. I’d do this for my parent or babysit for my sister or whatever was needed, no question. And it sounds great set up, your daughter being so close and having small children she can spend time with instead of being tied to work hours. All totally bonkers. In the normal world your sister should do this for you and she is being a dick. YANBU

Not sure why everyone is jumping on OP for her daughter’s caring role!

her daughter is an adult who can make this choice. She likes to do it for her gran and it works around her kids. She has support twice a week to go to toddlers groups and at weekends. No pay as doesn’t meet the threshold. Husband supports them all.

OP steps in as does brother to cover “shifts”.

when daughter goes back to work, OP will take over as she will have retired.

they can go on holiday but would need either OP, daughter or son to remain to cover the care. Therefore they can’t go together unless others help, or carers.

it’s annoying that OPs sister can’t step in for a couple of days next year. But she can’t be forced. Again, adults so can make that choice.

only option is eternal carer. Could you start now OP with a care agency so that she can get used to them and maybe shadow you?

This sounds like someone who knows nothing.

It's only beneficial to OP's daughter if she's benefiting financially from caring, which often leads to relatives denying much needed professional care to keep their own income stream going. OP insinuates that caring means she doesn't need to work, so... But if she's really not benefitting from it financially, then she's literally giving up time with her kids to be a carer (because she could be at home anyway if she's not being paid, right?)

In the real world, when you've had experience of these things, the reality is often that the 'lazy' sibling is actually the one who knows best and isn't prepared to be complicit in stopping the elderly person accepting much needed professional care to benefit the sibling.

You clearly see her as selfish for not wanting to do it. However, I see your mum as selfish for not wanting outside carers for a couple of weeks a year. She should be grateful your DD and you do so much for her already. I'd even argue it's selfish she didn't save and plan her care for later in life, so even more of a reason she should be grateful as it's hours a day for free, including weekends.

I can fully understand not wanting to help like this. And actually, unless your mum was a huge help to her with childcare or something before she got ill, there's no reason she should feel guilt tripped into it either (not to mention illegal pressuring someone into free carers work).

On a seperate point, you keep making comments about how your DD gets more time with the kids than she would if she was working... But also saying she wouldn't be working as hubby supports them both. So this is less time than if she wasn't doing it, and less money than if she was working. I also don't believe she couldn't get any work for 14 hours a a week which is what you say are equivalent hours. So unless she has some agreement to recieve something in the will, she's giving up an awful lot.

I don't think you've read everything. Her daughter wouldn't be tied to work hours - she isn't a paid carer, so she'd be no worse off financially at home (no work hours to be tied to).

And we do not know the reasons why not, but it is different to offer than be demanded on.

Even though i can see why you would be frustrated with your sisters attitude i believe she has the right to decline caring for your mother.
I think your mother is the problem here and she is incredibly selfish denying you and your family the chance to enjoy a much needed break from looking after her.
I feel angry on your behalf that she won't tolerate outside care for a very short time, this is what i would be working on, try and talk your mother into accepting this and why.

Hi Op,

sorry you get piled on! It is lovely to hear that you and your children are caring for your elderly mother. It is pretty shitty that your sister can’t help for a few days. I would suggest external help for a few days but as your mum is hesitant, I would start acclimatising her a few months before e.g., from Jan. Have a carer come in whilst your daughter or you are there maybe 1 or twice a month. You can specifically request for the same person. By the time your holiday comes around, hopefully she will get used to the carer. Also, it seems for such a short duration, I think she will be ok even if she is feeling resistant. I hope you get to go on your holiday and enjoy your time with your children and grandchildren.

You need to say to your sister that “No is not an answer, She is her mother also, & there is no reason why the entire load should fall on you & your children.
You expect her to cover 3 days in a year so that you get a break. If she doesn't help then it will be up ti her from now on in.”
She us taking the piss

Emm no. The op doesn’t get to dictate to her sister that she has to be a carer! 😆

Well you seem to expect your DD to care for your DM for free (her sacrificing her own time to do this is not the same as her having a job and getting paid for her labour FFS!) So yes, it seems obvious that you would expect your DS to do the same.
My personal opinion is that it is unfair that you expect people to take on caring roles because you've decided that they should.

If she doesn't help then it will be up ti her from now on in.”
She us taking the piss

I have a suspicion the sister wishes it were up to her from now on in.
A more dependable plan which doesn't rely totally on family would be easily organised. Well, given 6 weeks.

She's not being piled on.

This is an adult who is not OP’s employee, she can’t just instruct her. There is no way to actually force her to do it.